I have two stepchildren who I consider my own. I married their father last year and we have established a very good relationship over the past year. The lost their mother o ovarian cancer when they were young and they were so grateful to finally have a mom in their lives. My 12 year old has a problem with treating the family nicely when her father has disciplined her. She usually calls me Mom (her birth mother passed away 7 years ago) but when she gets mad at me, she calls me by my first name. I am getting to the point where I hate being around her and I feel guilty about it. How can I dettach myself from her when she is this way and still love her at the same time?
2007-07-06 03:40:33 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Remember when you were 12? Did you not love and hate your mother at the same time? She's at that age where her body is changing, so goes the attitude. She's a typical preteen. Get ready because as she progresses through these teen years, it's going to get worse before it gets better. Are you prepared for this or do you want to run before it really builds? Love of a child should be unconditional...to an extent. Good luck.
2007-07-06 03:53:30 · answer #1 · answered by floridagirl1261 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You say you married their father last year but how long have you actually been in their lives? You see, I was a step child and am also a step mother so I feel I can speak on this subject. It is hard for a child to accept anyone new as a parent. What the "new parent" needs to understand is that you first must be that child's friend, NOT a parent until they trust you. I am not suggesting you allow them to get away with breaking rules but decide what the big deal conflicts are and let the little stuff go. Step child or not, they are going to be mad or upset that they were disciplined and her calling you by your name is her way of testing the waters with you. She wants to see if she can push you away or take her anger out on you. Be an adult already and realize she is a child, she's going to act like one. And she's 12? She has hormones flying around on top of all of it. If you want to be a mom, take the good with the bad and stop calling her your step daughter! If she is your child, call her your child. If it must be explained, you inherited them when you married their dad. We need to break through the "step" barriers when we marry for the second or third time and realize how the children feel.
2007-07-06 03:57:29 · answer #2 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
God bless you, first of all. It is a huge task to be a step parent, and when the kids lost their mother they had a huge hole in their hearts as did their father. You are filling it, but it will take time for them - at 12 a girl gets moody and somewhat defiant. She needs your affection and understanding, even when she's mad at you. If you have the type of relationship where you can talk about feelings, you can try to tell her that you love her no matter what, and that when she does that it makes you feel like she doesn't care for/about you. Most moms and dads wish they could make preteens and teens disappear sometimes - they can be brutal - but they will learn from how you handle it, and one day they will be adults and it will be in the past.
2007-07-06 03:59:02 · answer #3 · answered by Clip Artist 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should give it time. Firstly, since you are their stepmother, they may not "love" you as much as they did to their biological mother. Time is essential, it may even take years.
Try to incorporate yourself in their activities and be involved. That way, at least you know you are trying your best to help and love them. You may not feel so guilty.
Have "family nights" where you, your husband and the children just go out for dinner, play a game, watch tv together or talk.
When the children scold you, treat it as a friend to friend tiff. Mums should not only act as a mother figure, but also should try to act as a "friend" to their children. That way, they will feel more comfortable with you and not just some authoritative figure.
Don't blame yourself, in time, all will be ok.
2007-07-06 03:58:07 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Hi...
perhaps you and your husband could sit down and talk to your daughter, and clarify some of the rules and what sort of behaviors you expect? you might let her know that if she has a problem or is angry, the best thing to do is spend some time calming down without being mean or rude toward others -- and then perhaps sitting down and discussing feelings and the reasons for her anger.
i used to sit down with my kids when they misbehaved or were upset (after i went somewhere and counted to 20!). i'd ask them why they think they misbehaved, and what they were feeling. i'd also ask them if they could think of solutions or ways to feel better, etc.
i raised two boys, and have babysat grandchildren. 12 years old seems to be an age of transition -- a child wanting to play with dolls one minute, and the next, feeling they want to be a 'grown up' (i'd guess hormones might play a role here?).
from my observations, sometimes all of this transition fuels the fire when someone going through this phase of life gets emotional or angry.
i think that calling you by your first name is her way of acting out and getting to you... we always seem to hurt the ones we love most, and i'm sure she loves you very much.
from my view, it's ok to discipline, and very important to talk things out.
take care.
2007-07-06 04:06:37 · answer #5 · answered by letterstoheather 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would not take it personal by any means. You are the parent and she is the child. She lost her mother and you have only been married to there father one year. She is going through a lot of changes. I feel for her she has had a lot of hardship in such a short time in her life.
2007-07-06 04:02:21 · answer #6 · answered by aintlifegrand 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Welcome to parenthood! Do not try to blame all issues on being the step parent. All kids say things when they get angry it just so happens that she uses that against you when mad. Probably because she knows it bothers you..... I am sorry if that sounds harsh but several of my friends as well as myself have step children and I get so frustrated with them trying to blame it all on because I am step whatever.............. You are feeling what all parents feel at some time or other step or not!
2007-07-06 06:58:32 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell her when this happens that you know that those are just words of anger and that you love her no matter what. And to get her goat: when she calls you by your name - tell her thank you.... and when she looks confused - just explain to her that calling you by your first name just confirms your friendship along with the motherly bond that you two already share.
2007-07-06 03:57:43 · answer #8 · answered by indiansbearsandangels 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is pre-teen and full of hormones and knows how to push your buttons. She is asserting her independence by calling you by your first name. Don't let her get to you like this - you have many teen years to go thru yet.
2007-07-06 04:09:20 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
PLEASE FIRST SORRY ABOUT MY ENGLISH.
SECOND ANY OTHER KID , WILL DO THE SAME WHEN THEY ARE MAD . MY OWN KID DO WHEN THERY ARE MAD , AND I STIL LOVE THEM. WHAT YOU CAN DO IS GIVE A SPCE AND TIME AND WHEN SHE IS FINE TALK TO HER , SAY I LOVE YOU BUT I DON'T LIKE WHEN YOU ACT LIKE THAT , ASK HER TO SAY SORRY IF SHE DID WRRONG THINGS. BUT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS TO DEMONSTRATE LOVE AND RESPECT UNCONDITIONAL ,YOU KNOW THAT YOUR WORK IS VERY GRAND FOR GOD AND THE LIFE,FEEL PROUD TO BE A GOOD MOTHER AND WOMAN
2007-07-06 03:59:08 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋