I got engaged yesterday and my diamond is really small, almost invisible, how do I tell him I can't accept it?

Question

I am not usually a spoiled brat although I probably sound like one right now. He can afford a nice ring for sure. The ring is supposed to represent our future, it is 1/10 of a karat. This ring is so small it is embaressing, it is a "chip", a spare cut diamond you use for accents. We have been together for so long I thought he would put more care into making this decision. Is this how our life will be together? Taking the cheap way out for everything? On top of that he didn't really ask me, we were on a rollercoaster and he said look what I have for you.

He is not saving for the wedding because my family is paying for it.

Answer 1

If he didn't specifically ask you to marry him, you'd better make sure that's an engagement ring at all before you get too worked up over the size. He may have just wanted to give you a nice, spontaneous gift. Or as others have said, it may be meant as a promise ring.

Once you're certain what this ring represents, you need to sit down and really think about the relationship. It sounds like he's a lot quirkier than you and you're not entirely on the same page. Marriage requires a lot of compromise and a general unity of purpose. Do you and he have similar goals and values? Are you always going to be figuring out whether to accept his oddities or fight them? Is he going to understand what's important to you?

I'm not going to join with those berating you, because I know that sometimes symbols matter. You're not complaining that you 'only' got two carats or that the band isn't platinum, you're upset because a moment you've always dreamed of wasn't anything like what you were hoping for, and dreams can die hard.

Ultimately what you need to consider is whether you and this guy are going to have enough in common and enough love to see you through the hard times of marriage. I will tell you the love of a quirky man can be incredibly rewarding if you're open to it...but it really isn't for everyone.

Talk to him. Really talk. He needs to understand why you're unhappy, and you need to understand what he was trying to say to you...and if you can't find a meeting place, then it's time to really think hard.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 2

No, I don't think you're a spoiled brat for having a problem with a 1/10th of a carat diamond size. Heck, I'd need my reading glasses to see that one! If you had a problem that your diamond was "only" .5 carots or "only" 1 carot, I would suspect you were a bit of a princess, but 1/10th? May as well not buy a diamond at all and go with CZ.

Is this part of an overall pattern of his being cheap with you? I once had a boyfriend who expected me to pay for everything: his meals, his kid's meals, all vacations, etc. Does he spend a lot on himself, yet skimp on you? The tiny diamond may be a symptom of a larger problem where he's not generous with you in spirit, which manefests as far more cheap materially than is necessary.

Also, I'm concerned that he never specifically asked you to marry him. I wouldn't consider a ring without a proposal without specifically popping the question. I like the idea of your asking him whether it's a promise ring.

P.S. To get a guy's perspective, I asked my fiance what he thought of your situation. He said he didn't think the ring was a proposal, just a gift. And he added that if a guy proposes with a 1/10th of a carot diamond ring, he should provide a magnifier or microscope to go along with the ring! And he agrees with Suz that if a guy can't afford a 1/4 carot diamond ring, he has no business getting married.

Answer 3

You said yourself that he cannot afford a nice ring. Perhaps he wants to save some money to pay for thing the that follows the ring...its called a wedding and it can be quite expensive. Also, he might be thinking that you two will need a house or apartment as well.

I can understand you being upset. Most girls have ingrained in their minds their idea of the perfect proposal. Usually that involves a super sparkly ring. Are you sure it is an engagement ring? You said he didn't even really ask you. It might be a promise ring, especially if you haven't been dating that long. 1/10 of a carat is pretty small for an engagement ring, but if you really love this guy, you should be happy that he wants to spend his life with you.

Keep in mind that you can always upgrade your diamond later. Focus on what is important right now...your relationship and your future together.

Answer 4

I can understand that you probably want a big ring and all the excitement of an awesome proposal to go with it, but he did it in his way and if you accepted the ring, you're engaged to be married...and if you are so upset over the proposal and ring, and not too focused on the upcoming MARRIAGE, then you have some bigger issues to deal with. You need to sit yourself down and decide what is more important...your being engaged to the man you love (do you love him?) or a decoration on your finger...a symbol of love? Many people don't even get diamond rings, they can get simple wedding bands, or nothing at all...to some people its all about the actual relationship, to some its all about the diamond. The second kind of people don't make for good spouses.

Answer 5

if my bf got me a tiny ring, i would be flattered,regardless. Of course, he also works a part-time job and is struggling to make rent and pay child support, so it would mean so much if he could buy me a ring at all. But then again, he would do all he could to make sure i get the best even if he has to make sacrifices to get it for me (no matter how much i'd ask him not to) because that's just the kind of guy he is. But if your man could easily afford better, then i don't really know what to tell you. It could be he's cheap, but it could be he didn't know if you'd say "yes" and didn't want to be out of $1,000 or so if you said "no" , or it could be like a "starter-ring" to hold you over until he can afford something bigger/better (which lots of guys with tight budgets do) or he could be saving up for something more important, like your wedding, the house you're going to live in,etc. But i don't know. and that's a difficult situation because i see where you're coming from, like you must feel that's all you're worth to him,or something. But i can also kind of see how things would look from his side and he may feel like he's not good enough for you or you don't appreciate him. So i don't know. I think you should talk to him about it and hopefully you can come to some kind of agreement, like you go all out on your Wedding rings, or something. Those are the ones that really matter anyway.

But no i don't think you're a spoiled brat. Maybe if you were whining because your ring was only 3 carats instead of 5, but i can see where you're coming from. Still,though,i think he at least deserves a little credit for effort and i think a proposal on top of a rollercoaster is spontaneous and romantic. i hope my bf does something like that. he always says when he does propose,it'll be something completely unpredictable that we'll never forget. Can't wait to see what he's gonna do ;p

Answer 6

Is it a promise ring?

If he did mean it for an engagement ring . . . I really don't think you are a brat. It is a valid concern.

Will he take the cheap way out for everything? IRL, I have noted that men who cheap out on the ring . . . well, they can be selfish in other aspects too. Like they have wives who don't get proper medical care. Yes, hubby has the money, but he won't allow them to spend it on doctor and dental appointments. Clothing? Hubby wears new suits to work, Wife struggles to have barely decent clothes . . . or doesn't have enough clothing, must do laundry constantly.

I think you should observe this man carefully and objectively before agreeing to marry him. And yes, I think you should let him know the engagement ring is not acceptable . . . and observe his reaction.

Tell him you don't need to have the biggest, most expensive ring in the world, but it does need to be a real engagement ring, and one that you like. After all, you will have to wear it for a long, long time.

Please, please use caution . . . and take a very objective look at him before agreeing to marry him. How does your family feel about this?

To those who are being tough on the asker:
Be real. If the man cannot save up enough for the purchase of a 1/4 carat ring, then he is not financially ready to get married anyway.

Plus, there are always beautiful rings on sale at the pawn shop for great prices. He can do better, and should.

Answer 7

Ouch. Tricky situation. This is a difficult subject to broach without sounding like a "spoiled brat".
In your defense... I totally understand. You've been waiting for this moment and this ring you're whole life. How utterly disappointing. Part of me wants to think he's kidding and that a "real" proposal and ring are on the way.
It may be that "I have something for you" is all you get... in which case you should laugh about his spontinaety and enjoy the engagement story. Perhaps work this little joke into your vows. My wedding site caught on fire... so we're having mention of our hearts blazing in our vows. Make light of an otherwise frustrating situation.
And for the ring... do NOT let on you don't like it. He may be extremely proud of his ring choice. Let him be the hero. But you're going to have to shop for a band... at that time pick out a set you love with a larger stone. In the future if he asks why you aren't wearing his tiny engagement ring, simply tell him it's too precious and you don't want to lose/damage it.... ever.
Good luck honey.

Answer 8

Before jumping the gun here, how about asking him did you ask me to marry you, or is this a promise ring, just so that you know either way if you are engaged. Whether the ring is a promise ring or engagment ring, you need to stop being so conceited and shallow and be happy that somebody asked you to marry you, in such a unique way. By the way, if you want a really good wedding, which sounds like you are the type that does, its going to cost lots of money; thousand of dollars. Maybe he is saving some money for that, because he knows having a great wedding will create memories that will last a lifetime and wants to make you happy that way. If you dont "accept" the ring he shouldnt "accept" marrying a gold-digger.

Answer 9

Maybe it's a promise ring and not an engagement ring. You should ask what does this mean - if he says its an engagement ring then you should say that you had a different idea for an engagement ring. If he is able to afford a nicer ring then by all means say something. I married a cheap b*stard and I'm glad I got rid of that and have a nicer man you not only spends the money that I deserve but he actually takes the time and effort into his gift giving.

Answer 10

Have you thought that maybe your boyfriend... could be testing you. You say that you aren't usually a spoiled brat... but if ya'll have been together a long tie as you say you have, maybe he thought well we'll see if she really is. Also, I know a LOT of couples that had sort of a "starter" ring. A ring that he got that was just intended for the surprise but not meant to be "the ring". They got those rings later on the wedding day or 1st anniversary. Another thing to consider besides the size of this "chip" is the quality. Diamonds range in value just like anything else. Yes he could have afforded to get you a huge rock.... but it might not have been as nice of a diamond. Maybe you should do a litt research on it before you jump to conclusions that he doesn't care about it. My fiance said the same thing to me when we got engaged. He was really excited and forgot what he was "supposed" to say. Who cares! Is your marriage to impress other people or to fulfill your heart???