Parents' happiness or my principles??????

Question

'll try to make this long story short:

I have been studying myself and the world for some time now and have changed many of my world views. At this point I no longer consider myself muslim as my family does. I am a south asian (living in North America) and althgouh in my early twenties, live at home with my parents because I'm required to by tradition. I live in a rather dysfunctional and somewhat abusive family as my parents have very strict and narrow minded requirements for us (such as having no contact with the outside world, having no friends, spending our life obeying and never questioning etc.) My life (and that of my siblings) is composed of short periods of 'good times' followed by long periods of severe verbal and sometimes physical abuse by the parents, most of the times for something as simple as not getting having too much or too little salt in the food (I cook). We never disrespect them while they go on because deep down, we know that it's not really their fault they are this way. They came from very religious and severly dysfunctional families themselves. It has now come to the point that they are asking (forcing) me to marry a muslim boy of their choice. I have a Catholic boyfriend and we are very serious about each other. After much talk and debate, we decided that he would 'convert' just for them (in reality neither of us belives in the religion, so it would be just to make the folks happy). I told them about him for the first time yesterday and they got extremely angry, I feel lucky to be alive right now. They now tell me that I either have to convert him and marry him and then leave home and never show them my face again (they would disown me), or I have to marry the guy they want me to AND do it with a smile on my face. They are also very serious about telling me that if I go ahead and marry my boyfriend and he doesn't convert, then they have a God given responsibility to kill me (literally murder me) and they will do it no matter what they have to face for it!

My question is, what am I to do in this situation? As bad as they behave towards me, they're still my parents and I don't want to hurt them by leaving. On the other hand, I can't marry the guy they want me to, not just because of my boyfriend, but because I do NOT want to live my life being muslim, and I will NEVER bring my children up under this religion!! I believe that we all choose our life path in the time between lives, and do it based on the lessons we want to learn from the life. I just wish I could figure out the lesson I am supposed to learn from this? Which is more important? My beleifes and principles, or the feelings of those who brought me up? Any opinions?

Answer 1

Leave the parents. It will be difficult but there is nothing else you can do in this instance.

Report the threat to the police, and I repeat, leave town, do not give forwarding addresses or phone numbers.

This is the same for all people, who have to leave a violent cult, not just you and your situation.

Recently, here in Toronto, a fanatical father ran over his daughter, her current boyfriend, and an innocent friend. He is in police custody, the people were injured but expected to survive.

I know your parents are serious. That is why it is best to report it, and then leave secretly, without any forwarding information. Try calling them in 5 years or so. If you have minor siblings at home, a report to children's aid might help as well. They may be Muslim, but they still have to follow the laws of the land, concerning abuse and children.

Answer 2

You would be better off if your family did not even know his name. That way the two of you could marry and ''disappear'' and they would not be able to find you. I would be afraid if they could find you. I would not want my future children around these people. You need to live your own life and try to be happy....BE HAPPY. But you also personally need to think about YOUR future. When we marry we always hope that it is forever. But sometimes it just is not. You will be giving up your family and should there ever come a time that you find yourself divorced or widowed you need to make sure that you can support yourself and future children. Also I don't think that you converting to his religion is a good idea either. Maybe you are not ready for marraige either. You might consider college even if you marry. You are going to have to be self sufficient. Good luck. You are strong and you can do it. You will be o.k.

Answer 3

This is not an easy question to answer. The reason is that you alone have to live with the consequences of your choice. It is easy for others myself included to give advice when we don't have to bear the responsibility for the decision.

If I understand, your parents have rejected the option of your boyfriend becoming Muslim. I don't think it would work anyway. To convert falsely is to lie to your parents which won't help matters down the road. The issue for them probably is cultural as well as religious. They may want you to honor the traditions of their culture in south Asia.

If you do decide to marry your boyfriend (I assume you are of age to marry) then take seriously your parents' threats and let the police know what they have said. While rare, we do read of deaths of Muslim women in North America who have disobeyed a parent.

Whatever you do, since you love and respect your parents I would encourage you to leave the door open. By this I mean to tell them you love them even if they throw you out. Let them know that you are not severing the relationship - but you will honor their decision to do so.

It is not disrespecting them in my opinion to follow your own beliefs. But you do need to understand that in doing so you will lose your support system. You will be rejected by Muslim friends and family who will likely honor your father's decision. You may even be in danger from other Muslims who follow your dad's beliefs.

I respect what others have said about leaving. But not knowing your situation and available protection (even for your boyfriends parents and family) I can only say that I would not want to live in your situation or want my daughter living in it.

Only you can decide if your beliefs and your love of your boyfriend are worth losing the respect and support of your family. I wish I had a better answer. I do offer you my prayers.

Pastor John

Addendum: I would recommend a book for you. But don't leave it where your parents might see it. It is entitled "Unveiling Islam". It was written by Ergun Mehmet Caner and Emir Fethi Caner who are former Muslims who converted to Christianity and were rejected by their parents. Their story may be helpful to you on your journey.

Answer 4

Listen, you should go ahead and marry your boyfriend and move out and away from your family. You recognize their shortcomings and you have forgiven them, now it's time to make your own life. Going along with their order to marry a muslim boy will not bring their demands or rules on you to an end, albeit, you will have another person who will dictate what you ought to do with your life. If you have a boyfriend, you must have some friends, him and you...or his family, who can support you in this move. If you need to do it on the QT and run, do it.

Here is the time to stand for those beliefs that you have come to on your own. By their own choices, they have stated that beliefs are more important to them than you.

I wish you the best of luck with this. Be smart and be practical in your plans and Godspeed.

Answer 5

I feel so bad for you. If I were you I would get married to the man you love. You can always pretend to have him convert to being a Muslim just to save your life (but you do not have to live that way). After you marry him, I would move far away from your family so that you are safe and can start living your life the way you see fit. Good luck. I will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 6

I think I would call the police because even though they're your parents, they sound abusive and have threatened to kill you. Why are you so concerned about hurting them when they don't seem to worry about hurting you!? I would also go somewhere where they would never find me. You are old enough to live the way you see fit. They do have a choice when it comes to the way they treat people, regardless of what their religion says.

Answer 7

A short and simple answer. Shag as out of there as fast as you can move and don't ever look back. I am speaking from experience. There are all kinds of situations that are every bit as bad as yours. A lot of people face them at a very young age. The strong survive. I was gone for good before I was 17 and have never looked back and have no regrets.

Answer 8

God does not give a parent the right to murder a child in the topic you are referring to. It is wrong. Murder is murder. Forced marriage is wrong.

Get yourself some where safe and far away, start a new life and don't look back.

Answer 9

I would leave if it was me. There is no way I could live that way. Talk with your boyfriend, go to his priest and ask for help. The Catholic Church will help. Please email me if you have any questions. I will pray for you and may God Bless your path away from the destruction and dysfunction that you are now in.

Answer 10

Your parents have threatened TO KILL YOU. Nothing more needs to be said - with parents like these, who needs enemies? You know exactly where you, your safety, your principles and your happiness fit in this equation. Nowhere.

This isn't a religion issue - it's a safety issue. Leave your parents' house. NOW. Be safe.