Before I get into this please do not judge me to harshly, I understand how this must sound but Id rather ask people I dont than those I do and knowingly live with their judgment.
M y H2B has a mentally challenged brother. I have nothing against his brother and the three of us go out on many occasions. We take him to the movies, zoo, local attractions. He often stays with us for weeks at a time but my H2B has decided he wants his brother to be his best men. I want him to be involved in the wedding as much as possible and have no reason to have any say who H2B chooses but for some reason I cant sit easy with him being a groomsman.
He has min. attention span and often just 'wanders off' and has his certain way as most people with his condition do. I cant help but stress during the ceremony he will do something or not co-operate with pics etc and I know I am being abit of a princess over it but I just dont know how to discuss this with any1.
Any ideas?
2007-07-08 21:56:00 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Your H2B apparently will feel honored by it being his brother. However, I do understand how this makes you feel inside. Probably the real truth is .... even if his brother does everything right and doesn't walk off, you know how and what the wedding album will look like for years to come. Women tend to think of their wedding day as special and PERFECT!
It is OK you feel this way, and it is this real truth that keeps you from talking to anyone, including H2B. You feel shallow. You now realize that you never thought about this "issue" before, until marriage came up. Truth is, after falling in love with H2B, you feel his brother is more of a huge part of your relationship, and it is because he IS a special needs brother. In most cases we don't live with our future spouse's sister or brother up our ****.
Sweetie, first admit it to yourself...the whole truth as you know it and feel it inside. Then except it without putting blame on yourself. His brothers "special needs" isn't your fault.
At the altar, "Two shall become one" .... so sweetie, to be fair to yourself and your future husband, you really HAVE to discuss this "issue" with him BEFORE you get married! If you don't you will always feel a loss and void! Marriage is hard enough and if you start it off unequaled, this won't improve! In time during a "future argument", this will spill from you in the form of pain of something given up or lost....and this will stick between you two. The damage might be more then you can handle or for H2B years later.
"Secrets" before the altar are NEVER good. My husband and I have six children and have been married for more years then I can remember! Yes we have argued over the years and had our "fights" and hurt is not avoidable but because we agreed that before, during and after the altar we would have NO SECRETS FROM EACH OTHER, we have a VERY happy marriage STILL today and plan on many more!
In closing sweetie, my husband didn't have a special needs brother .... as a matter of fact, he didn't have ANY family at all as he was adopted at birth and both parents died before we got married.....but the point is dear, our wedding WASN"T perfect either. What was hurt, loss and tremendous regret of the wedding has gone on to a very happy marriage despite it! And our wedding album was burned in a fire about 6 years ago, so we have learned that the word or thoughts of PERFECT isn't so important now as it seemed then. Believe it or not, now we can laugh TOGETHER over what use to be pure pain .... it is all according to "whoms perspective".
Be gentle when you talk to him but do talk to him.
2007-07-08 22:27:57 · answer #1 · answered by CallaLilly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not being a princess, you just want your wedding day to be the way you have pictured it and for everything to go smoothly.
You can not ask your H2B to choose another best man. Don't even think about it. But you should be comfortable enough with him to talk to him about your concerns. Let him know what you're worried about and see if you can make a few compromises, like maybe someone else should give the best man's toast? Also, I'm not sure what his specific disorder is, but I would use the same advice as with having children in the ceremony.
Make sure he's well prepared, weeks in advance of the event itself. Make sure he knows what an important day it is for you and what an important part he has in this day. Practice the ceremony with him in advance. If he'll be giving a toast, help him rehearse it at a family dinner to make sure he's comfortable. Leave a seat open in the front row so if he needs to take a break during the ceremony, he can have a seat without causing a big commotion. Space out your pictures (take some before and some after the ceremony) so it doesnt feel like so much time standing and posing. Get the ones he'll be in done quickly so he can move on to something else.
Last but not least, you'll just have to accept that this is who your H2B has chosen. Make the best of the situation and be prepared to shrug off any misbehavior as something you'll be able to laugh about later. Don't let it ruin your day. I think it is very special that your H2B wants to have his brother as his best man in spite of his challenges. You've definitely got a good man.
Best wishes!
2007-07-09 05:11:18 · answer #2 · answered by corinne1029 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't be so hard on yourself for having these thoughts, the only reason we have the fancy dress weddings is because we want to feel like a princess on our special day, other wise we would just have little ones with a justice of the peace. But .....you would be harshly judged if you try to exclude him.
Have a heart to heart with your H2B expressing your concerns about what might happen but please don't suggest that he not have him as his best man, then have another with his brother. Use words, phrases and comparisons that he is able to relate to in order to convey just how important this day and the ceremony is to you. Does he have a favorite story/book/movie that you could draw "importance" from? Does he have a grasp on the concept of a princess? If so, use that in your talk. Explain in detail what his responsibilities are and how very important his part is in the whole thing, what a special thing it is that he is doing for you to help you get married to his brother. If he spends weeks at a time with you guys, it sounds as if you both have a good relationship with him, and that you are able to communicate with him to some extent, use everything you have learned to draw out the best in him. As one person has suggested (I am sorry I didn't get your name before getting into the answer it area!), practice his duties often, question him on his duties to see if they are sticking in his mind, have another grooms man help him during the ceremony. Give him something to watch for while standing during the service (have him make sure ring doesn't get away, have him make sure that the rest of the grooms men don't misbehave, etc), if necessary let him sit and watch. Those who know you and your H2B well enough, know about his brother and the challenges he faces in life, they will understand anything that may happen, those that don't know you that well do not really count anyway, so don't sweat what they might think.
One thing to remember (and I know it sounds wierd, but it's true!), the details of a perfect wedding are soon forgotten, it's the boo boos and oopsies that are held onto and giggled at over the years to come. And who knows, he may surprise you all and become the perfect part of it all!
Congratulations and don't worry so much about the little stuff, just remember the wedding is supposed to be an event that helps you share your happiness of finding the man you love with the other people in your life that you also love, perfection is not necessary and ask anyone who has had one, very rarely happens!
2007-07-08 22:42:42 · answer #3 · answered by miki 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm going to throw my two cents into the ring on this one.
My ONLY concern with him being the best man is that traditionally, the best man serves as the witness to the marriage, and is the one who signs the marriage certificate. Is your BIL to be able to do this? My point here has NOTHING to do really with anything other than his ability to sign as a witness.
To that end, I still believe that he should be a part of the day - if not as Best Man, he should be a groomsman. Your bridal party are comprised of the friends and family who love and support you the most - obviously, your H2B loves his brother, and honestly, it sounds like you do, too. Weddings are about family and friends.
Besides, you're going to be surrounded by family and friends - if he wanders off, he wanders off. People will know that he's got some challenges, and I'm sure someone will help him if he begins to get agitated, etc. If he won't sit for a picture, take what you can and move on. At the end of the day, even if it doesn't go perfectly, I can't imagine you EVER regretting including family in your wedding!!
Best wishes to you!!
2007-07-09 02:08:26 · answer #4 · answered by sylvia 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I saw a wedding where someone who had mental challenges was the best man, and he did interupt the ceremony, but it looked like the bride and groom were less stressed because it added some humour to the ceremony-I always think that laughter is the best stress reliever.
My wedding didn´t go perfectly-my Dad lifted my veil, kissed me on the cheek, and when he moved to go hug my husband (they are very close), my veil fell back over my face. My matron of honor had to help me lift it back over my head, and in the video you can see that everyone was laughing-not at me, but with me. Now, I´m not blaming my Dad-it was an accident, but I just want to point out that the things that go wrong during a wedding make the wedding special-people do look to see how the bride reacts, and if you carry yourself with grace and self-confidence, you too will be a lovely bride.
I saw another wedding where the bride was all smiles, and then the groom wiped something (probably sweat or a tear) off the brides face. She reacted horribly, and practically screamed, "what are you doing." From then on, the bride didn´t smile, and I feel sorry for her-she should have laughed this off. Imagine-this video will last the rest of her life, and she is probably so embarrassed!
If I was you, I would not say a word, smile, and be proud that your husband to be wants his brother to be the best man. Sure, he might interupt the ceremony-but who cares? It shows that you have class when you accept others-you wouldn´t want others to not accept you if something would happen to change your circumstances-would you?
2007-07-09 00:30:51 · answer #5 · answered by Learning is fun! 4 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Give it a try, it sounds very important to your husband, and I think the brother may surprise you. You will probably need to sit with him and explain to him exactly what is going to happen, kind of like you would a child, or the ringbearer/flower girl. If you have a picture book or a movie, or someone else's wedding video, you can show him a visual of what is going to happen and what is expected of him. Make sure he has an out at the wedding, if he needs it. Let him know if he needs to, he can sit down on the front row and gather his thoughts, and then stand again when he is ready. Have another family member, not mom or dad, or one of the wedding party, be kind of his keeper to sit with him or follow him if he wanders off. If he is good following rules, you can give him rules, like it is Ok to sit at the front row, but it isn't Ok to leave the church or wander off. If he needs to sit, or if he can't stay for all the pictures, that's OK. The important thing is that you tried and were supportive for your hubby and his brother. Talk to your hubby and start preparing his brother now, little bits of info in small pieces of time, instead of all at once. People will understand, and I think it will be memorable and sweet. Good luck.
2007-07-09 09:02:42 · answer #6 · answered by LoveWithNoBoundaries 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Have a seriopus talk with your H2B about this.
It sound like you just don't want to be embarrassed during the ceremony!
The two of you could communicate this to the brother and perhaps have lots of practice session for him and talk about all the steps in the wedding ceremony and after and practice appropriate behaviours till he has them down pat. He'll want to do well for your sakes , so I think this is the way to go!
Remember nothing the brother does is a reflection on you personally, BUT your reaction to HIM does reflect very much on you personally.
You must be gracious at all cost!
2007-07-08 22:03:15 · answer #7 · answered by Donna G 2 · 5⤊ 1⤋
This one is tough, I would just go with it if I were you. I don't know how to say what I am thinking so hopefully it won't come off wrong, but change your mind frame about it. Think of him the same way you would think of a child.( flower girl or ring barer. ) If you know he wanders off maybe you could plan to have the groomsmen and bridesmaids sit during the ceremony, and have the grooms parents sit close by to make sure nothing goes wrong. I hate to compare someone with a mental disease to a child, but I hope you understand what I mean. Plan for the problem and then there will not be a problem, if he won't cooperate with the pic's then leave him out of them. Try to be sensitive to your husbands feelings and everything will work out. Good Luck.
2007-07-08 22:24:44 · answer #8 · answered by Krystal 2 · 5⤊ 0⤋
Your H2B might get offended when you discuss this thing to him. Better tell him to get somebody who will be there to always guide his brother during the ceremony so as not to catch and share the visitors' attention with you, the bride and the groom.
2007-07-08 22:26:27 · answer #9 · answered by Gem 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
i see your concerns, and understand. dont feel badly, its an issue, that has to be addressed, as a possibility of something that could cause problems in your wedding and should be treated as such, like any other. and-like any other i feel there is an answer, that, with a little work, and co-operation can be rectified. Think about his roles & duties on the actual day, while they are many they are all for fairly short periods of time, each time, during the ceremony, have an understanding relative, ready at his side, to prompt him, and guide him, same with during the photographs, and every other task. i think, with a little work, you can both have exactly what you want. Please have him in your wedding. This is a memory that will last a lifetime, and, any little hiccups will be easily forgotten, keeping such an important person in your lives out of your wedding will not. you love him for who he is, and-if that means he brings something to the day, thats not entirely expected, you just carry on. there is a great want of perfection on a wedding day, are any of us perfect? be who you all are, and enjoy. i wish you every happiness, & luck
2007-07-08 22:17:23 · answer #10 · answered by ♠ Merlin ♠ 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋