Giving someone a place to stay that overstays?

Question

If you help a friend out and give them a place to stay in your own domain and then your groceries start to get low, your bills get higher the dishes accumulate...ect
He was only supposed to stay until he got a job and got his own place.
Three months later he's still out of work and no car, no money and home.
What do I do?

Answer 1

Well it depends how well you know them. If you can talk frankly with them one approach would be to ask him how the job hunt is going, and how long more does he think he'll be out of work. You could frame this as a concerned friend asking for a progress report, but the message should come through that you want to know "when", not "if".
If he says he doesn't know, or says like 6 months, then you could maybe ask him how he feels about contributing to the "kitty" (that's what I call it, you might know it by some other name) that pays for groceries, elec, rent, etc. Again, you can ask gently, but the message that comes through is still "Give me some money please".
Another thing you could do is ask a mutual friend to have a chat with him, and point out your problems, if that hasn't occurred to him, as it may sound better coming from an outside friend than from you. Better if he respects and listens to that friend, and ideal if that friend also has tact. Maybe a female friend?
Yet another option, but not great, is to find someone else your friend can move on to, but the big problem with this is that you're just moving the problem on, not solving it, and whoever you move this guy on to won't thank you for it, so I don't recommend this option, merely stating it for completeness' sake.
Good luck, and I hope this has been helpful.

Answer 2

I've had more than my share of these folks and it took me a long time to learn that it was not my responsibility to "save" everyone.

You were kind. You gave him a place to stay for a while. At this point he is taking advantage of your kindness. And if it is not intentionally taking advantage it is because he has become too comfortable with the fact that you will rescue him. Time for some tough love.

Let him know that you can no longer support the extra body. Give him a DEFINATE time limit, no more than 2 weeks. Tell him he has to find another place to live. Let him decide how to do that. Tell him you are very sorry but you never intended for him to stay so long and you realize that he did not intend that either but you have to ask him to leave because otherwise you will soon both be homeless.

Now here's the hard part. Stick to your word. Mark the date on the calendar that he is supposed to leave by. Put the calendar where you all can see it. When the date comes, if he is not gone, ask if he needs a ride to his new residence. If he has any excuses you are going to have to be very strong and ask if he needs a ride to the closest shelter.

I know that sounds harsh but if you don't he WILL stay forever or until you move. I know you are thinking, "no my friend isn't like that, he wouldn't do that". Please trust me when I say, if he did not respect your request and your date, he will simply continue with this behaviour.

Good luck.

Answer 3

We had a similar situation a while back. A friend of my husbands and his girlfriend were in the States from New Zealand - for a short visit. He had a grandfather in town - and they were supposed to stay with him, but they weren't able to get aong and ended up on our doorsteps. The stay was supposed to be overnight but ended up being many weeks. Eventually, we had to sit them down and explain that we just couldn't keep supporting them. They were breaking some household rules. They needed to either assist with board and stop breaking the rules or go back to live with Grandpa (or go back home to New Zealand). The boy got a job and began to help out, but it didn't last long. They continued to do what they pleased and ignore my rules so we had to ask them to leave.

Answer 4

It's time to have a little talk. Explain that you don't mind helping him out, but now it is becoming a burden to pay all of the bills and to support him. Offer to help him to make other arrangements, but be firm in the way that it must come to an end. After all, it sounds like he got a little too comfortable being dependent on you.

Answer 5

Generally it's a mistake to do this type of thing for someone. People NEED to be in a situation whereby they are forced to take care of their own affairs. It's just human nature to take advantage of a situation, and that's what's happening here. Legally, you really have to give him 30 days notice. You can't let someone live with you and then just kick them out. Give him one month, with a specific date, and if he has anything going for him he can be gone in that time. There are jobs EVERYWHERE.

Answer 6

You give him a certain amount of time to move ahead. 3 months is too much time. It's not that hard to find a job even if he has to take a fast-food position. He's not trying hard enough to help himself so why should you help him any longer. Talk with him and give him some motivation to make that change for his own good and yours too.

Answer 7

You need to just be direct and say, "I'm really sorry it's come to this, but by next weekend, you're going to have to leave." Don't make a huge deal, no crying, no loudness, no long drawn out explanation - just keep it short and simple. I've been in the exact same situation before - so I feel your pain!

Answer 8

the answer to that question is so complex... while you hate to kick someone out, you have to survive and pay your bills.... there are shelters that help people get on thier feet.... if the person is really trying then try and help as much as you can without going broke, but also know that if you have to put them out there are places for them to go.

Answer 9

Tell him it is time to go. The person needs to really be making the dweling a better place and trying or no use in you trying to help.