Our kids 10,11,12yrs. Other kids are 23, 21, 20-girls by one woman & 14-boy by another. All of this was B4 we met. I found out by his mom 3dys B4 wedding. DEVASTATED. He has no relationship w/any of them. Never did. Since we married I demanded blood tests, he claimed they weren't his. All tests came back yes and he has been paying childsupport since. My kids do not know. Should we tell them? Our daughter thinks she is the only girl, but there are three daughters of his out there. Our oldest son thinks he is the first born and named after my husband. Thing is, I found out the 14yr boy is named after my husband also. I feel this complicates things more. I am carrying this in order to protect my kids from heartache. I keep them away from his family so they will not find out. I think of this and often times HATE my husband but am starting to hate myself for choosing to marry him and put future kids in the middle of it. He's an excellent father/husband, there's just this one thing. HELP!!!!
2007-07-06 12:08:04 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
It would be unfair to your children to find out from anyone other than you and their father.
If you need to, think of it this way: it's always been a small world, but it's getting smaller and smaller these days. It's likely that they will find out eventually (many children have found out things that their parents should have told them). So, ask yourself: Is it harder to tell them yourselves or is it harder to have to tell them why you didn't say anything when they find out another way?
You already know what to do. You just need assurance. And try to minimize the regret that you are feeling...regret, like worry, doesn't change or solve anything. (Easier said than done, but possible.) It's going to be harder now because of the time that has passed and your children being older...they haven't grown up "knowing."
They have a right to know.
I wish you and everyone involved the very best.
2007-07-06 12:40:33 · answer #1 · answered by raven 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Whoa, thats quite a load you have sweetie. I'm so sorry your husband decided to take the cowards way out. By the way, I'm not trying to diss him or anything, because I dont know him. But his action and behavior is extremely selfish. Truth is, although it may be easier said than done, your main focus now has to be on your children. I have a feeling that your husband may come back, but you deal with that if and when it comes. To tell your children, you're going to have to break it down elementary style. Because they are so very young, I think only the older one may have a slight notion of what you're talking about. Tell them the truth without getting into a lot of detail. Seek some help from family members if that is an option. Also, if your husband wants to be that way about leaving to another area and all, I would file for child support immediately. I wish you and your family the best of luck. God Bless
2016-05-20 01:28:51 · answer #2 · answered by ? 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well 15 years is a long time, his mother told you 3 days before you married him, that was a sign straight from God as to his character--he didn't have any. Yes your children should know, what if they meet someplace and they start liking one another and want to date, then what are you going to do, to not tell them they have other siblings is wrong, and you will be just as guilty as your husband for not telling you all those years ago. If your husband doesn't want to tell the kids, then you tell them, they will hate you if they find out any other way. Just like his mother told you 15 years ago, whats to say that she or someone else in the family won't tell the children. They should be told, and then let them decided if they want to stay in touch with the other siblings, but they should know. A real father takes care of all of his children not just some of them, he just sounds like a daddy. I don't know how a real man can sleep at night knowing he has other children, and can take care of only half of them. TELL THE KIDS
2007-07-06 12:18:43 · answer #3 · answered by pookster4262 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Do you plan on locating these other kids and letting them be a part of your kids life? if so then yes you should tell them otherwise wait until they are older and they can understand better and start looking for themselves. They do have a right to know, eventually, that they have brothers and sisters out there somewhere. You can't hide them from his family forever and they will find out. It's better that it comes from you and your husband. You can control the damage, somewhat, that way. You never know how the extended family will put it when they tell the kids and there may be more harm than good with the kids resenting you in the aftermath. Good luck with this one. It will be a hard one either way.
2007-07-06 12:16:43 · answer #4 · answered by firemouse23 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What are you making such a big deal out of? You should have told your kids from the beginning, you should have established at least a speaking relationship with these other kids for your kids' sake, for your husband's sake and for his family's sake. Punishing your husband's family by not letting them see their grandkids (etc.) just because you don't want them finding out dad had a life before he married you is so selfish I don't even have the words to describe it.
If your husband is an excellent father and husband, why do you hate him?
If this bothers you so much and you were devastated, why did you go ahead and marry him?
Tell the kids, get them all together to meet and be done with it.
2007-07-06 12:16:33 · answer #5 · answered by janicajayne 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It seems that the both of you are being selfish. He didn't take part of being a father and you didn't help support his decision in making him be a father and man. Both of you need to grow up and think about how the first set of children who were deprived of a father. As for you worrying about your kids, reality is reality. They are going to find out if now or later. Don't be surprised if they hold you responsible for the hate and distrust they might feel. You as their mom knowing and not telling them, and as for their dad, not being responsible.
You said you were protecting them. From what?? From them having the ability to enjoy having sibling's and others to relate too?? It's too late to try to change your mind about marring him. That is long over with it. What you need to do is get all the dirt out in the open and move forward as an open and honest family. You both hurt the future of your kids.
2007-07-06 12:31:00 · answer #6 · answered by Jennbugged 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is certainly an egotist. Your children will find out, someday with or without your help, and your and your husbands' lack of acknowlegement about these half brothers and sisters will likely be taken badly. My fatherinlaw found out about an older brother at age 65 and tracked him down in a nearby community. The brother died in two years, and certainly my fatherinlaw is bitter towards his mother for never telling him about the first child she had. Talk to your husband, and tell him it is time to tell the truth about this big lie of his. The older girls may welcome hearing from their siblings, though probably not from their totally invisible father. The older boy may have some probs with a little brother having the same name, but again, you need to tell them now and get it over with.
2007-07-06 14:09:07 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
why would you think it would be a heartache to your kids. I'm sure that they've seen h has not contacted them because he loves your children more. your kids are old enough and maybe they might like the idea of knowing. if they get mad they'll get over it. your burdening yourself by bottling this all up even now you cant forget and forgive. pray about it. my daughter is 14 now but i have been telling her about her older sibling since she was about 7. theres bits and pieces i keep out only because she loves her father even though she don't know him. prayer helps.
2007-07-06 12:18:06 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You need to tell your children about this because these things have a habit of getting found out about and that would cause more hurt to your children and to yourself. Don't hate your husband,after all you did say that he was an excellent husband\father.
2007-07-06 12:20:43 · answer #9 · answered by Charlotte's Dad 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WHAT A SELFISH MAN-I'm sorry he feels like he didn't have any responsibility in making babies and raising them and now he feels he's ready in his life to be a father so he will relate to some of the children he fathered but not all - this is not your fault-but yo kids ahve a right to know their sibilings.
2007-07-06 12:14:06 · answer #10 · answered by girl 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋