Holding a grudge...am I wrong to do so?

Question

My sister's husband and I had a heated discussion, in which he said some terrible nasties. (I did not raise my voice at all, or even say anything I would regret later)

They were things a person would not ever say to someone they considered a friend (which we were up to this point). He has not apologized (and does not plan to do so), which to me, says he meant every word.

My sister says to "let it go" and forget about it, but I refuse to pretend like it didn't happen. He is normally a difficult person, but we have always "put up" with him before.

I am upset with him for saying the nasty things he said, but am expected to forgive him and just act like normal. I refuse. I know I am being stubborn, but am I wrong to be holding a grudge for this?

Answer 1

Right or wrong isn't really the issue here. Do you want to hold onto the anger that's eating you up? I suspect he's going along his merry way not even thinking about what he said to you. If you continue to hold a grudge you're hurting only yourself. If you forgive him, you'll be able to let go of the tension and live your life more peacefully.

I know it's hard to forgive when someone says something hurtful. But if you forgive him for your own sake you'll be able to live your life more fully. Often when someone says something that's hurtful it's because they're not feeling very good about themselves. They lash out at someone else because they don't know what else to do and it helps them relieve some of their stress temporarily. Don't allow his shortcomings to become yours. His words can only hurt you if you allow them to.

Whether or not you continue to hold a grudge is your choice. But if you want to relieve the stress you're feeling right now, forgive him for your own sake.

Answer 2

I would look at what you hope to gain. It takes a great deal of effort to remain angry with someone. He's obviously immature and a boor. Is holding a grudge going to change that. If you believe he believes the things he said, how is him apologizing going to change that?

You have an opportunity here to be a bigger person. If the things he said were not true, then you have no reason to bother yourself with them.

For your sisters sake, if nothing else, let it go. This is exactly the kind of stuff that happens and 30yrs later, at the funeral, you are saying "Oh I don't even remember what the falling out was about". Life is too short for that nonsense. Its not your job to police someone else, and if he's done it before and gotten away with it, then shame on your family for putting up with it because that's what told him that it was ok.

Tell him that you don't appreciate what he said and he is never to speak to you like that again. Then drop it, don't ever bring it up again. If he starts in, leave and tell everyone why.

Answer 3

Your sister I belive would only ask you to forget about it only for the sake of everyone gatting along. But arguments come by everyone once in a while and most of the time we apologize for things we say.
People say nasty things during arguments because we can't think of anything REALLY good to point ot. But if an argument arises and comment directed at you were not apologized for or your brother in law doesn't seem to have any regret or remorse for saying what he said then it is very possible that he may have ment every word.
You could talk to you sister and ask her if it is ok if you and him go to lunch or at least have a one on one sit down (so that you don't cross any boundries) and not confront him but explain to him that what he said hurt. resolve what ever you were argueing over in the first place and be done with it.
But holding a grudge for what appears to be a genuine attack isn't wrong. But that of course is my own way I would handle it.

Answer 4

You know in reality holding a grudge only harms you more than anyone else. It also makes you look like the bad guy, besides, what is doing to happen if you hold this grudge for 2 years?

You will be stressed, look and appear angry at the world, and today life is stressful enough.

I say let it go, act like yourself again, you don't have to be as accepting of him, you can be nice, friendly, but I wouldn't go out of my way with him.

I would never bring it up again, it is in the past, the past cannot be changed, take that step forward and live for today!

You will be much happier, and in all honesty your letting him get to you every day by holding this grudge!

Take care of yourself.

Answer 5

Whether you are right or wrong is irrelavent. If you need to hold the grudge until you are feeling better about the situation with him then that is what you should do. I like holding grudges, they are so warm and fuzzy.

If the nasty things he said were of a personal nature then it is normal to hold a grudge. If they were unimportant things such as how bad a paticular food tastes then you should probably think about ending the grudge.

Answer 6

Since you did not go into detail as to what he did say to you I'm not really sure how to answer. I would say that if what he said did hurt you that much then you have every right to be angry and expect an apology from him. Tell your sister that you will "let it go" if and only if he apologizes for being such an insensitive jerk. Just because a person is family does not give them the right to do ugly things to you and expect you to just put up with it.

Answer 7

It isn't "wrong" in the sense that wedding police will lock you up. However, it's not "right" either. A reception is for people who attended your wedding to have the opportunity to celebrate your new marriage with you. So a reception before the wedding isn't a reception. What you are wanting is a party with your family and friends. Have some of these close friends and family help you with the arrangements, and see what they think about the potluck idea. I'm sure they'll be willing to take your idea and work with it. And you can have a great big party you want without being tacky.

Answer 8

I understand where you are coming from. Grudges are hard to let go, and especially when something very offensive happens such as the encounter that you had. I know it is hard but i find that it is best to at least try not to hold the grudge. I am not saying that you should act like nothing ever happened but just try to not hold that grudge. If that guy wants to let people think negatively about him like you do then let him. If you want, just try my advice, because, then at least you can say that you tried.

Answer 9

For your sake, you have to let it go. He sounds like a mean SOB. The things he said were meant to hurt you. Why, I don't know, but my therapist would say that he's addicted to being angry and mean. None of have to put up with this crap, and it's time you all start to stand up to him and tell him that his behavior is unacceptable and disrespectful and that you expect better treatment. What you do if you don't get it is another question, since he is part of your family. We get tired of laughing this stuff off or walking away. Who do they think they are any way.

Answer 10

No, but I usually will write a letter and put all of my thoughts and feelings down and agree with myself that I will let it go.

You don't have to pretend to like him from here on out, but don't hold the grudge, you're only hurting yourself. From the way he acts. .. his will come around. Just do stuff with your sister outside of the home (if he's there) or over your house.
and ignore him when you go over her hse to visit.