Do you think I am over reacting?

Question

Ok, I have to conduct the transfer of my step daughter to her mother every other weekend. My husband has primary custody. We have to meet half way between our homes in a parking lot as per her request. She has started dropping her off without shoes. (She is 4 by the way) Apparently, she does not want us to have the shoes she has bought for her for whatever reason. My husband and I disagree with this, we believe that shoes are basic and she should not be dropped off in a parking lot with bare feet. I suggested that we buy a pair of shoes and ask her to keep them in her car for transfers if she doesn't want us to have her shoes. Do you think we are over reacting to expect the child to have shoes on?

PS. I am asking this question for my husband, and because of the valuable resource we believe answers can be from others personal experience. Often I hear, "You are not her mom, you need to stay out of it." Please don't bother to answer if thats your outlook. I care about the child.

We never drop her off without shoes, but the shoes just don't come back. I guess we will have to keep shoes in the car, I just hate asking her to remove them and give them back after she gets in her moms car, but the last 4 pairs of shoes, clothes and winter jacket never came back. Thats why I was thinking maybe she could keep them in her car just for transfers.

I totally agree about picking battles. We do not want to argue with her, or even acknowledge that she is most likely doing this to tick us off. I would just like to find the best way to keep shoes on the child's feet. If that means we need to buy 20 pairs of cheap throw away shoes, so be it. I also don't want the child to have to remove her dang shoes, its so petty.

Answer 1

you are not over reacting shoes need to be worn outside in a public parking lot!!! keep a pair of shoes in your car for her and ask that her mother do the same. it sounds to me like that woman is trying to use her daughter to create problems. and whether you are the biological mom or not it sounds like you have this child every month but 4 days so yes you are the parent, do not stay out of it it sounds like you have her best interest at heart and you obviously love her.

Answer 2

She's hoarding the child's shoes so you have to buy new ones. Hmm what about the winter, she gonna take the poor child's coat, so you have to buy new one every week? Your not overreacting. If you are the pick up/drop off parent- step or not, someone has to acknowledge it. Maybe its not the best for you to talk to her, b/w your husband and yourself, you should be united. and have a plan of action.

You did not say anything about her temper or attitude so its hard to say if you need to go thru a lawyer/courts to mandate care or handle it directly with her.

Have you mentioned the lack of shoes on the return (I mean the ones you bought). Has your husband? Does this happen with anything else? Her goal might be to have all the child's fav things at her house so that she has more leverage. Or subtle sabajoe makes her feel better.

Or, maybe she is depressed and it has nothing to do with the 2 of you. She may be neglecting/forgetting other things too...like feeding the child 3 meals, bathing, ect. Do some investigation. At least the child is 4 instead of a baby; with gentle questions you should get a feel about how the child spent the day.

If this is an isolated thing that she is doing to annoy you (warm weather only) I would invest in flip flops, jellies-something disposable and send her in a new pair that you don't expect to get back (and you know the child has shoes once she gets there...like the last 5 pairs you bought!) and wait for her to tire of this behavior, eventually it will get old...
Or it will escalate. If that happens I agree with the others get someone outside involved asap..!

Answer 3

I have not read the answers yet so I'm sorry if this is a repeat.

If I were you I wouldn't make a big deal or even talk to the mother about the shoe issue. I'd keep a pair of shoes in my car then when you transfer just put on the shoes that you have. Then when you bring her home wash the clothes she wore that day. When you transfer her back just put her in the clothes she came in and return her with the same clothes and no shoes. That way the clothes you buy don't disappear and the shoes stay in your car. Just put them on before she jumps into your car.

I hope this helps! I don't really think you are over-reacting but starting an argument [like you said] is silly. Just be the bigger person and drop it for now using shoes that you keep in your car. Best of Luck!

Answer 4

It's not too much to expect her to have shoes on. She's WAY too old to be in public with out shoes. However, since the stuff you buy doesn't come back, take her with shoes but have her take them off before she goes off with her mom. Just because her mom does not have primary custody, that doesn't mean that she shouldn't provide everything her child needs while she is with her. Buying a pair of shoes for transfers is a great idea, but they need to stay in your car, not hers. The reason is she has already proven that she does not feel the need to return things. This way, you always know that when you get her back, she has shoes.

Answer 5

I don't know what her reasoning is, but I do know that a child of 4 should have shoes. I would have a pair of shoes in my car for her and carry them over with me when I pick her up. Take them off when you drop her back off. There are probably enough issues that I wouldn't make another one. If you are very matter of fact about it and don't make a big deal, chances are it won't become a big deal. I wouldn't even ask the mom about it, I would just take the shoes with me. Asking her to keep the shoes in the car invites a conversation, which invites an argument.

Good luck with your step daughters mom! I'm pretty sure she's just trying to push buttons, so don't let them be pushed!! : )

Answer 6

It sounds like she is being very petty! I am not a mom yet, but I once roomed with my divorced girlfriend, and her ex-husband was the same way. He would not allow the boys to bring back home with them anything he gave them or bought them during their visits. And the kids were lucky if he could find time to see them once every few months! They'd outgrow the shoes or clothes he'd buy them by their next visit!

Divorce can really bring out the worst and most petty behavior in people!

P.S. Where are the shoes the girl was wearing when you dropped her off? Just drop her off in shoes you bought, then the ex should be giving her back in the same shoes.

Answer 7

I have gone through this with my sister and another family member of not wanting to supply a necessity that is needed. It does not make it any easier that you are the new wife. Shame on her mom the child is the one that is suffering not the father that she wants to hurt. I suspect that you will have follow up court dates to come you may want to mention this to a lawyer. This is in the best welfare of the child. There is no tactful way that you or your husband can make her stop doing this she is angry and needs to find a better way to release it than on the child. If there is any way that your husband is still in contact with a member of her family it may be worth contacting and talking to them about it, Maybe they could help. Divorce is never nice but when a child is involved it has to be remembered that they are an Innocent bystander and they do not deserve any thing but love not retribution from one side or the other. I hope that in time it will get better but what she has to realize is that as this little girl gets older she will remember the psychological games that were played. We are now going through that with my nephew. My hope for you is that it does not go that far. Good Luck I hope a solution is out there for you and your husband and step daughter.

Answer 8

I would ask child services to look into the care that your step-daughter's mother is giving.

One of the first signs of neglect is missing clothing articals, especially involving jackets, shoes and winter clothing.

Is your daughter clean when she arrives? Has she been bathed recently, and is the clothing that she is wearing seem as if they have been washed?

Little things like this aren't over-reacting, they are important! Once or twice is alot different than a consistant pattern.

I realize that it is easier to just tolerate the mother's actions, but make sure you are doing it for the right reasons.

If you don't feel she's in danger of neglect at her mother's, then buy a set of clothing, including shoes;
mark the tags and make it clear that you expect her to be in that outfit when she returns to your custody; Including the shoes.

Answer 9

I would get the child a pair of shoes to be kept in your car, so that she does not injure herself on the parking lot. I agree with you - shoes are basic protection, and she should be wearing them unless she is in a safe environment. I wouldn't mention it to the mom - just buy some shoes, keep them in your car, and put them on her when you meet the mom. Then remove them when you hand her back to mom, to have for the next visit.

Answer 10

She's bringing the child back to you inappropriately dressed. There ought to be something in the custody arrangment about that. If not, it's time for your husband to have a chat with the attorney.

BTW, not to open a can of worms or anything, but I knew a guy whose ex did this with his two daughters, too. He'd have them dressed in nice clothes and they'd come back in crappy clothing with no shoes or coats. Lost a whole bunch of shoes and coats this way -- they never materialized. Turns out the ex was selling the nice clothes, shoes and coats he was buying to a consignment store and using the $$ to buy alcohol and cigarettes. He went to his lawyer, she was busted down to supervised custody only for a few hours on Saturdays.