Am i right or is he right?

Question

I will admit where i am wrong so i just want to know what you people think of the argument my hubby and i had.....First off, he has two boys and i have two boys, and we have a 3 week old little boy together. We've been married for 6 years the oldest boy is 8. So the kids have always known me and mom and his as dad :). Yeasterday he threw it in my face that i shouldnt "hold" the newborn so much, and that everything is about the baby. Like hes jealous or something. Ive done it all. In the past 3 weeks, im the only one that gets up with him, makes his bottles and changes the diapers. I think in 3 weeks hes changed one diaper and made a fwe bottles, but doesnt wake up with him in the night. I told him if i wanted to be a single parent i would have been, and that he doesnt help out and im tired of it. Was i wrong to say this, or is he wrong for not helping out? When i need him to hold the baby, i have to ask him to hold him. i dont get why he doesnt seem to care about the baby? Thanks!

Dont get me wrong hes a wonderful daddy to all the kids, it just seems like hes really not into the baby for some reason. I dont understand. Maybe i had higher expectations?

no im not neglecting the other children by any means whats so ever. 2 days after having my son by c-section i was watching their t-ball game. talk about being uncomfortable. I take care of them just like i did before i was pregnant and while i was pregnant. Nothing has changed in the way i treat the other children.

Answer 1

I think you're both in need of a reconnection check.

1) Ask him to help a few times a night. Ask him BEFORE he goes to bed though.

2) Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Also don't forget to listen to him.

3) He IS helping out, just not in the way you are needing right now. He is working his tail off so you can stay at home with the kids and not worry about money.

Answer 2

Since you two already had kids he had not experienced that sort of "jealous" feeling that new fathers get. I know he's a 'new ' father but think back when you had your first boy, did your ex kinda act the same way at first? newborns kinda throw a 'monkey wrench'" into a routine. I bet he went through this feeling of "neglect" when his kids were born but by now kinda forgot how much attention a baby needs. Your other boys are at the age where you two could still spend time together and with a new one now..........see thats what I meant by a "monkey wrench" I know you hate to leave a brand new baby with a sitter, but maybe a family member could come over for a few hours and you two go out for awhile.

Answer 3

Right now you are both very stressed. The only way my husband would do anything was when I asked - then he would jump up and do it. Men just dont want to get in the way. Sometimes I feel like a nag but my husband and I talked about it and the way I ask is nice and he likes knowing what he can do to help. I can sound like a drill sargeant I think though, better than having no help though (I ask "hun, please change his diaper while I do the dishes, or visa versa" he chooses and does it, then I wait until he's done and say "please fold the laundry and turn off the TV or play with Cameron, Ill do the other, ok?") ALWAYS WORKS - cant expect him to read my mind.. On the other hand if her were to say NO or ignore me, there would be heck to pay! :) Good luck and try to keep the communication up!
OH AND CONGRATS!!!

Answer 4

Sit down and talk to him about it! That is the best way to get your answer! However, also, stop and ask yourself. Is he the one getting up at 6 am to go to work? Is he at work for 8-9 hours a day while you stay home? Don't get me wrong, your job isn't any easier. I'm just trying to think like men do! Haha! Seriously, talk to him about it! He may just be trying to give you some time and space with the baby! Tell him you would like his help a little more! But do it when you are in a calm good mood. When the kids are all asleep and you have a little alone time. And don't forget you are both really stressed. You have to work as a team right now! Good luck and Congrats!

Answer 5

I went through a lot of what you're going through with my husband. When we got married, I already had 3 children and wasn't too long before I was pregnant with "our" first. When my son was born, my husband experienced a lot of jealousy over the time I spent with the baby and didn't help out too much at all. I also got extremely frustrated and came very close to ending our relationship over it. Then I realized he really had not understood how a baby would change his life. He said he did, but he really didn't. Everything about our life was changed, neither of us really slept, his time with me was limited, and well sex forget it! My biggest problem though was he just didn't seem to care about the baby. He wasn't excited like I was. Here I was all bubbly and happy about the new baby and he was just so indifferent to it. Talk about frustrated. Thankfully he has greatly improved over the past 15 months. Otherwise I prob would have murdered him already ><. He still has lots of room for improvement in the parenting area, but he's getting there.

Even though your husband has been through the newborn stage several times, it's been a long time so he probably just had forgotten how much work a newborn really is. Give him some time to adjust. In the meantime try and take some time for you. Go take a nice hot bath while he's in charge of the kids. Don't ask him if he would like to do it, but rather just tell him you're going to take some time for yourself and he's watching the kids while you do. Hope everything works out for you!

Answer 6

Sounds like basic jealousy as you said however also Ive seen some dads arent as good with newborns as older kids. Like they buy them a bat and ball at that age - are thinking more of the expectations and future, versus the present. Or they need to be entertained by the kid. Some are even freaked out that they'll "break" the baby and how totally dependent they are. Although these are by no means excuses. Plus then there are those how have to "work" the next day. I cant believe it when I hear some moms let that excuse fly.

Basically I think you're right.

Answer 7

Five children under the age of 8 is a lot of work for both of you! The lack of sleep with a newborn is enough to send anyone over the edge. My poor husband was working 7 days a week to keep us afloat so I could stay home with the baby and I still had these same feelings!

Try to sit him down and talk to him, try not to snap at him. Let him know gently how grateful you are to have him, and you appreciate how hard he works, etc. but,explain to him how overwhelmed you feel and that you are doing your best but could use a little help.

I know the sleep deprivation made us both say some ugly things we didn't mean to each other ~ I'm not looking forward to going through that again!

Best of luck to you! Congrats on your newborn!

Answer 8

He is being lazy and jealous. I understand that you have five kids, but that means that you have five kids, as well as HE has five kids. You are not wrong!! He needs to step it up, and asap. You need to heal, and he needs to help a LOT more for that to happen. Wow. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You can hold a baby as much as you want, for as long as you want. He needs to grow up. Is there a close friend who could come help for a while? Maybe if you had to have someone else helping, he might see what a slacker he's being... I only suggest this because it doesn't seem like simply asking or telling him to help out is going to get you anywhere, and you and the baby need to be taken care of. If it's not him, it needs to be someone else. Period. Good luck~

**These answers about the husband "goes off to work, so give him a break" make me sick. My husband does have a job, and I stay home, but we BOTH realize that I am working, too, and that my job is actually more important than his- his just happens to pay the bills. He goes to work for eight hours while I am working those eight hours at home raising our daughter. Just as my husband can't take a break from his job to do a load of dishes, or laundry, or whatever, neither can I (unless she's napping, and that's when I take a break, anyways)... when he comes home, we have equal responsibilities to take care of our home. Don't let that "he goes off to work" crap let you think he doesn't need to do just as much as you...

Answer 9

some Men are like children ( sorry guys) it isn't your husband per say and it is not meant as an insult to him it is just that some men have a hard time when attention is diverted from them ( like children) and with four young kids you too probally didnt have that much time together in the first place... He needs to understand that your baby is just that both of your baby and that he needs to take the same amount of responsability as you do ... maybe you guys could calmly sit down and talk about it maybe come to an aggrement that he will take some responsbility to maybe you could have turn like on monday night you get up with him and the next day he does so on and so forth , just well talking try not to get angry because that doesn't help..
Maybe if you too could find someone who was willing to take care of your kids once or twice a month ( maybe a grandparant?) you too could have a night alone to reconnect .
well I hope some of this help hang in there and good luck.

Answer 10

Experts say you cannot hold a newborn too much, so in that aspect you are absolutely right. He had no right to suggest that you are holding your baby too much.
Perhaps, however, he is feeling like the other children are being neglected and are jealous of the attention your baby is getting? Your husband may be trying to compensate for this by going to the other extreme.
I think as mothers, our expectations are probably too high. However I think it is reasonable for your husband to participate equally in the care of the child. Try sitting down with him to create a "baby chore" list. A suggestion: you get up with the baby Mon-Thur, he's do midnight duty Friday-Sunday. Make diaper duty every other day (he does one day, you do the next). Stuff like that. But be calm about it. Maybe even suggest that you need help, and want him to bond, and ask HIM to create the chore list. Good luck!

Answer 11

First of all holding your baby as much as possible is the best thing for a child that small. Newborns thrive when they feel secure and being that they have no way of 'knowing' you aren't going to leave them in a crib 'forever' holding them is the best way to build up a feeling of security.

Don't let anyone, not even his father, tell you that you are holding that baby too much.

As for the unequal parenting roles. When his first two little boys were born, I wonder how their biological mother acted. Is it possible that she wanted to do everything for herself and snapped at him for helping? (My own mom still gets angry when my father cleans up because he "does it wrong").

He is used to you as a mother of older boys, a newborn is a whole other animal and he just may not know how much help you need/want.

Communication is the key to making this work for everyone.