What should I do? Parent or place the baby for adoption?

Question

I am 19 years old and am a junior at university. My bf of 3 years has become a different person who drink, smokes, partys, and does illegal drugs. I disagree with all of these things and although I hope it’s a phase. We ended our relationship February. Shortly afterwards my mother’s cancer progressed and she passed away this Easter after five strong years of fighting. A week after the funeral I realized that my period was way off. I thought it was stress but I was 3 months pregnant.

I have tried to be responsible with the pregnancy and the baby has been very healthy. I told my ex the day I found out and have informed a few family members that will respect me no matter what choice I make about the future of the baby. I am 6 months along and although I have been doing research and counseling, I can’t seem to decide. Should I parent or place the baby in an adoptive family?

Financially the baby will be well provided for, unfortunately curtsy of the inheritance I just received. My biggest concerns are that the father will be wishy-washy in the child’s life if I decide to parent. My dad is concerned that I will have to become a mother too quickly and miss out on dating and the social life that I have been developing. I plan to finish school which will take two years and will still like to pursue my dream of becoming a lawyer, which is feasible with a baby but difficult. My worst fear is that I jealously want the baby to fit into my life, instead of mine centering on him.

With an (open) adoptive family he’d be well provided for and surrounded by two parents that adore each other as well as him. Counselors have asked me to divide the situation into 3 questions: Whats best for the father: adoption. Whats best for the mother: I adore the baby and would love to raise him and finally; Whats best for the baby?

That’s where I get stuck. So with the info you have on me, my situation, and your own life experiences, what do you think I should do?/what do you think is best for the baby?

Answer 1

As always, the decisions anyone makes, has to belong to
the one who has the problem. But in my book, pregnancies
and babies, can sometimes be a blessing, that comes our
way, when we least expect it, and can be a joy to our lives.
It is my opinion though, that you should keep the baby, and
be as good a mother as you can.
You have a good start, with the college years you've begun,
and you don't have to postpone that, to be a mother.
If you place the child out...to another family, it would never
know you, or it's bloodline, or have any photos of any
importance, of your ancestory.
Sounds like you've done well with the pregnancy, and
you've kept your thinking, very clear, about your situation,
and that is a good sign.
The birth father of the baby is responsible for paying some
amount of child support.
Even though you have your own income, you need to
sign up through the Child Support System, so that the
baby's father can be obligated to assume his part in the
responsibility of the child.
You are eligible for the Wic Program, most likely, which
is a good thing, if you choose to do that.
After carrying that baby for the 9 months, you'll really
enjoy the ''companionship & the sharing of that life'' for the
next 18 years, I'm sure.
Sounds like you have family members who can help you
with childcare too, because they do love you, in that
respect of having family-unity.
For what it's worth, I hope you keep the baby, and share in
it's growth, for you would not want to cheat yourself out of
that ''first experience'' of becoming a mother.
You've had enough losses in your life. Perhaps this baby
is the Blessing You Need to Keep Your Life on the Right
Track. Much Luck, however you decide. Truly, TF

Answer 2

I had my first child when I was barely 17 years old. She is now 36 years old and a beautiful person through and through. i am so proud of her! Because you are having such a difficult time making a decision, I think you very much want to keep your baby. You CAN have your baby fit into your life! That is what having a child is really all about! There are all kinds of single moms in college and holding down good careers. While it may be harder - you can talk to your career counselor about programs available to you to assist you in your pursuing your dream of becoming an attorney. You in fact, would qualify for scholarships and grants that are given specifically to single mothers trying to get through school. Be aware, that if your counselor is a social worker who will be responsible for placing your baby in an adoptive home, he/she may have a preconceived idea that adoption is the best answer. Once you give up your rights, you no longer have any say about how your baby is raised, where your baby lives (what if the "open" adoption parents move out of state for some reason?) or anything else for that matter...and you would always wonder "what if...." Unless you are STRONGLY decisive about giving up your baby and fully understand all that means - my advice would be - don't do it.

Answer 3

You are facing such a difficult choice but I am an advocate of adoption. My husband and I adopted 2 children a year ago, we are 36 and 38 years old and have been married 7 years. We prepared 2 years with training and counseling to adopt and become parents.

All that being said, parenting is absolutely the most difficult job we have taken on. I am a full-time mom, we have a solid, happy marriage and my husband is as much in the trenches of parenting as I am. This is definitely a 2 parent job and we have two pretty well behaved kids!

Providing a stable, two parent home is the most selfless thing you can do. Put your baby's needs before your own and you will have the comfort of knowing you made the best choice possible for your child. Parenting is tough and even more so if you aren't ready for it.

God bless you in your decision and may He guide you to do the best thing for your baby.

Answer 4

I think you are the best option. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a supportive family. Other than asking a question this serious on yahoo answers...lol.. you seem like a reasonable person. Babies are tough, but you are tougher than you think. I don't think you have to give up anything you want to do. School will be a little harder, but not impossible by any means. As far as dating and social stuff. No respectable man would shy away from a woman with a child. You may need to lean on some others (babysitting) to get some you time, but every mom deserves that.
Adopted children always find out they are adopted. I couldn't imagine ever having to go through that as a person. No matter what the first reaction is probably going to be that his/her parents didn't want him/her. Nobody wants to feel that. Besides, you sound like you want to keep the baby. Some people wouldn't be able to live with themselves if they gave up a child for adoption. You have to know if you are strong enough for that as well. It can be just as tough. Babies aren't the end of the world or your life. What ever your decision I wish you and your baby the best.
D

Answer 5

Bottom line is, I don't think you want to give this baby up, therefore doing so will be a big mistake hon. Yu don't feel the support of those who are supposed to be here for you, but if you did I know you wouldn't be here asking this question. The fact that you have thought about all the different scenerios for your babie's life makes you a great mothere already. I know that right now you might see no way out however you put it, but once you look into your babies eyes for the first time you will see how it will all make so much sense. You'll find the strength within yourself, which you do have b/c you were the chosen one to raise your baby. These souls choose their parents before they arrive and you were the chosen one for this little one. Don't change the corse of life... Sorry hon, I just don't think you want to give up your baby. You just won't be able to an you need to stand strong not to let anything or anyone influce in such potentially devastiting life decision

Answer 6

Okay, I have a zillion things I want to say and I'm going to do my best not to jumble it all up. It is completely okay to sit on the fence and not know which way you are going to decide. In fact, the choice for adoption should only be made after the baby has been born and you have time to process what has happened. Childbirth is one crazy time that everything changes. You can speculate all you want before your child is born, but it all comes down to after the birth.

I'm about to make your choices clear as mud. Regardless of if you parent or if you place your child for adoption, you are a mother now. The way of your life was before has changed and it won't go back. There is a book called "Mothershock" that discusses the changes that happen if you decide to parent. Just so you know that one of the biggest myths of adoption concerns picking your life up and continuing on where you left off after placing your child for adoption. While there is a lot of talk about the wonderful act you can do by placing your child with another family, it will not alleviate the grief. That first year after placing is hard. Your body physically will go through the recovery believing your child is dead, even though your thoughts know otherwise. Relinquishment is a traumatic experience even in the best of circumstances. You will not be the same carefree person you were after childbirth regardless of whether you parent or relinquish.

Your child is also impacted by this decision. You have listed above the reason why you are fearful of parenting because of the impact of the circumstances of your lives. By relinquishing, you are giving your child a different set of circumstances that the baby will have to live with. Your child would forever have the effects of adoption is his/her life.
http://library.adoption.com/Parenting-and-Families/Lifelong-Issues-in-Adoption/article/256/1.html
Even in love and good intentions, adoption is founded on loss and that child's loss would be from your actions. That loss affects even the most well-adjusted happy person.

Honor the deliberation process.

1. Form an adoption plan.
2. Form a parenting plan.
3. Decide after your baby is born and the dust has settled.

Here are a few more links to look at if you haven't already:
http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/publications/2007_01_Birthparent_Study_All.pdf
http://www.openadoptioninsight.org/
http://www.singlepregnancy.com/
http://www.girl-mom.com/
http://soulofadoption.com/

Answer 7

If you already adore this baby, once you see him or her you will know that part of your heart has been placed in this little human being! Whether the baby is living with you where you will have control over it's upbringing, or with an adoptive and loving family, that part of your heart will no longer be yours.

Do you want to be a mom? That is the bottom line. No matter what else you can and will accomplish, the mom part comes first. Can you fill that wonderful, frightening and sometimes overwhelming role at this point in your life? If you really and truly don't think you can, then the baby will be better off with parents who can.

I applaud you for thinking this through and trying to make the best decision for you and your child. Listen to your heart and imagine your life both ways. You will make the right decision.

Answer 8

What about an open adoption, one where the adoptive parents include you in the life of the child? This would most certainly require a private adoption. Other than that, if you do go adoption, I would really look into private adoption, because you get to decide the best couple for the baby.

You are you, you do have the means, but are you mature enough? Are you going to be able to miss classes when the baby is sick? Are you ready for cramming for an exam when the baby is teething? Are you ready to basically be a million times more worried about the men you date because they will be around the baby or could abuse the baby?

My honest instinct tells me adoption. I have two children, and tried to work, but they needed me so much more. Give it lots of thought. Make the decision free from emotion. Listen to your rational mind.

Answer 9

First let me say I am sorry for your loss. I understand this is a very difficult time for you having lost your mother.

Take your time and do your research. I strongly urge you to communicate with women who have relinquished children. You have no idea the pain that you may experience in relinquishment. They do.

It sounds like you may be looking for a permanent solution to a temporary problem. The next two years may be difficult while you are raising a child an finishing up school but that will end in two years. Dating may be difficult but still possible. I dated (a lot) and married as a single mother so don't think it impossible.

I'm not trying to talk you out of considering relinquishment I'm just trying to steer you toward researching all aspects of it because I have read many experiences by women and men who have relinquished children because things were extremely difficult at the time of the birth only to have major regrets and life long pain for that decision. Some deal with it well and have no regrets, some struggle with it but still do not regret but some are left broken.

If you do decide to relinquish your child I again urge you to do your research. There are a lot of adoption scammers and unethical so-called-professionals that prey on expectant women who are considering their options. They promise you the moon and tell you what you want to hear so they can make a buck from the adoption of your child.

On the flip side of all those warnings, there are families out there that will welcome an open adoption arrangement and love your child with all their heart. Just be careful and talk with families who have been there before you. They can guide you to ethical people who can walk you through this.


And about that boyfriend. Don't count on him. If he steps up then great. It will be a nice addition to your child's life but don't feel that you or your child needs him. Many single women choose to parent and go on to lead very successful lives. Since you do not have financial issues then you have a leg up on them.

Answer 10

I first want to say that I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer two years ago and I still have good & bad days. I pray that God will watch over you and you help you through your situation.
As far as adoption goes, I can tell you that I was adopted as a child and it was certainly the best decision my birthmom ever made for me and herself. She was very young as well and made the choice and I respect her for that. I have a very loving relationship with her and she has always been a strong part of my life. Now, my husband and I are waiting to adopt (due to medical reasons) so for me adoption is a positive thing.
I know you say that financially you can care for a child but how about emotionally? That's something that really you can only answer. You probably already know in your heart what is best and right now your mind is wrestling with the decision. It's really only one that you can decide dear!
I can honestly say that an open adoption can be such a wonderful thing and still allow you to be a part in your child's life. I hope God watches over you and your little one and that you find peace with your decision--whatever that may be.
May God bless you today & everyday