insane dysfunctional family problem?

Question

Ok well who doesnt have this issue? lol. I was inspired to ask this after answering someone elses question.

Here's the deal, I am 21. I'm now engaged moved out on my own in college and working full time. I have always been this serious, had to because I have younger sisters and had to play mommy. The problem is that my mom cannot appreciate the support i've given her. She continues to do the same dumb shi she has done in the past, which includes involving me and turning to me as if i am the mother and she is the daughter. She just kicked my younger sister out over some damn soap and this entire fiasco has resulted in me getting a C- on my midterm.

I guess I'm just looking for copeing advice... I really dont know how to get her to see that I need to be able to focus, and that she needs to step up and be mom and not turn to me to be mom. Its been going on since I was about 9 and I cannot take it. Its why I moved out too. if u need more info just say and i'll try. thanks

Grades are not my problem... My grades suffer when she starts her shi#. I havent gotten a C- since 6th grade!!! I'm not blaming her, there really is a problem. I wouldnt do the irresponsible my mom messed up my mid-term bs that most irresponsible people would.

Pls keep in mind that I am looking for advice on how to distance myself from her and make her stand on her own two without me! I know well how to handle my grades my GPA is a 3.75.

Zelda thank you. That is just what I need too... Boundaries! I dont think i expressed that originally. I need help with setting boundaries. I have talked with her and thought she understood but she keeps reverting back, and is the MASTER of the blame game. Rather than admit she is wrong, she would blame me or she would try to make me feel bad that i felt bad with her choices or words.
She evades issues and doesnt want to deal with them and I suggested counseling but she hasnt tried to budge. I've even moved out to get away from this and so I could be focused on school and MY LIFE. So far, its only made a small difference. She still has a way of dragging me back in.

Answer 1

Then fight all the harder. The truth is that you keep hoping that one day you will wake up and your mom will be the kind of mom you need and able to actually parent. Its not going to happen. I am 54, my mother is in her late 70's. I can tell you, it will never happen. Not everyone who reproduces should have had those kids, and have no real ability to parent anyone. Your mom apparently is like that. All you can do for yourself is keep her at arms length. Or further.

Don't feel guilty about this. You are the child and she is the adult (that doesn't change ever), and while you can love her and respect her, it doesn't do you any good to get down and be the doormat she walks all over. When your mother is an old woman, you can decide what you want to do to help care for her, but don't expect some miricle where she gets a clue. Won't happen.

Define your relationship and stick to your guns. Absolutely do not get involved with your mother and siblings drama, you are not responsible. Think about yourself, and put yourself first, because you do not have a mother to do that for you. Its not being selfish, its being determined to not repeat her mistakes.

The good news is that you can end this kind of behavior when you have your kids. I did. While I will never have the kind of mother I needed, I became that mother to my own daughters. We did just fine, and I love them unconditonally. Doesn't mean they (and me) don't make mistakes, but it means I don't hold my love hostage when they do things I don't like.

Good luck and keep at it, you've got a good head start.

Answer 2

Well... coping advice:
Take some time out. Do a lot of thinking by your self. Decide/Learn what is truly important. Work on self discipline... but in small steps. Grades are your problem, not her. The blame game accomplishes nothing save hiding the real issues. Set some goals that you know you can meet. Reward yourself when you succeed. Most of all, find the good in you, and make it grow. Do nice things for people. The outcome of all of this is true happiness... something few actually achieve. They think happiness comes from others... silly idea. Your happiness at this stage is your responsibility, not hers.

And then, try and get her to change her behavior. However, all you can do is love the sinner and hate the sin. Express both when needed but not at the same time. When you talk about her bad behavior, make it clear that you are not condemning her, but what she did, and not what she does. Talk about how you feel, and not about her. Say things like, "this made me feel bad" as opposed to "you made made me feel bad". Best wishes.

p.s. Don't think about the past. It's done. It will just slow you down. Get over the bad... remember the good.

Answer 3

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Answer 4

I respect you and so should everyone else. Unfortunately in families, those close to us know exactly how to sneak in under the radar. It sounds like your mother is jealous of your accomplishments and ability to cope, because she can't do that.

The only reasonable advice I can give you from my experience and therapy I went through a very long time ago is twofold: First, you can't really change anyone else, just your own reaction to them. They may eventually change themselves because of positive changes you have made in yourself, but there's nothing you can do to force the issue. Next, you need to learn how to set and enforce boundaries with her (and perhaps your sisters) in a firm but loving way. I can't help you with that, but one of my contacts is a counsellor and will hopefully respond to your question. Hugs!