Why does she not see it?

Question

My fiance and I have been engaged since February 23. In March, we went to a wedding chapel to have our wedding priced. It ended up being almost $2800. A lot of that stuff could be taken off cause I don't have to have it. Since at the time I thought my parents were going to pay (it is tradition afterall), we discussed it with them. My mother said it was too much money to spend and tried talking us into having it at a church they had only been going to for a month or two. She said they would pay for the catering if we did it that way (their way).

My fiance knew I didn't want it that way. He also was all for doing the chapel thing since all the planning was taken care of. I didn't want to have it at their church. I'd never even been there. He started working more hours to help pay for it. Then my mom said to tell him not to, that it was their place.

Since then, every idea we've come up with has been shot down for whatever reason. My mom is aggrivated that we keep changing it.

What she doesn't understand is, she's the one who has been changing our minds. We had it all planned out to do it in my fiance's backyard. Then she said it would be too hot and that it would rain. We even had a backup plan in case it did.

I wish I would have never discussed any details with her now. I wish we would have just made decisions on our own. They have turned this special moment into a stressful situation.

What do we do?

In all honesty, I don't know what I want because I have never been to a wedding. I know it sounds bad, but every wedding my family has been invited to, we don't attend.

All I do know is, I don't want it to be big and expensive, I just want it to be simple and inexpensive. I just want the wedding planning to be over and for things to be set in stone. I'm tired of feeling like I've got to make everyone else happy. My fiance and I aren't even thinking about our own feelings. We are just thinking about whose feelings we'll hurt if they're not invited. It sucks.

Answer 1

I Always said if the wedding planning stops beig fun. Don't do it. Your mom has no say in this. If she wants to put in on the wedding that's fine. But it's your wedding and you only get one first wedding. do it right, or elope and cut everybody else out of it.

Answer 2

Well, it sounds like your mom is trying to take control of the situation. I myself have control issues and because of that I made every decision for my wedding and my parents ended up paying for it. However, looking back now I wish I would've given my mom some say. My suggestion is to sit your mom down and get her ideas for the wedding. Then comprise a list of your fiance and your ideas. Between you and your fiance decide what aspects of the wedding are most important to the both of you. Once you figure out that you will be able to see which areas (not so important to you) you could possibly use your moms ideas. That way she'll feel like she's being heard and everyone will have what's important to them on your special day. You have to remember too that mom's often want to change the things they didn't like about their own weddings, through your wedding.

Oh and before I forget...save yourself some stress by just paying for it yourself that way she can't hold the money over your head to get what she wants. However, even if you do pay for it yourself you should still incorporate some of her ideas.

Answer 3

You need to ask your mom if they are going to pay for part of the wedding and if so how much is their budget. Tell her you are going to plan it the way you want to because it is your wedding and although you appreciate her ideas, it is not what you want. If the money she gives you doesn't pay for everything the way you want then you and your fiance can cover the rest of it. You still have 8 months to finance it. This is your day and it should be what you want. Your mother got married a long time ago and she can't turn your wedding into what she wants. Be kind, but be blunt. If you give in to her then you are not going to be happy because you won't have the wedding you want. If she offers the money only on her terms then tell her "thank you, but we want our wedding our way and if you can't see that then we'll pay for it ourselves". Then tell her the money should not come with terms. Congrats on your marriage.

Answer 4

This is why I think it's important for people to pay at least in serious part for their own weddings: who's in charge of the purse strings makes a difference. While some parents are happy to simply sign checks for whatever their kids want, there's always one who can't allow the happy couple to have the day they want even if it's less expensive than what mom and dad had in mind.

If what you truly want is a backyard wedding, then thank your mother for her input and let her know you're going to pay for your own wedding...and then do it.

If you prefer the chapel, save up for it yourself. Less than $3000 is a very inexpensive wedding by today's standards.

If you just want mom and dad to be happy, then you're going to get married in their church which you don't want to do.

Someone's going to be unhappy with each of these decisions. You need to decide who it's going to be.

But I have to say, I think it's worth upsetting your mother a bit now to get the relationship on a more equal footing in the longrun.

Don't have someone else's wedding. You'll always regret it.

Answer 5

Just tell her you appriciate them wanting to pay, as in tradition, but you are getting stressed by here shooting down any idea you have. Tell her this is supposed to be a happy time for you and if you are stressed all the time it's not a happy time. Cut out everything you dont need at the chaple you want to get married in and then give her the price and see if it sways her, if not then tell her you and your fiance will take care of the wedding yourselves and if your parents still wish to contribute it would be much appriciated.

Answer 6

You should figure out how much you are able to put to this wedding. This will determine where you have it and how big or small it is. Do things according to what the two of you want, and hope that your mother is able to understand. In the end I am sure that she will contribute to what ever you choose. You just have to be stern in what you want and make it happen. Sometimes the mother thinks that she should plan it and it should be her way, you just need to let her know that you have your own image of what you want and this is what you intend to do. Just keep it within your means in case she decides not to contribute. Weddings are done all the time in backyards, and you can make them nice for pennies.

Answer 7

Start by asking how much, if any, your parents will be willing to contribute to the wedding. If they are willing to contribute, ask them if there are any particular items they want their money to go toward. For example, they may have $1000, and want all of it to go toward the catering.

Once you have this established, you can then move forward with the plans...Work with them on the items that they're contributing to, but leave them out of the decision making process on the other pieces. If your mother starts complaining, simply say, "Thanks for your input, Mom, but we need to be the final decision makers on this.", or "Mom, that's so sweet of you, I really value your opinions." and leave it at that. By keeping them involved in the piece that's "theirs", they shouldn't feel the need to speak up about the other pieces.

If they want to fund the entire wedding, then get a firm budget from them as to exactly what they are willing to spend. From there, you should be able to shop around for various vendors and services, and keep within the budget. Your best bet is to bring all of these to your mother as ideas, as opposed to firm plans. If she hears it from you as a suggestion, and isn't under the assumption that it's the hard and fast plan, she will be less aggravated about "changing" things, since they won't actually be changing...it will just be the development of ideas.

Answer 8

It is your wedding not hers, you shouldnt let her opinion keep you from having your wedding- just be prepared if they dont pay for stuff. Have your wedding where you want to, if you like the backyard idea and have a alternate plan if it rains or whatever then go with that- the opinion that matters are yours and your fiances.
*you should discuss with your parents if they will pay for things- so you know upfront if you are going to have to do it yourself. *

Answer 9

First of all getting married is going to be stressful no matter what. Second of all if they are paying you are going to have to compromise with them. I visited the church twice before I got married in it and I have never seen it again. I didn't care as long as it wasn't ugly and it fit everyone I wanted to be there. Don't loose sight of what is important, you are getting married, hopefully to the man you love. That is what really matters. If you really want the other place, make it happen, save up and pay for it yourself. Try talking to your mom. Maybe the reason she keeps changing her mind is because she is really just having a problem letting go of her "baby". Good luck and congrats!

Answer 10

Get a back bone and tell your mom that your not going to need her help after all and that you and your fiance decided to do it all by yourself. Even if you parents decided to help cover the cost of everything, it is not their job to do so. i notice you said it's tradition for her to pay. This is why she is giving you headache. people feel they can command you since they are giving you money. Thats why my fiance and I are paying for our whole wedding. All $45 thousand dollars of it. so no one can add anymore stress to our plans.