How can I take my wedding back from my soon to be mother in law?

Question

My mother in law has decided that this is 'her' wedding. In her words: its my son so its MY wedding! (this she yelled at me when I objected to the menu choices)
We are young and paying for it ourselfs, however the reciption is being held on her property. She seems to be making all the decisions. She said that we have to have beans and rice because thats how her 'traditional' mexican family throws a party (they are not traditional though), that it has to be before a certain day so her best friend won't be out of town (I have never met the woman) and that we need it early in the afternoon so that her friends won't have to leave right away to go home and get ready for work the next day (I want it toward sunset, its outside and the daytime is so hot in Texas!).
Not only that but she is so excited she is planing to wear the suit she was married in 12 years ago (ITS RED, BRIGHT RED!)
How do I regain control of My special day without starting a fight that could ruin it completely?

Answer 1

The wedding is yours, have some photographs taken at the wedding. They are so emotional, you really can't intervene, and your husband=to=be knows her well enough.
If he gives you a complacent answer to every one of your objections, they have air=conditioned homes, the sunlight is better, etc. he is used to her, and going along with her as always. (They have their ration, they don't ration as you do, and don't waste time trying, your husband may have sisters whom notice the fight and unhappiness. Don't do this at your own wedding.)
The above is a good idea, plan a second reception of your own, you and a few friends, all of these people you know and like. Do more than endure the reception. Learn the names of the people you don't know, smile a lot, you will get better photographs, and put up with her for the day.
She may make a great grandmother, and if you complain about this at her home, she won't forget it, and will compare you unfavorably with other daughters=in=law, or relatives at their receptions, etc. It could go on and on. When she babysits for your children, you can take your husband back.

Answer 2

You are paying for it yourselves? If she's not paying for it, why is she even involved in the planning? Why include her in the decision making? So it's on her property-- personally, I'd move it to somewhere else! There are plenty of places you could have a reception for little money.

Is she aware that the choices she is forcing on you are not what you want? Are you silently going along with what she's doing?

Bottom line: it's YOUR wedding. It's YOUR day. If you let her control this day, you'll probably end up letting her control other aspects of your life later on. Don't let her! This day is about YOU and your fiance. It's about you guys starting your lives together. You should be making decisions together, not allowing a third party to butt in.

Usually, it's all about the BRIDE, not the groom. Stand up for yourself and tell her what YOU want. Don't let her bully you, because that's all she is-- a big bully. Politely tell her to butt out. If she doesn't listen, tell her again and again.

Is your fiance allowing her to do this? She's his mother-- make HIM tell her to back off! Make sure he knows how miserable she's making you and have him put a stop to it right now, before she starts making decisions about other things (family, kids, etc.).

Let her wear her crusty old red suit. She'll look ridiculous in it and it'll be there in all the pictures for her to see how stupid she looked. Just make sure you get lots of pictures without her in them!!!

And one more thing-- I am from San Antonio. I've been to plenty of Mexican weddings without beans and rice! It can be done!

Answer 3

I'm afraid your choices are to bow down and let her run the entire show or have a fight. This woman is not allowing you to have anything your way, and she's not going to give up control easily.

Choose somewhere else to have your reception. Have your fiance put his foot down (hey, it's his wedding, too AND it's his mother that's causing the problem, so he needs to take a hand in this) and stand your ground as a couple.

If she wants to wear red, let her wear red. That's not such a big deal. But don't let her completely dictate the date, time, guest list, menu...after all, this is YOUR wedding, not hers. Don't have her wedding. She had hers twelve years ago, and now it's your turn.

Answer 4

wow! this is a good question and the answers are chock full of excellent advice. usually i always plead with the bride to be the "better person" in the interests of family kindness and harmony, but this time, i think there may be another way. as some of the other posters have said, if you are paying for it yourself, why is the mil involved at all? because it is at her house? then let her throw you a lovely reception at her house in whatever way she wants with whatever foods she wants that SHE has paid for.....at another date. this has solved many wedding problems that stem from an excess of excited, involved people on both sides. both of you tell her that you appreciate that she wants to make a special day with her own imprint on it, and you would be delighted to let her have a reception for you, say, after you return from your honeymoon. and then you both tell her, kindly, that your reception is going to be what ever you both have planned. find a place for it, now, quickly, before you tell her this, that will work for you. the cost may be more than you had hoped to pay, but this way you both get what you want. if you approach her with kindness and understanding, you will do fine.

Answer 5

You and your fiance need to tell her that if you and he are paying for the reception, then she is not to make the decisions. If she disagrees, have it someplace else. Tell her you will book another place and time and print the invitations without her involvement (I take it you haven't sent these out yet).

If you've already mailed them and she doesn't budge, contact the vendors she wants to use and be sure they bill her. And be sure to inform her of this as a point of leverage. With that being done, hire your own caterer to provide the food you want. At least the guests will have two options. As for the time, can you compromise on this? What are the temps like around 6pm?

Let her wear her ugly red suit. She'll look stupid and make a fool of herself. Good luck.

Answer 6

wow, i suggest that you find another place to have your reception. this is YOUR (his and yours) wedding not hers! you have a right to at least PICK THE DAY! if you are paying for it yourself, she really does not have a say.

you and your husband should pick what foods you want because they are important to you two, not because she has decided to play the traditional card.

your day is set up for your best friends and family, not yours. tell her that okay, your friend can come, but the wedding on this day.

it is hot in texas and i think it is very kind you are thinking how your guest will be melting in the sun. so if you decide not to change where you are having it, try to explain to her that she does not want dying people on the ground and people can make it home by 10pm and be fine the next day.

your groom really needs to stand up and say mom, you are going over the line here. he is letting her railroad you and that is a big no no.

as for the dress.....that is an uphill fight you probably are going to lose. i would just limit pictures with her in it. you really can only tell your mom what to wear :P. just be happy she is not wearing white.

Answer 7

Sounds like time for a heart to heart with your MIL...but have a good sane talk with your fiancee first, so that he's got your back. You do need to be a unified front on this case.

Do remember though that she's also probably trying to make everything as wonderful for her baby boy as she can...even if it's in her own head.

I would encourage you to have the reception elsewhere, to take back some of the control.

Remind her that she gets to be fully and wholy in charge of the rehearsal dinner...but that the wedding is, by right, the bride's to plan. You'd love to have her HELP, but the decision making is between you and your fiancee.

Be sensitive though, because your MIL is ultimately someone that you'd like to be friends with.

Answer 8

Are you marrying my ex-husband? :D Your future MIL sounds like my ex-MIL. What a nightmare! Yes, mine actually said those words as well: This is MY wedding! Frightening. Some other posters have said that if you and your fiance don't stand up to her now, he never will and you are in for a tough row to hoe. Trust me on this! One of the major reasons we got divorced was because of his mother. My ex-husband is a decent guy but just couldn't cut off from mommy's apron strings and she helped to run our marriage into the ground. I'm not saying that will happen to you (and I pray it doesn't!), but you have to let her know up front who is in charge. If you are paying and it is YOUR wedding (which it is!), then she has no say. I don't see any reason not to have beans and rice as side dishes at the reception -- that's a small thing you can do for her to keep her happy. Her dress sounds tacky and ridiculous, but again, it's a small thing for you to accede to. After all, she is the one who is going to look like a floozy, not you! As for the date and time of the wedding, that is solely up to you and your fiance! Do not let anyone else dictate when you will get married -- that's *your* decision.

Be kind and have a smile on your face when you 'confront' her, but make sure your fiance accompanies you and agrees with you before you meet with your future MIL. If he isn't on your side and BY your side, rethink the wedding. I know that sounds harsh but I promise you: it's better to get out before the cake is cut than after.

Answer 9

Sit down with your fiance, and explain to him what is going on. You might consider a local park to have your wedding at if you feel you need to change the place of the wedding rather than at her house. But, you all need to sit down together. She might not have had the wedding of her dreams, and is trying to make this the wedding of her dreams. If she were paying for it that might be one reason to concede to her wishes, but, since you are paying for it. Make it your day. Are you having your wedding on a Sunday? If you are then, I can see having it earlier in the day, but, if you are having it on a Friday/Saturday, people that might have to work have two options, leave early, or take the next day off.
Good luck in taking your wedding back.

If your finance does not help you.... you might be in for a long marriage to him and momma unless you plan on moving far away from her.

Answer 10

I must say I have to agree with your soon to be MIL that the theme is indeed a bit tacky HOWEVER, it is your wedding and you can do whatever the heck u like. If u wanted to serve happy meals to yr guests that's your prerogative and she needs to respect that. Unless she's paying for the wedding then ull have to respect her opinion. If not, then the hell with her. She can complain all she wants but since she's not the one paying or doing the actual planning (decorating, shopping for the dressed and boots) there's nothing she can do about it.