20 answers or more please!!! sorry same ? a little more detail.. Spoiled or normal 4 yr. old?

Question

The parents have been divorced a year. I have been the bf for 8 months. they have excact split costudy. 2 days on 2 days off. only child..A kid is a very new thing to me.. I personally think his dad lets him get away with everything. And me and the mom try to set boundries. If he doesnt get his way he throws a fit/tantrum/cries/sometimes hits. we have taken the sugar away. GF has given me permission to start disciplining him. the extent of it for me is, if he is acting up i tell him to stop...I dont do the time outs or anything, no yelling. He wakes up in the middle of the night crying for his t.v. which was taken away because of his behavior. normally loud. runs off. cant stay still. hits his friends. screams and cries during timeout chair thing. yells at his mom. And rare but on some days he is good. I dont know how to deal. or what to do. tips of dealing with him please?

Answer 1

Mostly normal for a 4-yr-old who has been through all these changes.

The 2-days on, 2-days off is ridiculous. He is a SMALL CHILD, for crying out loud. That's WAY too many transitions in one week. My brother-in-law and his ex tried 1/2 weeks with their 4-year old and THAT was too much. They switched to full week on, full week off for her sake and she settled down a LOT. And once dad has him for a full week, the whole "Disneyland Dad" thing will end in a hurry, believe me.

He's probably been molly-coddled too much because everybody felt bad for him because the parents divorced. It will take time. Don't expect him to get it all down pat in a month or two. Everybody needs to work with him to teach him self-control, which comes gradually over time and is practically non-existent in most 4-yr-olds.

Don't spank unless you want to teach him that hitting is only okay if the hitter is bigger and stronger than the one being hit.

Time-outs are fine. Putting toys/tv in time out also fine.

Give him simple responsibilities (pick up toys, carry plate to sink after meals, throw dirty clothing in the laundry, feed the pets). Reward him every time he does something right with a compliment on how hard he is working and a hug.

Be patient! It will probably take a year to fix the damage and several more years to shape him into the person he wants and needs to be.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I've heard of a famous behavioral therapist on the radio, he has this thing called "the total transformation" online...it claims it will completely reverse a child's behavior with no hitting or yelling, so if it works, sounds like a sweet deal. Check it out on google, or something. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Divorces are extremely hard on kids...I acted out when my mom divorced my dad. I couldn't stand her new bf. I hated him...nothing personal having to do with him..it was just the fact that he wasn't my daddy. You should take him to see someone like a counselor. He may even need medication. Good luck. I know it's hard! Email me anytime.

Answer 5

Looks like u guys need Supernanny.....or as my dad would say give him a can of whoopass....Maybe the kids dad lets him get away with a lot because he doesn't want to have to deal with him...and try having the mom talk to her ex....and say how he has been acting with you two and you think he needs help.

Answer 6

A good butt whipping would be normal.. I would say hes probably spoiled being an only child and he needs some direction..

Answer 7

TIP: Mind your own business, he's not your kid. If you don't like it, find a girlfriends without kids!

Answer 8

Sounds like an unhappy 4 yr old to me. Four is a tough age - normally. They are now able to recognize and express pretty much all their physical needs. But they are not yet good at knowing the difference in a need or a want, and emotional needs are still confusing and difficult to express. Young children need a lot of consistency to feel safe and secure (something which is going to be more difficult when he is shuffled back and forth every 2 days). 4 year olds notice and try out a lot of new things, including new behaviors, often in ways that are too extreme or otherwise not appropriate. They often get very frustrated with how little control they have over their world - which is one reason super-heroes are so popular with this age. Compare that with how much control this kid has over his world:
- he could not control Mom & Dad getting divorced (and maybe could not control them fighting before that)
-he could not make them be a happy family (something every kid naturally wants)
- At 4, he probably cannot express all the confusing, sometimes conflicting emotions he has about each parent
- he could not control Mom having a BF (maybe cannot control the conflicting emotions of liking the BF at the same time that he doesn't like the changes in his life)
- he cannot control where he sleeps each night and his 'home' changes every 2 days
- IF it is true that Dad sets no limits, the 4 yr old is likely to feel insecure and confused by that, too (however, just the fact that Dad's expectations are different than yours or Mom's can cause similar problems)
- This kid has no control over what the adults at each 'home' say about the other (and probably doesn't understand or know how to express how things like that make him feel)
So, let him be in control of some things and make some of his own decisions (like where to put his toys, which shoes to wear, who will read bedtime stories, whether to wear his hat or carry it, etc.). Then, when you need to control other things, it's okay for him to be upset, but you calmly insist that this is an adult decision.

It is also quite normal for a 4 year old to struggle with controlling his emotions and actions. My oldest son had more tantrums or fits and problems with hitting at 4 than he ever did at 2. Every kindergarten class in the country deals with a few incidents of a child hitting, kicking, or biting another child. (Doesn't mean it's okay, just normal.) 4 yr olds are just beginning to learn how to deal with conflicts verbally (and positively) and how to express their emotions without violence. But that learning process continues for years.

As far as the TV, unless he used to watch TV when he woke up in the middle of the night, he is probably waking up for other reasons. He does not understand and cannot put into words everything that is bothering him. He may not feel comfortable trying to talk about whatever is in his dreams or on his mind because no matter how kind and understanding you are, you being there brings up other difficult emotions. He also may have some feelings of not wanting to like you too much because maybe you will leave too. Or he could wonder if Mom might decide she doesn't want him anymore. Other than that, losing TV privileges is a good consequence for specific behaviors that he can control; don't just give it back because he cries about it.

A COUPLE PRACTICAL IDEAS THAT MIGHT HELP YOU:
- When he is misbehaving, try calling his name calmly to get his attention firstt, or if needed, move in front of him or gently touch his shoulder. Then state what he is doing and why that is a problem, then suggest 1 or 2 other ways that he could do something similar but more appropriate. For example, if he is playing in the dishwater and getting the floor wet, you might suggest that he help you wipe up the water and then you'll get him a plastic bin or bucket with some soapy water that he can play with outside. If he insists on dumping out a huge box of markers (or cars or whatever), try giving him a smaller empty box and letting him decide which ones he will use the most, to put in that box, while all the rest stay in the larger box, not all over the floor.
- Remember to stay calm and speak to him the way you want him to speak to you. It is much more effective if you continue to speak in a calm, quiet tone, no matter how loud or upset he gets. Two of you out of control won't solve anything, but seeing you stay in control of your own words and actions may help him learn to control himself more. Getting down on his level (but NOT in his face) to talk to him can help him to focus on what you are saying and help him not feel intimidated or more powerless.
- Pay attention sometimes specifically to him (especially when he is being good). This does not need to be a big deal or an outing; just a couple minutes at a time. Like if he is building with blocks, take a minute to admire what he is building. If he starts to tell you more, stay and listen for a couple minutes. If he responds rudely, let him know it is okay if he doesn't want you to watch or stay there, but give him an example of a nicer way to say that. Then go on about your business. If he rudely expresses his feelings, someone can help him learn better ways to express how he feels. But he also needs someone to understand accept how he feels and help him figure out how to deal with it.
- Since you are a somewhat new adult for this child (at least new as an authority for him), I would say you want to be especially consistent with what is okay and what is not (and willing to explain why). Even though you have Mom's okay to discipline, try to adjust your expectations or rules to match Mom's as much as possible.
- Since you say kids in general are new to you, I included links to a couple web pages with good info about the development of 4-5 yr olds. Also one of the parenting books I liked was "Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down."
- Because it is a good idea for any age, try notice little things he does right (puts his shoes away, washes his hands without arguing, remembers to turn off the bathroom light, etc.) and say thank you - or point them out to Mom when he is around.
- Be patient with him and with yourself.
He's not a spoiled brat, and you are not a mean intruder who keeps Daddy from coming back. All relationships take some work, and neither of you exactly chose this one, so it may take a little more work.
- And, last but not least, don't rule out the possibility of some form of counseling or maybe play therapy. He does not sound, to me, like he has any major mental-health problems, and your approach so far sounds fairly mature and reasonable, but all children behave better when they are happy with themselves and feel safe and secure with their world. Anything you can do to help with that will be good for everyone.