Trusting Men?

Question

I recently read a book called "The Natural History of Rape" which proposes that men are predisposed to rape women because it is part of an evolutionary adaption for males to try to procreate with as many women as possible, even by force. As much as this theory hurts me as a victim, what I found most upsetting was how many men I know who, not only agreed with it, but also admitted to me that if they could force a woman to have sex and not get caught, they would probably do it. These men were insensitive jerks either. Most of them were regular guys just being honest about an aspect of male sexuality. But as a victim it makes me feel hateful towards all men and mistrustful of any motives they may have. I know I will never let myself be open to man but this commits me to a life of being eternally alone. Does anyone have any advice on how to recover from being a victim of a rape, how to regain your sense of trust and faith in humanity while also facing the ugly truth?

Answer 1

Hi,
First off, let me express my empathy with every woman who has been raped. I have played the victim role several times in my life, and amongst the perpetrators were husband or other trusted boyfriends.
As I see it now, the burden of responsibility for my own health and welfare lies squarely on MY shoulders.
I have learned to not try and argue with someone else's justifications or explanations. Rather, I have learned to set boundaries.
Also, I have come away with a gem of understanding the nature of trust - what it means and what it does not mean:
Example: I trust in gravity to hold my body on this planet. I also trust it to kill me should I allow myself to fall from a great height.
I trust in communication, but I trust more my instincts and observations of my environment:
If a man tells me that he thinks rape is justified because of his 'male nature', that is NOT a male I would spend time with alone.
By the same token, I inherently trust anybody, male or female, to be friendly until they show me the FIRST sign of caution:
Example: Justifying violent behavior 'because of their nature'.

Hate and mistrust hurt me more than the people I judge. Therefore, I do not hate or mistrust on principle. I do set boundaries, and if ONE of my boundaries is challenged, I expect others to be as well. At this point, I become cautious. I might set backup plans in motion or stop dealing with that person altogether.
It's a funny thing about humanity and camels, let me explain:
We have all heard about the 'straw that broke the camel's back".
A camel in itself is a very useful and trustworthy animal. She can carry your load across a desert and provide you with transportation where other weight-bearing animals would fail. She is also a very opinionated animal and is likely to remember any insult to her Being, and take vengeful action.
This is a camel. Take it or leave it, but don't try to make it into something else.
A human is someone who has his or her own agenda, can be communicated with, can be trusted with a lot of issues. A human also has limitations in performance. Some will never rise above pre-conceived notions or inherited beliefs. Some will excel in creativity but lack in relationship savvy.
That is a human. Take it or leave it, but don't try to change it into a 'God'.
Trust begins with trusting YOURSELF to know what you want and what you don't want. Rape is apparently what you don't want.
Rape begins much earlier than the act of rape. It begins with a disrespect of your person, your values, your decisions.
As an adult, you CAN make decisions about all these and OWN your territory - to the point of defending it.
Defending your territory begins with the word "NO". Don't say 'YES', or even "MAYBE" when you FEEL "NO".
Then insist that those who are allowed into YOUR space respect your space, just like you would ask people to use certain manners within your house.
Be your own best friend. Allow yourself any and all pleasure you can create for yourself, and don't worry about social or peer judgment. Being independent contributes to the ability to choose: to say "NO" when you mean it and "YES" when you mean that.
Finally, divorce yourself from the notion that only ONE person should be able to fulfill all your needs for: sex, companionship, intellectual sharing, fun, responsible family planning, security.
Face the ugly past which does not have to be an ugly truth in your presence. Forgive, but don't forget the lessons in boundary setting you have learned.
Then trust the camel to be a camel. Gravity to be gravity. Humans to be humans. Yourself to be yourself.

Answer 2

I have never read the book but I now intend to. I too am a victim and I understand a lot of what you are feeling but I took almost the exact opposite road that you did and I opened up to many men in hopes that I could face my fears and eventually "water-down" the hateful feelings and memories. Definitely not telling you to do what I did, but when I first went to counseling for my situation the counselor acted like I was lying about the rape when I was a teen and tried to force me to believe that one of my mothers boyfriends had messed with me. I knew this wasn't right so I only went to the one counseling session and never went back. I hope you find some help because it will be 10 years on October 17th and I still have a hard time dealing with it knowing I let him get away with it because I was too ashamed to tell anybody but my best friend. BTW he was one of my parents friends and I still have to face him all the time at work because he got a job at the same factory where I work and the economy in my Town has caused all of the other factories to shutdown and there is really no other place where I can work and my ex husband has me in debt up to my eyeballs so I can't just quit and take less money

Answer 3

Wow!! Maybe you're asking the wrong guy's, and quite possibly reading the wrong books, as to their take on it. Any man who forces his way is not being respectful, nor honorable. I will say that men do, I believe, by God's creation, have a very strong sex drive. However, we as humans know right from wrong, and hurting another person is definitaly wrong. While I could never force my way on a person (it totally turns me off), having a committed shared relationship with someone is what it is all about. I hope you can someday find such a person. In the mean time, if you know of a good counselor, (some are stupid, that is why I say good), or a trusted clergy, maybe you can get some help there. Remember, what happened is not your fault, but where you go from here, is totally in your hands.
Good luck.

Answer 4

I believe that as human beings men are not much different than women. Perhaps there is an appetite for sex in men similar to a hunger you may have for food or something else. If you are hungry then you really want to eat, but that does not mean you will forget all your feelings and conscience, and I believe the same is true for men. Those men who told you that they would rape a woman if they would not get caught were not such good guys. I think a lot of men would not do it. I think you should rethink this truth and realize that it is not really true. A humane man would choose not to victimize a woman.

Answer 5

It sounds like you need a better class of people to associate with--I think the willingness to force sex on somebody is a textbook definition of "insensitive jerk," and I'm horrified that you are accepting a desire to harm women as "an aspect of male sexuality." Males across many species have a number of strategies to satisfy the mating urge. Some get nominated to the "pack leader" position by the females themselves based on their ability to provide and protect for the social group; other animals, such as whales, actually do form "rape gangs." Our closest relatives have sex lives as complicated as ours, with long- and short-term bonds, cheating, and, yes, rape. That urge is out there, but not in everybody. My own advice is to accept the lesson your own rape taught you and look out for yourself--but don't let cynicism and suspicion poison your ability to appreciate the good in the human race. Also, I think you'll have an easier time healing if you read beyond the few theories that pander to your present emotional state--all that does is keep you scared, suspicious, and bitter.

Answer 6

Pam--being a man all I can do is apologize to you for the act(s) of man. I cannot in any way shape or form give you the Porverbial " I know what you're going through" That is trite and insensitive and something you don't need to hear from a man. Let me say this, though. I was brought up with old fashioned values. Being born in the mid 40's things perhaps were different. The biggest sin in our family of 7 was for me or my brother to hit a women let alone a sister. We were brought up to respect women and as I and my brother have always adhered to that principal. What happened to you seems to be the norm and I cannot make any excuses other than to sympathize with your need for answers. I'm sure they're out there. But who are you willing to listen to, is the question? Please, get to know who you're meeting or dating should you get to that point again and take many precautions as humanly possible. Sincerally--mudmud1

Answer 7

Successful recovery from trauma such as rape usually requires psychotherapy with a trusted professional. If you feel uncomfortable with men, you probably should see a woman. www.psychologytoday.com is a good resource toward finding a therapist in your area.

Although many men may say they would commit rapes if they could get away with it, most men do not rape. Many women would probably also commit violent crimes, if they could get away with it with no consequences. But in reality, actions do have consequences.

I believe that many women who have sexual trauma in their histories benefit from a period of staying away from men and spending most of their time with trusted women. This is usually a process that eventually resolves in being more comfortable around both sexes. However feminist and separatist communities provide a valuable resource for those who are not yet ready to be around those of the same sex as the individual who perpretated the abuse or rape.

Answer 8

In the first place, the book is a feminist publication that is based upon the Feminist Agenda.

Secondly, there is a small percentage of men that are trustworthy, and you have to be very careful. I do agree that they're rare today, and that's what I would tell my daughter.

I really don't believe that all men are predisposed to rape women. That is feminist propaganda. I tell you that if it was not for liberalism within the culture that has harmed manhood, at least 50 per cent of men would be very decent.

Answer 9

I don't know, but the men I know personally will not do that. Maybe you just asked the wrong ones, but men who are really men will not force a lady to make sex.

I don't agree with that book either. Maybe for an animal this predisposition maybe true, but for humans this may not be the rule. We as humans have the will and the ability to make choices. A human male who is altered mentally will be doing what an animal will do, but a man who is mentally healthy will not do it.

So, it is normal for you as a victim to feel rage and hate against human males, but remember that you are still healing and in some time of your life you may find the true man who will love you and whom you will give all your trust.

Don't hate men just because one of them hurt you... remember that you are in a process of healing.

Answer 10

I'm sorry to hear that. i would say that you should talk to some one. not being rude or anything. but i herd when people get rape some go to counseling or to a therapist and it help them. if you believe in a second change you would give almost ever one a second change. just try it. don't keep telling your self ever man out there is mean and thinks that. there are some men that don't think about that. just remember that when life gets tough you have to be tough back. i don't know if you understand that saying but it make since to me.
i wish you the best of luck
you can e-mail me if you think that will help you in any way.