what to do with my 10 year old daughter?

Question

My daughter is10 years old and now that her no good a** father is trying to come around her whole attitude is changing. He have not been around since she was 1 year of age and now he tries to come get her on the weekend to make his self look good for his weak a** girlfriends. When she comes home from staying with him she is mad and say thing like I hate this house and I want to live with my father, who just started see her. She acts as if I was not the one with her every day of her life. She also tells me that him and his girlfriend talks bad about all five of his babies-mothers and yes, he have five baby-mothers. My daughter is the first. I never really had a father so I know how it feels to want to be around your father for a chance. However, ever since she was 10 months old her stepfather has always treated her as if she was his child, so I really do not understand what is going on. Please help!

Answer 1

Basically what is happening is she is starting to relate with her bio-father. All kids want to relate to their parents in some way (even if they are bad parents). Since she is 10, she is also very impressionable (especially by parents) and as a child she will be fascinated by the new & the unusual (like a parent who is a different gender and she has rarely seen before). The result of all this is that she is fascinated by him, copying his attitudes and saying hurtful things to you because he wants her to.

Your best defense is to be calm with her, do not get upset, but do explain to her (when you can get her to listen) that her bio-parent has not been around for several years, that she should listen to both of her parents, and that she is hurting you very much when she says these things that she learns from him. Show her your true feelings and let her see how much she is hurting you. Then ask her politely not to do that, because it hurts you. Kids usually like it when adults start to treat them more grown up and show them the truth. Also when she is listening, get her to talk about what he & she do and talk about when they visit. If you can build up some good communication with her, then you can tell her (gently!!) about the history between you & him. You may have to be extra nice for awhile, but eventually as your actions will speak much more than words she will notice your love and caring and then start to re-evaluate which parent really cares for her more.

Do not fight anger with anger or hurtful words with more hurtful words. Be a caring mother... that ALWAYS wins in the end.

Answer 2

well let me tell you babe kids always think the grass is greener on the other side--he hasnt taken part in the hardest part of raising her and has no real clue about your daughter at all---your daughter only sees the best of her father because he only has to tolerate her and she him for the weekend--thats easy to be a good parent for a weekend 2 times a month--now if you were the absent parent she would want to be with you--whoever you are not with full time is the one that is the nicest because they arent doing the disciplining and correcting of behaviors and all the hard things that come with parenting--i called my kids bluff and told them to go and live with him for a couple weeks and try it out lol and they were home in a week and very thankful they didnt live there all the time--if he isnt paying you child support i would tell her and him both that if the attitude doesnt stop when she comes home after a weekend of being there with him --the visits will stop--she never needed him before now and apparently he never needed her til now or maybe now just to show off, but the moods would stop or the visits would one or the other--if he does pay support then i would tell him of the problem and he could either help stop it or i just wouldnt answer the phone for visits until he makes an effort to nip this attitude---but i do know exactly where you are coming from--you raise kids for years and then someone tiptoes in and trys to be the good guy--no way--dont let that happen--just remember whats happening is that a kid always wants something they cant have or do and living with him for her isnt an option and i would make that very clear to her--i hope this helps you out a little bit and good luck~

Answer 3

stuff like this is complicated. i no it seems like ur getting the short end of the stick, but i'm sure ur daughter doesn't mean all that she says. being ten is a confusing time for any kid (it really isn't too far behind me). she's probably tricking herself into thinking that her father will give her a better life than u have. plz don't bring up the fact that her left her and you and that painful stuff, because it will probably hurt her more and make her defend her father. since he is new in her life he has to live up to all the dreams and expectations she may have had of him, no matter how far-fetched they are from the truth. soon she will realize who really cares for her and who is using her.

try not to hold her back from seeing her blood father. the more u try to hold her back the more she will want to rebell. u do need to set some ground rules, like that she still needs to respect u and most definately her loving stepfather who seems to be more her father than the "real thing." feelings are easily damaged, you know? let her know exactly how u feel but try ur hardest never to yell or say things that u will regret in a tone that will hurt or put ur daughter on the defensive. show her that u care and that her stepfather cares. don't accuse her. instead say how much it hurts u that she's acting this way and how much it's hurting u. ("It scares me that you....," "It hurts me when you...") don't worry, she'll come around as long as u are always there for her. :)

Answer 4

This happens a lot.
A child will always miss their father whether they know him or not. They miss that love from the missing parent. If the parent shows up in their life they try to make up for all the time they lost. If she is 10, she has been thinking about this time for as long as she can remember (at 4).
Her attitude will change because in her mind she will blame you for him not being a big part of her life. And you dont really know what he tells her. He will stand up for him and even make excuses.

But once she knows what he is really like, she will gravitate back towards you. Never put him down. Never force her to do anything unless it concerns her safety. Keep your firm rules and make her abide by them. But give her slack and a longer leash until she does something that breaks your trust so that you have to pull it back in.
She will be comparing you to him. It is natural. Make sure you show her love, respect, but also dicipline. Right now he is NEW. She is seeing all the things she missed with him and so your home and surroundings dont look as appealing.

Let her find out on her own that things are not so Rosy over at his home. He is trying to swoon her right now but it will not last. I would allow her time to see him and take her weekends. If you stop that she will turn on you and feel you are taking her father away and you are the bad one in the former relationship. Kids never understand divorce at this age. They thing one parent is to blame or they are somehow to blame.
Show her much love. Talk to her. Explain that just because you are not married to him does not mean that he is not her father. Explain that you want her to love both of her parents but you also want her respect. You raised her because you love her.
Communication means everything.

Answer 5

I'm so sorry ... I hope she knows everything u have done for her. This is my biggest fear that my son will do this to me. As long as u know u and her step-father have done everything u can for her...try to take some comfort in that. Hopefully she will see when she is older the real picture. If she is a mature 10 yr old that understands her dad has not been there for 10yrs try to talk to her. I think it's just the fact that after this long he has showed up and it's all a little to much to handle for her. Good Luck & God Bless U & her step-father. The real men who stand up never get enough praise.

Answer 6

Listen, children romanticize the absent parent and cut their teeth on the parent that's there everyday. It's a royal pain in the a s s but they do this (believe it or not) because they trust you not to desert them, and their feelings of abandonment and hurt need somewhere to go. They'll never tell you that (because even they don't know why they do the stuff they do), but it's normal and you can take it as a sign that you've done a fine job for 10 years holding it down.

Answer 7

its okay just talk to ur daughter in a kind matter and tell her u feel. she needs to know that u had her at the hospital and that u will always be there for her, even when her daddy's not. u also need to talk to the father about making u seem like "the bad guy" and if it comes down to it whenever your daughter wants to see her father make a visit at the park or at chukee cheeses for all of you guys to meet together that way u know whats being said.

Answer 8

Sounds to me like her father is putting bad things in her head, maybe he lets her do whatever she wants and she likes that, maybe he is telling her all kinds of bad things about you that aren't true...talk to your daughter about what's going on, communication is the key here, ask her why she changes after coming back and why she's so angry?...also talk to her father ask him how she acts at this house....you really need to get your daughter to open up so you'll unnderstand...

Answer 9

as a exchange of yelling, attempt dropping your voice. this is going to possibly take each little thing you have, in view which you would be offended/disenchanted/and so on., although this is going to catch her interest. toddlers at that age (and ongoing from there) tend to boost truly immediately, and that they'll combat in basic terms for the sake of scuffling with, as a results of fact they choose to be proper and assert themselves as being self sustaining from you. So in case you reside calm, she has much less to construct on. while she will develop her voice, purely permit her comprehend which you're no longer up for it (lower back, in a quiet voice), and walk away. Wait till she cools off in the previous pursuing it, and don't pursue it if this is in basic terms a small ingredient. choose your battles--purely considerable issues particularly than each and daily hassles. She would possibly have self assurance that she hates you, yet once you continuously love her and prepare her that she would be waiting to finally recover from that section and as quickly as lower back have the potential to coach you that she does love you. this is obtainable to love somebody and hate them on the comparable time (i'm a discern--i've got self assurance like that each physique the time approximately my 2 3 hundred and sixty 5 days previous!). persist with your weapons on the truly considerable subject concerns (e.g., her risk-free practices, your center values), and attempt to permit some issues pass. If it makes her sense like she's being self sustaining as a results of fact she gets to do some thing you would be able to dislike (e.g., dying her hair; piercing some thing extremely harmless), it may steer sparkling of a greater physically powerful conflict over some thing greater severe and probably very risky (e.g., going out with an particularly adverse buddy and eating). wish this helps.

Answer 10

Keep her away from the father, I don't know.
That is a rather serious issue, you should consult a counselor over that one.