Parents' happiness or my principles??????

Question

'll try to make this long story short:

I have been studying myself and the world for some time now and have changed many of my world views. At this point I no longer consider myself muslim as my family does. I am a south asian (living in North America) and althgouh in my early twenties, live at home with my parents because I'm required to by tradition. I live in a rather dysfunctional and somewhat abusive family as my parents have very strict and narrow minded requirements for us (such as having no contact with the outside world, having no friends, spending our life obeying and never questioning etc.) My life (and that of my siblings) is composed of short periods of 'good times' followed by long periods of severe verbal and sometimes physical abuse by the parents, most of the times for something as simple as not getting having too much or too little salt in the food (I cook). We never disrespect them while they go on because deep down, we know that it's not really their fault they are this way. They came from very religious and severly dysfunctional families themselves. It has now come to the point that they are asking (forcing) me to marry a muslim boy of their choice. I have a Catholic boyfriend and we are very serious about each other. After much talk and debate, we decided that he would 'convert' just for them (in reality neither of us belives in the religion, so it would be just to make the folks happy). I told them about him for the first time yesterday and they got extremely angry, I feel lucky to be alive right now. They now tell me that I either have to convert him and marry him and then leave home and never show them my face again (they would disown me), or I have to marry the guy they want me to AND do it with a smile on my face. They are also very serious about telling me that if I go ahead and marry my boyfriend and he doesn't convert, then they have a God given responsibility to kill me (literally murder me) and they will do it no matter what they have to face for it!

My question is, what am I to do in this situation? As bad as they behave towards me, they're still my parents and I don't want to hurt them by leaving. On the other hand, I can't marry the guy they want me to, not just because of my boyfriend, but because I do NOT want to live my life being muslim, and I will NEVER bring my children up under this religion!! I believe that we all choose our life path in the time between lives, and do it based on the lessons we want to learn from the life. I just wish I could figure out the lesson I am supposed to learn from this? Which is more important? My beleifes and principles, or the feelings of those who brought me up? Any opinions?

Answer 1

Secretly save up any money that you can and run away with your BF. Go where they can't find you. Live your life and be happy. Mail them a letter explaining that you still love your parents.

Answer 2

Hey Sweetie. Sorry you're having to go through this. It's the kind of thing a person shouldn't have to go through.

You really don't have a "decision" to make. Your parents are the one making the decision FOR you. They are the ones forcing you to do something. They are not accepting you as you are. They are forcing you out of their home.

Listen hon, even IF they accepted this boyfriend, you would only be putting off what eventually is going to happen. Some day, when you have children, what will happen? You have already stated that you will NEVER bring your children up under this religion. It doesn't sound like your parents will ever leave your children alone either. Be honest. Would they?

So the decision, the break, has already happened really. You just have to somehow find the strength to go through with things. I don't think your boyfriend pretending to "convert" is really going to buy you anything. Eventually your parents wrath would come down on the heads of your children.

Don't live your life a lie. Be who you are. You are accepting of them. It is THEY who are unaccepting of you. Lean on your boyfriend now. Find the strength to leave, before any more abuse happens. Try again in a few years to see if they have lightened up and try to keep contact with your siblings. It sounds like they might need you in the future.

Answer 3

You would be better off if your family did not even know his name. That way the two of you could marry and ''disappear'' and they would not be able to find you. I would be afraid if they could find you. I would not want my future children around these people. You need to live your own life and try to be happy....BE HAPPY. But you also personally need to think about YOUR future. When we marry we always hope that it is forever. But sometimes it just is not. You will be giving up your family and should there ever come a time that you find yourself divorced or widowed you need to make sure that you can support yourself and future children. Also I don't think that you converting to his religion is a good idea either. Maybe you are not ready for marraige either. You might consider college even if you marry. You are going to have to be self sufficient. Good luck. You are strong and you can do it. You will be o.k.

Answer 4

He could convert and you marry and then the both of you will be miserable.

I don't usually ask a question like this but have you considered disassociating yourself from your family? As you say you can never be happy living as a Muslim (at least not the way your parents do) and raising children that way. You would never find a moments peace.

I suppose he could convert - marry you, and then the 2 of you move as far away from your family as possible. Then you could do what you want - even convert to his original faith.

While it is important to respect your parents you are more important - it is your life.

One note: tell your parents that as long as they are living in the United States (or Canada) if they ever should decide to exercise their God given rights to kill you or anyone (literally) the laws of MAN will punish them - in the here and now.

You have a very, very difficult decision to make. Consider all aspects.

I wish you all the luck in the world.

Answer 5

This is a tough one.

My first instinct would be to say stick to your own beliefs and principles. I don't like that you are being threatened. I think in such a case, I would run. But, I also worry about the livelihood of your siblings. If your parents are abusive then they have no right to still have their children. Abuse in any form, in my opinion, is intolerable.

You are 19 and an adult. I would get legal advice about the threats and abuse. Contact a free legal service. I know you said you cannot have outside contact, but you obviously have internet access. If nothing else use email to contact a lawyer, I'm sure someone would help you pro bono.

Good luck, I'll be thinking of you.

Answer 6

I think the first thing you need to understand is that you are an adult now. Since you said you live in North America, I'm assuming you are in the US or Canada. Either way you are an adult. Personally, I would never have a problem walking away from my parents and never seeing them again if that was the corner they put me in. You see the blame for them never seeing me again would be on them, not me. And I came from a very loving family. I have been married for over 15 years and have three kids. If my kids never saw their grandparents again because of my parents' dysfunctional behavior, so be it. My family is my wife and kids now.

Answer 7

Your principals!!!!!!!!!! I am sure that you are very scared right now, as it sounds you should be. No one has the right to take away your life.....not even your parents!!!!!!! My ancestors had to do the very same thing to esacpe the harm they were put through. Do whatever humanly possible (without physically harming anyone) to get out of this situation. No one deserves to be abused!!!! Would you do this to your child? and when the time calls, becoming an adult dosn't mean turing a certain age....sometimes it's doing whats right for your life and ultimate happiness.......be safe

Answer 8

Do what makes YOU happy. Its your life not theirs. Also if they threaten to kill you again call the cops. I dont know where you live but this story is shocking to me. Where is the moderate muslim here. By the sounds of it even if you move out and barely scrape by it still sounds alot better than what you parents are doing. Try showing them some of the responses on here to show that not one single person agrees with what they are doing. If you come to an impass then get the hell out of there. Your better than them

Answer 9

Eventually you have to live your own life and be responsible for your own happiness.

It's sad that you would have to hurt to parents to do that, but it seems as if you have no choice.

Much depends upon your ago -- as long as you can legally leave home and are capable of supporting yourself -- you should probably leave. You can love your parents from a distance. If they choose to cut you out of their lives, that is their problem, their loss. You will have to be strong and know you are doing the right thing for yourself and your future family.

Good luck.

Answer 10

It is not one world. I will be the first to admit that I don't understand this culture that you are very familiar with, so my advice may not be worth much. I believe you are right to want to honor your parents. However lying to them, yourself and God just to appease them is, in my opinion wrong. I think you need to stand on your beliefs but I don't practically know how to tell you to do that if your life is truly in Jeopardy. I would recommend that you privately seek legal counsel and consider moving before you tell your parents anything. Asking your boyfriend to convert, again in my opinion, is asking him to lie and I wouldn't recommend it. It is apparent that you will not receive your parents blessing so I would recommend you attend to your safety.