How to manage discipline ??

Question

On step-kids? Do we have to be the same as our own kids or we have to treat them different because of their situation ??
My hubby & I have being married for almost 5 yrs he has a son(11yrs) from a previous marriage & I have a daughter ( 6yrs) from a previous marriage & we have 2 kids of our own.. The problem is that when his son is with us he doesn’t obey OUR rules & he either goes back with mom or with my hubby’s parents & he end up doing what he wants.. My hubby says that because he is not full time with him & so as my daughter with her dad we need to treat them different, in a way that they can do or get what they want.. Which I don’t agree because it will not be fair for the others!! I say that our rules @ home need to be follow & that we need to treat them equally !! Is anyone in the same situation or was??? How to solve this ?? I just believe if we do let one do what they want now they will do the same later, & is not like this..CUZ they will jump on us later on !! ADVICE !!

Answer 1

at your house you set the rules, no matter whose kid it is. you have to be fair and consistent to all of them. your husband's son can learn there are certain rules at your house, even if they are different from other places he stays. if you don't get him under control now, you won't be able to manage him at all when he's a teenager.

Answer 2

I can offer this to you. My 7 year old son goes to see his dad and stepmother three times a year, and everytime he comes back with, "Well daddy let's me", and daddy really does. I didn't get any support from them with my discipline or any daily rules and routines. They felt that he should do whatever when he was with them, basically trying to make it look better at their home. Well, eventually their child started doing the same things they were letting my son do, and they didn't like it.

So, now the stepmother has asked, "What do you do at your home?" And, to be honest, her opening up to me, has helped her better deal with my little guy.

Sometimes, you can go around your obstacle and find some good information about your own situation. If the commo isn't good between you and the ex, try an email, just simply say, "Hey, so we can be on the same page, how do you deal with this behavior? " You might not want to do it, but it might give you some better ideas and help you deal with the discipline issue. It might not be that your rules are any different, it just might be the approach.

Really, try doing what his mom or her dad does a few times. It might get the two to follow your house rules easier.

Also, pick your battles. Chances are that niether one of the kids gets away with whatever as much as you might think, they just say they do.

Good luck and keep your cool.

Answer 3

It doesn't matter what they are doing at the opposite parents house, as long as they are obeying your rules in yours. It is all about picking your battles. You can have you husband ask his ex to be a bit more strict on his son and enforce the rules when he is at home, but the chances of her actively listening are slim unless they have a very good relationship as friends and parents with eachother which is also rare. But you need to make sure you let the child and his know that it doesn't matter what they allow in their house, the rules are different at home, and that is the way it will stay. You cannot allow a child to walk all over you because tey are in a split home situation. It is not fair to you, but most importantly it is not fair to your other two children who do not have split homes. Everyone in your house should have the same rules. Always. It makes things go so much smoother in life. There will never be any confusion about another child being able to do something because the older son can.

And with that said, I have a 12 year old step son, and when my husband and I started seeing eachother (he was 10) he tried to walk all over me. I did not really know how to treat him, because my son was 2, and I was so used to having to deal with him. But after I learned that my step son was just like a little person, him taking advantage of me stopped completely. He listens to me like he listens to anyone else. But that is because I treat him with the respect that I want from him, just like I treat my own boys. As long as you and your husband have an understanding that you should be allowed to discipline his son, it should be fine. It may take a while for his son to actually listen to you, but as long as you are consistant and patient things should work out. It is not like you are asking permission to beat his son. You are just asking for respect.

Your children who have split homes shouldn't treat the situation to their advantage so they can get away with murder. It is possible to have the behave and follow your rules in your home regardless of what the other parents allows. And this is coming from a mother of a three year old who runs wild at his fathers but is perfectly well behaved at me. I just think of it as, his father allowed him to walk all over him, and now he is paying the price, because his son wont listen to him and take him seriously, but when he comes home, he knows the rules here, and obeys them. So what happens over at his house isn't my problem. Also when my mother remarried it was never a question of my step dad being able to right us when we did wrong, and we respected him more for it.

I wish you luck! Be patient, and have this conversation with your husband, so it is out in the open, that everyone has the same rules, and both parents are free to discipline.

Answer 4

sit him down and tell him my house my rules if you can not abide by them you are not welcome here if your husband has a problem with that then he needs to put his foot down and make sure the lovely little child is familair with your rules

Answer 5

same rules for all - i agree with you

Answer 6

well my step dad dosn't try to disipline us b/c he feels like its our dads place, sometimes it makes me sad b/c i want him to be like my dad, b/c my dad can't be here, so be normal teat everyone the same.