Does my empathy for my husband's loss of his dog ring true?

Question

The Memory of Snow
(For Michael and Alex)

I. The Snow Teacher

“Yes,” Snow whispers,
“I remember . . .
The Language of Her
Cautiously
Confide fear to me
With question steps
‘Til each one leapt
Then echoed
Buoyantly

And the Little Girl
Learned
To swim In me
Like a Black Swan.”

“Yes,” Snow whispers,
“I remember That One.”

II. The Fisher Boy

Within His dream
He prays He dreams.

But His heart

Alone

Discerns

The truth is true . . .
Awake, asleep.
A candle-like
Memory
Burns.

He casts His eyes
Across the ripples of
Her body’s wake through time . . .

Not yet to infinity
Not yet as glass
This pattern a perfect mime . . .
His cast
A perfect line . . .
For reeling memories.

III. The Snow Boy

“Yes,” Snow whispers,
“I remember . . .
The Language of You
Traipsing paths across my face
Calling for Her
Creating a place
Where you
Believed
There could be love . . .

You were
Eager to love . . .
. . . More, to be loved, deeply
In those first, real
Steps of boy-youth . . . those steps
Earlier
Frozen away . . .
By blizzard.”

“Yes,” Snow whispers,
“I remember
The Language of You.”

IV. The Snow Man

He looks for Her steps
In Snow’s memory
Like returning to sleep
To finish his dream . . .

. . . Tears well in his eye-ponds
Like tadpoles
To sand
They drop to the snow
And he sees as a man.

V. The Beginning

Fisher boy
Casting . . .

Snow boy
Dreaming . . .

Snow man
Awakened
To what is true . . .

You loved.

You were loved.

“Yes,” Snow whispers,
“Now this is the Language of You.”

Margot
January 14, 2001

Todd, we have the same favorite lines of the entire poem. I really appreciated the time you took to read and comment on my poem. Thank you. M

Marian, So nice to hear from you again. I think we are kindred spirits and I enjoyed reading your thoughts about how the poem connected, as well as how we both connected through our canine companions. M

Earth Angel, often the problem is with the writer, not the reader. Just because you don't get something doesn't mean you're dumb. I do have to admit to being intrigued because you still say you liked it. Some of the poem reached you on some level. I wish I knew which parts...add detail on that if you like. Thank you. M

Snow is the narrator.

Salene, thank you. I wrote this poem, for the most part, over a period of several hours (3, 4, maybe 5?) during which I was pretty much emotionally overwhelmed. For me those are often the times when I don't know where the words come from...I am something like a medium. Once I was satisfied with the skeleton of the poem and some of the flesh that was on it, I played with it off and on for a day or so, but the main work had been done. I think you are right. It could be better. And maybe if the audience was the public at large, I would have worked it to death. But this was for my husband Michael, about his attachment to his dog, Alex. Nobody else. And I wanted to get it down while the dog's prints were still on the snow in the back yard...so that Snow could infuse her memory into me.

Todd, I so much appreciate how you connected to this poem. To read your words encouraged me that it is not as obtuse as I thought it might seem. I continue to watch what you write, as well.

Answer 1

Okay...I'm ready to be unpopular I guess. Your poem has some very, very powerful lines. There are a few that are full to the brim with emotion. Your use of line breaks and pause are experienced. However (there's always a "however, isn't there?), there are words used that don't appear to fit well, others that are used to little or no affect, and there is a lack of background to the listener.
This doesn't mean that you need to beat the listener over the head or state the obvious, but the poem simply needs work...too much to go into great detail here. Your use of sections and the conclusion tying them all together is wonderful and is used to good effect, I could feel the empathy there, but based on what you appear to have in your repertoire, I'd be willing to guess you not only could do better, but probably much better and you know it. Tighten it up, fill in at least some of the gaps so there is less ambiguity, keep the same form and you'll have a very, very good poem.
Like any critique, my opinion is mine alone and I'm clearly in the minority...but I'd rather tell you what I see and have you improve, than tell you how great it was when I sense it could be much better.

Answer 2

Yes you show empathy for your husbands loss in the presentation of The Snow Teacher.

Your understanding and timing are presented most effectively.
I believe that Todd answered beautifully saying all the things I would say to you.

Margot, I enjoy your compositions very much. This empathy rings true! I felt as though you were speaking to me of my own dog Ruff. Memories of him and our adventures together seem to whisper often, bringing the love we shared. Your expression as the language of Snow, then the language of you, tells very effectively the impact of the love shared. Though my Ruff has moved on... he will remain a vital part of me.
Thank you for writing this poem.

Answer 3

Hello Margot,

I think it does that was a really beautiful poem. Your images, line breaks, pacing...all of it was so very well done.

There's too much here to point out everything that worked for me. The entire piece worked so effectively. The whispering and remembering worked. The black swan sequence was a beautiful image. The following was probably my favorite part of the poem:

. . . Tears well in his eye-ponds
Like tadpoles
To sand
They drop to the snow
And he sees as a man.

You have a distinct command of language. This read as a vivid professional piece. I appreciated you sharing it.

Thank you.

Answer 4

I loved the entire thing. It connected so wel with each little piece you added tp it. It only question I have is how long did it take you to come up with such a beautiful poem. I wonder how great it could become if you took more time with it even though it is already so beautiful.

Answer 5

Yes, this shows a great empathy for your husband's loss. It rings on high, my friend. You are a great poet : ) I really enjoyed reading it; thank you for sharing!! It did make me sad, but it also remembered the good times for you and your husband. It brought into my mind my doggies and kitties that have past!

Answer 6

did you write this? I love poetry like this. Maybe you could reach me one time and probably tell me about you and your poetry.

Answer 7

it is rather abstruse--and is snow the dog's name?
good use of diction here, but i still can't fit it together.

Answer 8

i feel really dumb now.... i didnt get it..... oh well. it was good. i may not understand any of it but i liked it! keep it up. lol

Answer 9

k

Answer 10

Very very very nice.