Should children be taught that "no" means "NO!"?

Question

I overheared a conversation at the Church barbeque/picnic (don't ask - we had contingency plans for bad weather!) today and it just about sums up many modern-day parents.
A girl was arguing over wanting to go on a "sleepover" next weekend with her friends from school and the parents had obviously said no because they had something else on.
She whined and whined and eventually the *Father* said she could and they would change the plans!
Well the little madam (all of ten years of age) then skipped across to tell her friend the "good" news of her "victory" over her parents.
Can you believe that?
There were no such things as "sleepovers" in my day but when my parents said "no" they meant it and I was the same with my boys - they learnt very quickly not to argue with me because if they did I told them that not only would they not be allowed to do/have whatever it was they were after but they wouldn't be allowed to do something else too for arguing.
I didn't *owe* an explain ...

.. ation either (although they *might* have one when they were old enough to understand).
What is the world coming to where the child rules the household?

Lulu - that's what upset me - that it happened at the Church - I wasn't the only one who commented afterwards but what can you do these days - modern parents think that they know it all - by reading "parenting" books and not The Book and then using their God-given common sense.

Karen that sounds fine - and on the clothes issue that is why I believe in school uniform but I laid out my boys clothes for after school and weekends too - that is one thing that I would *not* waste time even discussing unlike some parents today.

Megan you aare right that there is another side to the question often - that a *promise* to a child should be kept too which is why parents should be careful what they promise.
Funnily enough my grandson should have been at the barbeque but *he* was let down by his parents so you make a good point -

http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=ArA9Q865KYgXgk2CBbhCzFogBgx.?qid=20070707164210AAE5inR

Dragon's wife 8 - yes - I had to bite my tongue and so did others!

Answer 1

I couldn't possibly agree with you more -- and I have to say that seeing so many people who whole-heartedly support you is encouraging. One of the worst things a parent can do is vacillate. Inconsistency destroys children. It teaches them that they can't rely on you, and that is extremely harmful to a child. Children need to feel safe and secure, and consistency is key in doing that. Unfortunately, parents are often too lazy to be consistent. They don't realize that they're actually making it harder on themselves -- and unfortunately, on everyone else that child will be around through adulthood! As a high school teacher, I deal with the results of inconsistent and neglectful parenting on a daily basis. It is painfully clear to us whose children have been raised to be respectful, contributing adults, and whose have been taught that the world owes them a living. CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! No must mean no! And a promise to do something with your children (board game, circus, ice cream) MUST be fulfilled! I wish all parents could understand this! Thank you for bringing up this topic. It's one that really hits home for me.

Answer 2

Yes no should mean no! It's difficult when they keep whining on especially if they are putting you on a spot in front of other people. Trouble is if you don't stick to it the child gets mixed messages and begins to think that you can be talked around on anything and there will be constant battles over everything. My Dad only had to say no and I got the message and would forget about it. I try to do it with my kids but my Hubbie is a bit of a soft touch and tends to backtrack sometimes so that causes friction too because kids learn at a young age who they can talk around. I think many kids don't know no means no these days and many parents have an anything for a quiet life attitude, this works in the short term but can cause may more problems in the future.

Answer 3

This is a fabulous question and set at a time when parents throuought the world should be taking note.

No should always mean NO if it is justified, but the justification should already have been stated within the childs home and the child should not ever have challenged her parents. This is not intollerance - it is correct behaviour by the parents to say no for a specific reason.

Was this child Paris Hilton ? or a sound-a -like ???

Either way - bad parenting. Paris Hiltons' parents are rubbish! Rich but rubbish! Let everyone else take the responsibility for her poor education and inability to learn and the parents of the whinger you overheard today are no better than the Hiltons - only they may not be able to 'buy' madam out of trouble at a future date nor should they ever be expected to do so by her or any other person!!!

Have you seen the footage on the television this last week of the parents of the people who have been arrested for terrorism following the attrocities in London and Glasgow ?

May God or their god help those people, they seemed to be totally bemused and distraught and cannot believe that their children could behave like that. It would destroy me if one of my three ever became involved in anything like that but at the end of the day you can not switch off loving your natural born child even though you will not condone their actions.

Look back into the history of Great Britain - how long are we going to be able to say that?? - Clear off Scotland and Wales if you no longer want to be a part of one of the strongest, beneficial, educational and definately non-racist countries if the World. We educated, empowered and en-nobled people in the EMPIRE and in each country today including Madagascar they will all tell you that the native peoples benefitted from British rule and would like to return to it.

Unfortunately, at home we seem to have the new gods - like Homer Simpson - taking the place of parents. If it's ok with a yellow skinned cartoon neandethral it seems to be absolving some people who should not be parents from their responsibilities.

Unfortunately to beget a child you neither need intelligence nor rights these days, but a child needs BOTH. What it does not need is some wishy-washy cretin as a parent who will not give it the educational lead to recognise that with rights come responsibilities.

Oh! - sometimes i really wish i had become a politician !

Answer 4

Do you want an obedient child or a child who will succeed in life? Recently studies have shown that children who can successfully bargain or negotiate with their parents are more successful in the workplace. They take those skills they learned at home and apply them to getting that raise or promotion, even to just getting a job in the first place. Those who only learn obedience get good work and school reviews but are less likely to "move up the ladder."

Now that does NOT mean giving in to whining or throwing fits. Whining or begging is an instant end to any consideration, even if *I* was going to offer an alternative. That means the child has to come up with intelligent, non-whiny alternatives or "deals" to present to the parents in a logical, calm manner. My kids learned early to accept the no without whining, but think through an alternative to what they wanted, or to discuss the issue calmly.

You also have to make sure your "no" is logical and reasonable. I find that I (and other parents!) often say no simply because it's the easiest thing to say at the time. When a child is confronted with an illogical or arbitrary "no" then they are unlikely to respect your answer. Give them a reason why not. Usually they can see the logic of it and will end up, more often than not, agreeing and you can help them make other plans more agreeable to you.

If you give them a good reason and they still keep whining or begging, etc, then it's time for discipline.

Kids aren't stupid, they just don't always think things through.

Answer 5

In our house no means no, I'm a single parent and have pretty much brought my children up single handed from a very young age and have always been pretty strict where NO is concerned.

Obviously as they get older it's time to test the boundaries but they discover than no still means no. If they push a no they get a punishment, no pocket money, being grounded, that sort of thing.

I hate it when they try it on and I know on certain occasions and about certain things they will, it's only natural.

There is NO way I would say no to something then change my plans and say yes to some spolit little brat. What message does that send, no means yes eventually. No means NO and all children should know that.

Answer 6

Maybe they were embarrased! No one wants other parents esp at a church bbq to hear their child winge and moan and probably think that it makes them seem like bad parents so by agreeing may have defused the situation..doesnt mean she always gets her way or that her homelife is ruled by her!

Unless you go to the home you cant really make a judgement-just an opinion about other people!

Answer 7

How sad. The child, at age 10, already rules that home.

Years from now, maybe the parents will be going thru things like Paris Hilton's parents do. And work on getting her out of jail.

No must mean no. They do no favors by backing down. In our house, if we said no, that was that. If they whined about it and it got on my nerves, they'd get sent to their room.

Answer 8

I agree with you to a point. When I tell my son "no" that means "no" and no amount of whining will change that. As a matter of fact, whining gets him sent to his room. However, there are times when I catch myself saying no for no reason. And if I realize that, sometimes I will go ahead and let him do whatever it is he has asked to do. However, I don't do it if he has whined or thrown a fit in anyway. But sometimes I think that parents are just in a habit of saying no that they say it without really thinking about what the child is asking. And there's really no way of knowing why the parents were saying no in the first place or what made them change their minds.

Answer 9

Oh my goodness! I cannot believe the parents actually gave into the little brat! They are raising a manipulative, spoiled child. No means no means no! I never got an explanation and I never give one to my child other than "because I said so". Today's society is all about keeping your kids happy rather than raising them to be honest, hardworking, good natured people. Parents who believe in giving kids what they want and just letting them run the show should never have been allowed to reproduce! If I had heard that I would have probably jerked the parents by the collars and said "what are you thinking???? NO MEANS NO!"

Answer 10

If my children can come up with a compromise or solution that solves whatever problem I had with whatever I was saying 'no' to, then I am reasonable enough to allow for a change to my original decision. Anything else would just seem kind of stubborn and obstinate, to me. I want them to learn how to solve problems in their lives, in a way that acknowledges others needs while fulfilling their own. I will encourage them positively when they do this.

So, in our house, anyway 'No' means 'I'm sorry but that won't work because .' And, if they can come up with a solution that resolves that and does not inconvenience others, then I will certainly praise them for their problem solving abilities and thoughtfulness. And, I will work with them.