Wedding Problems?

Question

My boyfriend of 5 years and I are getting married. Everything was all great we have the date picked out and everything Now comes time to start paying for things for the wedding. and thats where the problems come in

we have had arguments in the past about the wedding and he believes my parents should be paying, as it is tradition, but being chinese and in chinese tradition the guy's side pays, my parents already told me they aren't paying, they'll give me some money to help out but the rest is on my and my groom. I don't make that much money (being a school psychologist) and he makes twice as much as me. I suggested we split costs, I'll pay half he'll pay half. He agreed, after a while. But now his parents are up in a roar over it, saying that I should pay for the wedding since it's "tradition." I really don't think that's being fair. I have a feeling they don't like me they keep telling him that I'm ruining tradition.he's white Im chinese different traditions! I don't know what to do.

I originally was going to save money by asking if we could use their backyard (with is huge!) but now I'm afraid to because of the whole paying thing.

And what's worse, he's going to half more than 80 percent of his side there (he's italian) and I'll only have a few as most family is still overseas and cant afford to come. urgh so frustrating.

We have ourselves already financially steady. We have our own bank accounts and a joint one where we put money in for bills and such.

Answer 1

well, if you are getting married, it is going to be both of yours money (if that makes sense). so when you say you are paying of him, you mean you yourself, not your family right? if i am assuming right, his money will become yours when you are married and vice versa.

a wedding is when two people come together and create one unit. both sides have to compromise on issues and respect each other's beliefs. money is always a big issue, perhaps you need to sit down and talk about how to spend money before you two get married.

Answer 2

This does not sound like the best situation and if anything it could mean an ugly divorce in the future just with the type of people you are explaining! It is definitely not a good idea to rush into things and a great idea to cancel the wedding plans or at least keep the wedding planner on hold. That is the 1st option you have if in fact you care about including everybody in the wedding. Another option is to cancel a family wedding and go out to Vegas or somewhere and stay low key. A lot of people do this because they don't want an expensive wedding, sometimes they don't want their families fighting over the wedding, and it's also a great place for everybody to enjoy. Some people even honeymoon out in Vegas. Anyways they are the two ideas i thought of for now. If anything else pops up i will let you know. Good luck!

Answer 3

The tradition has been broken for a while now and they need to realize that these days most couples are paying for their own weddings with some help from their parents if they're lucky. A girl's parents can no longer afford to foot the whole bill like they did years ago. It's not fair and if he's having a problem splitting the cost you may want to reconsider the marriage as he should be happy to do this. Best of Luck!

Answer 4

If your fiance really does love you he would tell his parents that it is the year 2007 and it would be fare to everyone if each parents and you&your fiance all split the cost equally. Since both side have different traditions on who pays it makes sense to split costs. That is what me and my fiance are doing. Tradition is important but when both sides have different tradition what else can you do but come to a middle ground. You said that his parents don't want to pay for the wedding at all. Tell him to talk to his parents one more time. If they still don't want to pay for the wedding at all then you will have to pay for it and your parents will put in some. And since you and your parents will be paying for the wedding then you can cut down the guest list to how ever many guests you can afford. If his parents complain so be it. They didn't want to put any money in for the wedding so some of their friends or family might not be invited. Hope you understood all of that. Hope everything works out for you. And hopefully his parents come around and if they do love their son and want him to be happy then they would put a little bit of money in to be fare.

Answer 5

please, please, please DON'T over due it and spend too much - starting your marriage in a huge amount of debt will make the marriage ever harder - so now that i have said that. My hubby and i just married in April. My parents gave us $1,000 and his gave us $10,000 and we fought quite a bit about how my parents didn't give anything next to what his did. We argued about how much to spend on pretty much everything cuz he thought it was wrong that his parents contributed so much when mine did not. In the end we ended up spending ever penny of it - we had a Disney wedding in Florida. Anyway, screw tradition, pay for the wedding with the money you have and do it the way you want to, dont let them tell you that your parents HAVE to pay for it cuz of tradition, that's crap, too many people are hung up on tradition when it suits them. Remember this is your and your hubby-to-be's day and you need to do it your way, not the way you are told it "should" be. Try talking to your fiance and telling him how stressful this all is on you and maybe just take whatever money you have coming from both sides and then leaving them out of the planning. Tell them that you need to do this a way you are comfy with. Good luck to you, wedding planning is hard enough without the stuff you are going thru!

Answer 6

Pay for your wedding, and have a smaller wedding than planned. Don't do anything more with his relatives, those whom really want to attend can, the rest can see the photographs. Don't fret or fight.
Agree on a top price you can afford on your own, and set this as the limit to work with. If he wants to contribute, make sure he contributes to Italian things, as you don't want too much Italian relatives into your ethnic Chinese wedding they already are in an uproar about. His contributions can cover a band for Italian music if he wants one, an additional table for those added Italian relatives. Anything he wants to contribute to, don't request a thing.
if it was 50/50 what has changed. I would keep my own bank account, before his Italian relatives run you over.

Answer 7

I hate following "traditions" it's yours and your future spouse's wedding so why not pay for your own. That seems fair- get a resonable budget set and do what you want to do.. If "tradition" states (blah, blah) and your parents don't like it, just tell them we're not following A or B tradition.. If both sets of parents want to chip in a set amount be gracious and accept, but in being fair do whatever it is that you both want for your special day... In this day and age it's unfair in any tradition to expect one families side or the other to pay in full for a wedding.... Good luck you'll need it...

Answer 8

You need to rethink this whole wedding things. You have fundamental differences when it comes to finances. Financially reasons are why most divorces happen. Seriously you need to talk about this. Neither set of parents should be paying for your wedding. If your old enough to get married, your old enough to pay for it. He should definitely be contributing to his own wedding. Did he forget that it's his wedding too. He should especially be paying for it if 80% of guest list is his family. I can't stress enough here that you have big problems and shouldn't get married until you work them out.

Answer 9

This might not be a solution you LIKE, but I think it will work. Have a very small, very private wedding, at your own expense. How small and how private will depend on how much you are willing to spend. If, at some later date, if either set of parents want to host some sort of party to celebrate your marriage, to introduce the new couple to their relatives and friends, graciously allow them to do so -- at their own expense.

Anything else, and either your parents or your in-laws are going be angry and offended. You do not want to start your married life by pissing off either set of parents.

Answer 10

Then pay for your wedding yourselves if you are financially steady, and who cares what anyone else thinks. If he's not willing to do that, you shouldn't be with him. If you can't afford your wedding, have a cheaper wedding, and yes, it IS possible to have a wedding under $1,000. Mine was $400 at the most.