How much longer should I keep waiting for him to propose? I'm 31, he's 30. Almost 5 yrs together.?

Question

Been living together for 4 yrs. Since about our 2nd year, we've been talking about getting married. Not "if" but "when" we get married. Although we both have decent jobs, he's reluctant to spend his savings on a ring when there are more practical things to spend money on (like a house, but I won't buy until we are married or at least engaged).

So my mom gave us her engagement ring and wedding band from my dad (they're divorced) to help us save money (re-setting her diamonds will save a lot of $$) That was 2 or 3 yrs ago. We've been to several jewelry stores. He knows what I'd like. We went to Florida when I turned 30 last year. I thought the proposal was going to come. Nothing. Last summer he asked when I'd like to get married. I said "next fall" (meaning fall, 2007). Still nothing. Every vacation we take, every holiday, I hope it comes, but no. He doesn't want me to propose. He doesn't want to set a date either. I'm getting resentful. I love him but I want to plan my life already!

As I said above, he has made it clear he does not want ME to propose.

Also, I asked him last night if we can set a date so he doesn't have to worry about the ring (he has called me materialistic because I want a ring even though he already has the diamond! Before we got the rings I told him it could be something plastic-it didn't matter, but I want something as a symbol). He said "no, we're not engaged." I try not to bring it up too much because he gets angry that I'm "always" bringing it up (which is not true - maybe once a month TOPS). He definitely knows how I feel. He's just not in any rush. When I recently brought up the informal fall 2007 date, he brushed me off. He has issues with decision-making. With many things if I don't do it for him, it doesn't happen. When he has to be the one to decide he takes a very VERY long time and has to pursue every possible option.

Part of me thinks he just has a hard time making decisions, but part of me worries he's never gonna do it.

Answer 1

till thursday............................... than you ask .................. ll

Answer 2

It is not about the ring. Tell him that. I got just a plain gold band and that was my engagement and wedding ring. 4 years later I am happy with it still.

Have the diamonds reset as a anniversary present for your first or your fifth.

If you finally do get this guy to ask you then set a date immediately (well in a month or two), even if it is 2 years out.

If he is still reluctant then ask him to marry you. Then if he can't say yes then you shouldn't waste any more time with him.

Good Luck to you.

Answer 3

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RE:
How much longer should I keep waiting for him to propose? I'm 31, he's 30. Almost 5 yrs together.?
Been living together for 4 yrs. Since about our 2nd year, we've been talking about getting married. Not "if" but "when" we get married. Although we both have decent jobs, he's reluctant to spend his savings on a ring when there are more practical things to spend money...

Answer 4

I was with my fiance for 5 years and told him that i would not live with him until we were at least engaged. We too talked about things that we were going to do "when" we got married but when i would bring it up he would freak out. So i wait for him to graduate college, let him find a steady job, get settled on being a "real" adult. Then i said ok, i have waited 5+ years, i love u and u love me and even though marriage scares you, you need to make a decision. I too had become resentful that i was willing and ready to dedicate my life to him and build my life around him and yet he wasnt sure... He knew my intentions from the get go, if i didnt want to marry him i wouldnt have stayed with him for so long. So eventually i broke up with him. I told him that he needed some time to figure out what HE wanted out of life, what was going to make HIM happy. That was it. 5 years...wasted, down the drain. BUT lucky for me he proposed 6 months later...realized i was his future and bla bla bla. Some people say i gave him an ulitmatum, but i didnt...i gave him space. More than space i gave him freedom. I took off all the pressure, and asked him to do what made him happy. Once the pressure is gone i think it helped him realize what he really wanted. Even after he proposed he was still scared of marriage, but once we moved in together that all changed and he is excited now. we are getting married on december 29th...which will be our 7 year anniversary of the day we met. So moral of the story is that taking the pressure away may help him get to that proposal point. If not, then at least it will free you up so you can find someone who WILL love you and want to marry you.
Good luck!

Answer 5

Talk to him. Plain and simple. Tell him about your fears, concerns, hopes, dreams, etc. There must be something going on with him. So be prepared that you might not hear what you want. Also, I disagree with anyone telling you to give him an ultimatum. I see why people think thats a good idea but I look at it like this....you want him to marry you because he loves and respects you and has a desire to start a life/family with you right? You DONT want him to marry you because you forced him to make a decision now just because YOU want to do it right? Marriage should be a mutual decision that BOTH parties are ready for. So respect him and your relationship and talk about it. This isnt just about you and your desire to get married. Its about both of you.
Another question for you....why do you want to get married? Why do you want to marry him? Maybe consider having those reasons thought out and tell him. Tell him "I want to marry you because...." "Marriage is important to me beacuse...." and have him answer those questions too. You may find that he just needed reassurance that you are in love with HIM, not just the IDEA of marriage. Understand what I mean? Maybe he feels you've lost sight of whats important....your relationship. Not the ring, not the wedding, but you two together.

Answer 6

The reason he isn't proposing is because he doesn't need to. You two are living together and are acting like a married couple.
I think you need to tell him you are planning to move out and move on and see what he does. Why would he propose if he already has a "wife." If you do leave him and he comes to his senses then he will know for sure that he wants to spend his life with you. If he doesn't come around then you will be able to move on, confident that he was not the one.

Answer 7

You need to have an honest talk with him and say you are ready to move on with your life. It seems like he is stringing you along...honestly, why would he marry you when he already has the perks of marriage without any of the legal committments? I'm not saying that for moral reasons, but if he's already living the life of a married man, what reason does he have? And what difference does being married make?

Just remember, you may get an answer you really don't want, and you need to be prepared for that. If he says he never wants to marry, so take me or leave me, you have to know what your answer is.


I really hate the idea that a ring is a "waste of money". No it isn't. It is an expression of the love he has for you, and a declaration that you and he belong to one another.

Answer 8

Hi yreviewer,

my brother and his wife struggled for a bit because they did not want to have a lavish expensive wedding. They located an Internet wedding company in Hawaii who would perform the ceremony on the beach, provide witnesses, videotape the ceremony and set it to music.

They opted for this wedding and honeymoon, to avoid the stress and cost of a two-family wedding, also to join the ceremony and unforgettable honeymoon. The entire package came to around $2,500 and was unforgettable.

Maybe mentioning this would pique his curiosity and spark your passion for each other. A trip/wedding/honeymoon all rolled in to one. You can ask your parents to host a reception when you get back, so family and friends can feel involved in your union.

This might be just the creative cost-saving plan that would curb his anxiety. And since you would be initiating the conversation, it would take the pressure off of him for coming up with some romantic way of proposing to you.

I wish you luck and happiness ~

Answer 9

I'm 19 and my fiance is 23. We havebeen together for 4 years, lived together for 2 years, we own a brand new house, and I have a huge engagement ring. All of which we've paid for ourselves so I doubt its fear of spending money on a ring. It sounds like he's just scared, but won't tell you. sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he still won't marry you it time to reconsider. If he cared that much about you he'd take your feelings on the subject into consideration.

Answer 10

You either want to get married, or your don't. You guys are in your 30s, you both should know what you want out of life and your relationship. Obviously, you already know. Something is holding him back from the idea of marriage, I would try and talk to him more and see where his fears lie. If you take the advice of some of the posters on here about proposing yourself, just be prepared if he says no. That's certainly a possibility. There is defintiely something that's blocking him, if you can't figure out what it is, it may be time to re-evaluate the situation.

Answer 11

I agree with Blunt and the other poster. You either need to sit him down and have him figure out why he's not proposing (I see no reason why he shouldn't) or take matters into your own hands. Is there a deeper issue? Its he afraid of divorce? Afraid of commitment? Or is he just happy with the way things are? (Some people choose to be life partners without ever tying the knot) He needs to figure this out and fast. The other poster was right, you're not getting any younger, and if you find out your priorities are different than his, it's better to find out now rather than later.

All in all, sounds like its time for a chat.
Good luck and best wishes!