Why don't people take care of their parents instead of dumping them in nursing homes?

Question

Granted, some people are so bad off they need the round the clock care provided in a nursing home.
But I put my life and my dreams on hold for 15 years to take care of my elderly father. I even sold my house and moved in with him because I knew how much his home meant to him.
And I didn't even date women because I felt that if things got serious, I couldn't devote myself to two people.
I don't think I deserve a medal or anything, I just felt it was the right thing to do, and I wonder why other people don't feel the same compassion for their parents.

Answer 1

i am social worker who works with the elderly and sometimes you can't do any better. You have a really good job out of state then bam your mother has a stroke. She won't come to live with you because she has been in this state her hole life. You can't move back because you have kids and a family and a job. YOu wil be broke and and cramed in her house if you come back, so you put her in nursing home. I see things like that all the time.
ON the other side you have kids who live almost next door to their parents never call or come by and the parent has to put themselves into a home because they need so much help and they can't do it alone those are the sad cases. sometimes when i talk to them they say how bad a parent their parent was, they were on drugs or they abused them and i guess that is understandable but other have nothing but kind words for their parents but don't do anything
I think you were a great child i personally would not of stayed single because like you said it was 15 yrs your hole life could pass you by taking care of them. Ofcourse not being in your situtation i can't say what i would do. I would like to think that i would date and the woman would have to understand it is a package deal and if we are to get married we will move in with him. If she did not understand then she is not the right one for me. But that is the past and you did what was right for you.
Also some parents don't want to be taken care of they feel they are the parent and they want to be in the nursing home. In a weird way it makes them feel more independent.

Answer 2

My Father had a very serous stroke and having diabetes for most of his life and i didn't want to put him in a nursing home but left with no other choice to do so cause he did need 24/7 care and I had to work to pay the bills and my other family members didn't want to help. But I never did once forget about my Father and was there with him in the nursing home helping take care of his needs until the day he passed away. Now my Mother is in a retirement home for the elderly and I have been taking care of her also.

Answer 3

I were a carer and volunteer at my neighborhood Age Concern and plenty of aged folks there have mentioned they're going to now not reside with youngsters and grandchildren - due to the fact that they do not suppose their household will cope. We have a gentleman of ninety six who's the final surviving member of his household. He didn't have youngsters, brothers who died within the warfare, sisters who emigrated and so forth. He is like many, do not need household to defend them. Others could now not desire to reside in a bustling household dwelling with youngsters strolling round. They are not able to manage that. They want the calmness and pursuits that a residential dwelling can supply them. Those with dementia or an identical customarily are not able to be sorted in a household dwelling due to the fact that they're too disruptive - a few are violent and will have to now not be round youngsters with out supervision - which busy mother or father's are not able to continuously do. By the time nearly all of aged folks move right into a dwelling, they have got been receiving help of their possess dwelling for a long time. This can imply foods on wheels, bathing offerings, carers stepping into, household help and so forth however they want circular the clock care which so much households can not do. For so much households this is a heartbreaking choice to position an aged mother or father right into a dwelling and the choice is made following years of worrying and help.

Answer 4

In your situation, yeah, it's the right thing to do.

My mother-in-law entered a nursing home yesterday. She lived with us up until she fell over one day and got a compaction fracture in her back. She can move a little bit, just barely enough to go to the bathroom and back, but is seriously unsteady.

I can't pick her up if she falls, she's too heavy. I have two small children, aged 3 and 5. What are we supposed to do? We can't afford 24/7 nursing care, nor do we have the room for that.

It's not like we just "stuck" her there, so why not keep your judgemental attitude to yourself? That's an awful thing to say to people who have to make the difficult decision to put their very much loved parent in a place where strangers take care of them. Shame on you.

Answer 5

That's great that you were able to do that for your father, but not everyone is physically, financially, or emotionally capable of doing the things necessary to keep a parent at home. Often when someone tries to care for their parent at home and they are not qualified, the parent ends up in much worse shape than if they had just gone to assisted living where they could be somewhat independent and not at the mercy of their child. Some aging parents prefer to live separately from their children. Plus, when someone tries to do this, they patient/parent often outlives the caregiver/child. Caring for someone round-the-clock is taxing on the body and soul. I don't think it has anything to do with lack of compassion.

Answer 6

these days, i see that many parents are living with and being cared for by their adult children (usually until such time they need around the clock care).

today, there are facilities (assisted living, where elderly are looked in upon and helped with taking meds, etc) for the elderly. these facilities provide them company with people their own age, group day trips and other activities. much better than sitting around the house all of the time, if they are able to do something once in a while. plus, they are among their peers, and have people their own age to relate to.

15 years is a long time to put your entire life on hold. you did this for yourself and your father, and it was your choice.

truly, though, assisted living isn't a death sentence... it can be quite enjoyable for some older folks.

sometimes a nursing home is a necessity, also. as you said, for those who need around the clock care.

every family has to make its own choices, and look at their individual situations. i took care of my mother for over a year until she died. it was a good experience for me, even though she did need around the clock care -- we had hospice for help. it was financially draining and i lost everything in the aftermath (my retirement and all my savings). I'm 50 and it really hurts... i have had to start over again, and i'm disabled. So life over here is now poverty level, and i'm not used to it at all.

so, we all have to look at our own situations and decide what is best.

hopefully you are taking care of YOU now and living a fulfilling life. i'm sure that is what your father would want for you.

take care.

Answer 7

I only have a mother. My father is not dead just a dead beat. This subject come up the other day. I am 34 with 2 kids and no wife, I am divorcing her. I believe it is the parents job to take care of the kids. Not the kids take care of the parents. My mother agreed with this. Now if I was older and the kids were grown Maybe my thinking would be different.

Answer 8

Apparently while you don't think you deserve a medal, you think you deserve to brag about your selflessness.

Your situation is yours. I'm glad you found a solution which worked for your aging dad's care. But to assume that's the best solution for other people is ridiculous. To assume they have no compassion for their parents is downright insulting.

What would you have done if you had a wife and/or kids depending on you financially and emotionally? That's a far more common situation--and the people who have to do their best by both are caught in a serious dilemma. You gloating about your own wonderfulness doesn't help one bit.

Answer 9

My mother woulnd't want to live with me. For which I am very grateful. We never have got on. She lives in a care home, is fiercly independent and is happy.
My mil also wanted to go into a carehome. She fell ill while visiting my sister-in-law and was very distressed at the trouble she caused. The fact that we cared about her and were glad to be able to help her, was beside the point. She was glad to go into hospital, where she died.
It depends on the kind of person you are and the person you are taking care of. As a mother, I would never ever want my child to be without companionship because they had to look after me. That is really not on. Who is going to be there for you when you are old????

Answer 10

Your father was indeed lucky to have you there for him. In many other cultures it is the norm for a lot of extended family to live together, and it was quite normal, here in the states many yrs ago for big farming family componds. I think we have become overall a very selfish society. However I do think that you should not have put your life on hold. If you met a truley good women she would have understoodd your devotion for your father and quite possbly have been a big help to you and your father