How can I erase bitterness and anger in my marriage?

Question

My husband and I have been married for five years. We are both Christians, but he is more non-practicing than I am. His two best friends are recently divorced and now single. 4th of July they went to Hooter's for dinner and then to see Transformers. I am really very upset about him going to Hooter's, and in particular, because he lied about it. I am angry, resentful, and incredibly hurt. I have been crying myself to sleep almost every night since then. He has apologized over and over again. I am so upset because we have had numerous, numerous conversations about Hooter's and he knew how I felt. I feel just crushed and deceived. I have heard so many horror stories - about the girls practically flouncing their breasts in their face and the flirting they do for tips. This is a form of infidelity, to me. I have tried to give my pain to God, but it still hurts. I don't think I want to end my marriage, but I feel so dishonored. How can I/we get past this?

If you support Hooter's, please keep your comments to yourself. This questions is mainly not to debate the Hooter's establishment (I could go on and on about that for weeks!), but to get past struggles in our relationships. He originally told me they went to Buffalo Wild Wings, but he sort of paused or hesitates before he said the restaurant which I thought was strange. Then, he said he had a cobb salad for dinner. I went to bed shortly after, and something about what he said didn't sit well with me. I logged onto the Hooter's and BWW website to look at the menus, and low and behold, the cobb salad was only on the Hooter's website.

I don't care if you believe me, but it isn't really the girls or that I feel insecure. That isn't the issue. I don't believe objectifying women is a form of entertainment. I also don't believe married or otherwise attached men should oogle and flirt with other women. It is adding gas to an already burning fire. And contrary to what some of you think, I am actually not controlling. I only ask 3 things of my husband: No Hooter's, no strip clubs, and he must remain faithful. Everything else is pretty flexible.

Answer 1

Both of you need to read "The Five Languages of Apology" by Chapman and Thomas. Very good book on Healing in Relationships.
Good Luck.

Answer 2

O.k. I do not come from a Christian perspective so i trust i am welcome to leave my opinion. I feel that this situation my be the mask for deeper resentments you have held over time. A sense of betrayal can leave you feeling exactly the way that you do now, however he did not practise infidelity in the proper sense of the word. He did not have an affair and nor would he have man-handled the waitresses or had a lap dance! What is this really about? What are you really dealing with? He has apologised for his lie, it is up to you to develop strength in your esteem to let it go. Would you rather be right or happy? He will understandably need to gain your trust back over time but ultimately fixating upon this issue and not dealing with it will result in divorce. It is your choice to discover the real issue being presented and deal with it. Best of luck my friend.

Answer 3

He lied about it which makes it more wrong, mistrust is very hard to get over and I think you are more upset about that than anything else which is totally understandable. If it was innocent why did he have to lie about it ? It will be very hard to trust him again but if you think your marriage is worth it, seek counseling, maybe your church offers it or any other marriage counseling is fine too. I am not married but I have been with my guy for 7 years and all his friends are single so we have to deal with trust issues like yours all the time and we go to counseling every once in awhile, it helps alot just to get an unbiased opinion ... Good luck :)

- I remembered this a little later ... try reading the book "Men are from Mars women are from Venus" It helped me alot and showed me a better way to communicate with men.

Answer 4

Number one: He lied and didn't think you would press the issue as to where they went. To me the only important thing is that he was untruthful. Why was he untruthful? Because you are trying to impose your values on him even though he may not see the harm in where they went? Or because he knew you would react like this? I do not think Hooters is the greatest place in the world to go, but he could have done worse! If you are as commited to God as you profess, forgiveness would be a second nature, not something you have to work hard at. You could glean a lot of good information on forgiveness by studying the Navajo Indian philosophy on anger and forgiveness, these people are better Christians Than the missionaries who tried to convert them. Even though they did not know who Christ was until missionaries taught them, they were already living many of his teachings. Your husband made a mistake, he lied. He has begged forgiveness, grant it to him and get on with life.
He could have been out with a hooker or homosexual and brought you a real gift. Count your blessings girl.

Answer 5

Marital problems can be solved and marriages saved when both mates apply what Jesus Christ said: “‘You must love Jehovah your God with your whole heart and with your whole soul and with your whole mind.’ This is the greatest and first commandment. The second, like it, is this, ‘You must love your neighbor as yourself.’” (Matthew 22:37-39) Here is the key to marital happiness. Both husband and wife must love Jehovah before loving themselves or each other. This relationship may be compared to a threefold cord. “If somebody could overpower one alone, two together could make a stand against him. And a threefold cord cannot quickly be torn in two.”—Ecclesiastes 4:12.When Christian mates view separation as the only solution to their marital problems, they are in danger of succumbing to Satan’s devices, and there is something seriously wrong spiritually. God’s principles are not being applied fully by one or both of them. So they should promptly make prayerful efforts to resolve their differences.
colossians 3:13, Continue putting up with one another and forgiving one another freely if anyone has a cause for complaint against another. Even as Jehovah freely forgave YOU, so do YOU also.

Answer 6

Well, maybe he was exploring his sexuality. You could have said a strip club or a prostitute. he just got a 16 year old girl pregnant, that would be worse. A lot of times men go to those places because as it says in the bible. "a man in want of heart" maybe you cry to much, expect to much sometimes we push the very people away from us that we want to be close to. I know your hurt but would you want to come home to some screaming winney complaining women every night?
Find something else to occupy your time besides trying to live his life for him. that is why women should have a good education and a job. You have not been dishonored, you wasn't there he was. He lied, not you. But the point is he apologized over and over. Okay let it go until he comes in that door and says. "baby it is over I want a divorce hope you can support yourself." Then cry but crying now just pushes him into that last step.

Answer 7

Instead of you being upset because he went to "Hooters", I hope what you are really upset with is the fact that he lied to you. He knew how you felt about this restaurant ! Probably he was imbarrased to tell his friends you didn't want him to go there. They would have called him "pussy whipped". Y'all are likely in your early 20s. He needs to grow up ! Being with someone in this type of a relationship is not about what his friends think of him. Why was he out with his friends instead of with you.If you were working, it is understandable that he could not be with you BUT he does not need to be running around with these guys anyway. They are single and if he and you are liveing together, he is the same as being married. They will be expecting him to be going to a lot of places and he needs to decide if he wants to run with his buddies or be with you.

Answer 8

You sound like a very tense person. Perhaps the fact that
you went on and on about the restaurant before he went there
made it a little more like forbidden fruit than it really is. I went
once, not knowing that it really was not an oyster bar, (I love
fried oysters and just read the sign.)They did not have oysters. I did not know about its
rep and did not see anything there that was untoward. (Later
when I told my husband and he told me what hooters was a
reference to, I did not believe him, as I saw no above average
chests there). The worry is that EVERY woman in the street
has breasts. And if you are this paranoid about him. It seems
to say a lack of trust to me. Did your husband cheat on you?
That is where mistrust and bitterness and jealousy usually come from. Not one trip to a aging cheerleader restaurant.

Answer 9

your husband has lied to you and gone off to enjoy looking at other girls with his friends, probably not the first time and maybe the reason his freinds are now divorced? If you think he is really a stand up type of man worth fighting for then you better bury tha hatchet and dont leave the handle sticking up, but really I beleive he is just like most other men who lie and try to cheat-sorry, but Ive seen a lot of how men act ehind thier wives backs-anyways if you consider that a type of infedility then let me tell you I do to- and let me tell you men DONT unless there is actually sex lol- If i was you I wouldnt be able to forget it either! I dont forget those type things which is why im single now! Anyways if you want to keep him you better not keep bringing it up- men cant deal with constant reminders of thier mistakes- really no one can! Usually in relationships if trust is lost then all is lost, so you better trust him again too, if you want to retain him that is-
dont feel bad they are just not like us-most men are so not good enuf for their wife-

Answer 10

Men will be men...maybe he has to lie to you to get out of the house sometime...I am not being mean....everybody deserves some "down" time from their every day lives. The most important thing is he came home to you, not some girl that is trying to earn a living working at Hooters....I have been to Hooters for lunch with the girls and it is really no big deal.Go there and have lunch and see for yourself. If you are such a devot Christian, then you need to forgive him. Giod has.....