My 15 yo daugter has avoided me for more than a year, what can I do?

Question

About 18 months ago she messed up, was hanging out with bad friends, did some bad stuff, got disrespectful, lied. We had to be harsh and give a severe punishment. She apologized, said now she could understand she was wrong, promised to change. But I was very upset, hurt and even after the punishment it took me several months to trust her again. I told her flat out she'd have to regain my trust, this broke her spirit, she didn't expevt that. And I didn't know my trust was so important to her. She got in a deep depression, buy anyway I thought I should be firm, told her I understood how she felt but I needed actions, depression wouldn't solve the problem. She went to counseling, got out of her depression, but our relationship was destroyed. Seems the therapist helped her deal w/ that situation and regain her self-esteem, but she didn't tell her to make up w/ me. At school she found teachers who gave her great proofs of trust, everybody says she's a wonderful girl. But she avoids me

Yesterday we finally had an important talk. I told her I've always loved her and want her back. But she said I wasn't her mom when shs needed me most and can't get over what I did. She said we should keep a decet but distant and icy relationship while she leaves with me, but it's impossible to love me as before

Answer 1

She is playing you. You act like your the one that messed up. All through your topic you acted like you had done something to her. Sounds like she's using reverse psychology on you. Leave her alone and let her come to you. Silence is GOLDEN!!!!

Answer 2

she probably doesnt understand what it is she is supposed to do to regain your trust. You have to make it a resonable ordeal and give her a chance to regain your trust. You can start with something small like running an errand. Try leavin her home alone for a few hrs and see how she handles that. She IS only 15 so she doesnt know where to begin and of courst the therapist wouldn't tell her to or even how to make up with you because that isnt what she was there for. It wont be hard just as long as she sees you are giving her the opportunities to be back on good terms with you. Don't let her avoid you. You are her mother. Being a teen is very hard i'm sure u can remember so show her u are still there for her. You can do that and still stay firm in what you told her about regaining your trust, you just have to give her a chance to.

Answer 3

Ok Mom, what she is doing equates to emotional blackmail. You punished her, now she is punishing you. You might want to seek out another counselor(different one)to help deal with this little situation between the two of you. My oldest son decided to do something really dangerous and stupid when he turned 18. By the time his Dad and I had discovered he was in trouble, he had dug himself in so deep, it took years to dig him out. That was almost 7 years ago. I still have trouble trusting him. I love him, I would lay my life down for him, but I just don't trust him. Stick to your guns and don't let this spoiled baby of yours turn the tables on you. You are a good Mom and she is playing you! Just for the record, your relationship will NEVER be as it was. You have to find a new starting point and go from there.

Answer 4

Most 15 year old girls don't like there mother. I went through the same thing with my mother. Do not feel bad for punishing her and getting her professional help. She is manipulating you by not talking to you for getting her help. Stick to your guns mom. She will eventually turn around but it takes time. I would recommend getting involved with her teachers and stay on top of everything she does. I would highly recommend you 2 go to counseling together. It may help.

Give her some trust back though she may be feeling smothered.

Answer 5

Oh thats ********, you just punished her, kids get punished if they do wrong. This kid sounds messed up to me. The more you want her attention the more she's going to avoid you, so dont beg for her attention!
She's playing you, can't you see that?
She's a wonderful girl because of you--don't let anyone fool ya.
I think she will come around if not then you didn't do anything wrong. Unless the severe punishment was over the top--was it?
Anyways let it ride out this to shall pass.

Answer 6

Grow a pair and put her in her place. She is going to play the guilt card as long as she can. She's acting like a baby because you punished her instead of caving in and telling her everything is all right. You acted like a good parent when you punished her, now follow up on it and tell her you still stand by your decision. She will run back to you as soon as all these "friends" disappear from her life.

Answer 7

so sorry to hear this but i have to say, i don't see as you did anything wrong. i've had to do the same with my boys. they've had to earn trust back after they destroyed it. i'd do the same with anyone. have you gone to the therapist together? that may help. if she has that neutral person around she may open up some. hope all works out well. peace.

Answer 8

i am truly sorry to hear that, is a very sad situation you are living now, and i think is your turn now of get you girl back, by actions and of course always say you love her.
don't worry! how old is her?? 15??
this is a very difficult age, but everything is going to be ok, i used to be like that with my mom, and i realized in a very short term that she was the only reason in my life to pray for.
god bless and love to you and your beautiful daughter.

by the way!! stop paying counselors (you are the best person in the world to make your daughter understand things the way they are)

Answer 9

what i would do if i were you, i would talk to her and tell her that you trust her and love her very much and also tell her that you are there when ever she needs you.(i hope this works)