What's wrong with me?

Question

This may be confusing but I'll try to get it out as best as I can..

I was with a man over a duration of 4+ years. During that time he cheated. I haven't seen him for a few months - he's going to be in jail for a while and I'm upset because I'm not sure if I'm going to see him again.. When he and I split up in 2005 for about a year I dated another man for about 3 months.. I started to see this other man again as friends and hanging out together.. Well we were going to hook up last night but I couldn't do it.. I pushed him off of me and said "I can't do this.." I felt like I hurt his feelings or something.. I don't know what's wrong with me.. He just got up and left after that.. I don't know what to do! I can't get over the man I was with for 4 years.. Has this happened to any of you guys or girls before? Not being able to get intimate with someone because you were still in love?

Please don't call me any names or accuse me of being something I'm not.. I'm not a whore, I don't sleep around.

I wasn't trying to hurt him, turn him aweay, make him feel terrible, or anything like that.. I was trying to move on and stuff.. I just totally blew it..

Thanks for all the support, guys.. Means a lot to me to hear some decent words for once!

And 1st answerer.. People go to jail for DUI's.. Please don't generalize the man I was with. I didn't ask for your opinion on him.

Answer 1

Hey, you're not a whore; you're simply a woman in love with someone. Please understand this: If we could figure out why we're attracted to a certain individual, life would definitely be much easier for us all. Hormones are definitely the most confounding things I've ever come across, so I know just what you are going through....

I know some EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL WOMEN (you would even know them if I put their names down), and I am still smitten by a woman who wasn't really that overly beautiful, but due to her personality, the way she carries herself, etc, she truly had me wrapped around her finger - even though we broke up several years ago, and she has done some pretty nasty things to not only me but others. I guess you could say I hate her guts, but I could run into her today, and she could flit an eyelash at me and smile, and I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE UNDER HER SPELL. Do I understand what you're going through? Do birds fly?

Anyway, this is what I learned: It's best to avoid situations where all there is to do is wait and wish. It really isn't any healthier for you to sit around and wait and wish for a guy who is in prison and cheated on you to straighten up his act any more than it is for me to sit around and wait and wish for my particular lady to grow up and treat people like they should be treated. It was a hard lesson, but I realized I had to learn it.

Another thing, and it has to do with priorities: Do you know some available guys who MIGHT NOT END UP GETTING YOU IN TROUBLE for hanging around them like an ex prisoner might do given the right circumstances? Though I know that's a tough way to look at your guy, the facts point to the possibility that you might have to make a cut-and-dried decision based on criteria just like that - just so you can get over him and move on at long last. I know it helped me when I realized this particular lady might do something hurtful to my loved ones (I've been divorced over fifteen years with four grown kids and five grandchildren and would rather die than see any of them hurt), but it is those types of thoughts (call them rationalizations if you want) - that helped me get through the rough spots and on with my life.

I know better than most that in a situation like this, no one can tell you what to do, because you're the one affected by your emotions. I can, however, advise you to try to find your own triggers that will help you release some of your thoughts so you can either wait until this guy in prison gets out and not go nuts in the meantime, or learn to get over him and move on.

On that topic let me ask this: Do you really want to wait around for a guy who has proven he can end up getting in enough trouble that you may never see him again except on visiting days? Or do you want to find a guy with whom you can sit and watch a show, go on vacation, or with whom you could make love whenever you want? You really need to look at your situation with those kind of thoughts in mind so you can make the best decision for yourself - as difficult as it is.

I know that is a pretty matter-of-fact way of looking at your situation, but like I said, I had to become matter-of-fact with my expectations concerning my lady. After a good, long bit of soul searching, I realized that I would never truly get over her, but at the same time realized it is unrealistic to truly believe I had enough in common with her to make it work for the length of a lifetime. I was then able to let go.

Hey, I know it's tough, but you have to ask yourself tough questions or you will be this guy's doormat for the rest of your life. That would be bad enough if he was with you, but even worse, I would believe, if he is incarcerated...

Best of luck! I hope that whatever you decide, you end up happy!
KES :-)

Answer 2

Honey, you were with a guy for over 4 yrs not married to you.That does not make you look "virtuous" by any means to other folks.The thing that bothers me is this, he cheated on you and now is facing jail time and you are PINING AWAY over this piece of trash?Come on !He did you a favor.Now if you have to, go to counseling and GET OVER this guy.Why do you WANT a guy who is going to treat you badly?He may have been super good looking and great in bed.However it is a package deal, with all the above you get the cheating and illegal activities.Find someone else you connect with.There ARE other men out there, and no relationship beats a BAD one hands down every time!

Answer 3

There's nothing wrong with you, its fairly common. You have a lot of memories with the ex, and a familiarity you are comfortable with. I would never call you a slut, far from it. You gave your heart and soul to him, even though he hurt you deeply, its hard to let go all the positive. But you have to focus more on remembering that he did in fact cheat on you, and once a cheater, always a cheater, and not on just the positive memories. I did go through this myself, in fact, I felt like I was the one about to cheat, when the chance of a hookup came around (that I couldnt follow thru on) even tho my ex and I hadnt been together in 3 years!
I got over it finally... Met someone who took my heart and put it on a pedestal and havent looked back since...

Answer 4

First of all, you need to NOT be having sex with ANYONE until you find a MAN (not a male who happens to be of legal age but acts like a 12 year old) who loves you and RESPECTS you enough to offer you his hand in marriage, along with his love, heart, home, support, and name.

Secondly, why ANY woman with any tiny amount of self respect would want to date someone who has to go to jail is beyond me.

You need to get away from men and get some counseling and do something about your self esteem, and find your own life. THEN maybe you will find someone worth dating.

Answer 5

I had that experience before and the feeling lasted for years 'til someone special came along. I am not saying that you need to wait years for it to fade but it really depends on finding or meeting the right person to do the job. Goodluck!

Answer 6

Sometimes emotional ties are hard to break. Maybe you are just tied up in what is going on, and need time to work through what you want. you are going to have to let go though to move on. It's either that or face the fact you want to be with the ex and be willing to accept the problems that you will face.

Answer 7

Hey there's nothing wrong with you still being in love with him. It was over 4 yrs for *** sake. It's understandable for you to feel concerned if you're ever going to see him again because you love him. and maybe you should explain this to that guy you hurt. maybe if he's grown up enough he'll understand .

Answer 8

Bombastic, Congradulations your first love was a tue love !You will learn to be alone ! Some day you may meet the one you were meant to be with and the past will just be gone ! I thought I did but she was just playing with my mind ! I pray that God blesses you !

Answer 9

you aren't a whore or whatever, you can do what you want, but this guy isn't trustworthy, he's going to jail, and he cheated on you! do you really want to keep getting hurt?! don't replace him just because but take it easy.

Answer 10

your gut feelings made your decision for you at the last second and gut feelings are never wrong! a real man would understand... they may not like it but they understand.