How do I get my Mother in Law to respect me???

Question

My mother in law was great until we got married. The next day everything changed. She had an event planned with all the groomsmen and I was not invited (the day after my wedding). That is where it all started. She plans every vacation day my family has, She calls me to thank me for gifts I buy my husband, she has stollen some of our wedding presents, she went through my boxes after we got married and took some of the stuff, and she refuses to call or write me by my name. I kept my last name when we got married. I did not know that it was going to be that big of a deal. I just wanted to keep my fathers name. She has sent me checks for my birthday in a differnet name and I am sure you know I cannot cash them. She sends Christmas presents and tells people my name is different than it is. I have been letting this go for years. I am just sick of dealing with the entire matter. I use to be able to let it go, but it has just gotten too much. She isn't respecting me and I am not respecting myself for just taking it. How do I stop it?

She admited taking the wedding presents and tried to give us a check for them. She also admitted going through our boxes. She is honest when she gets caught.

Everyone new I was keeping my name before we got married. I decided to to this when I was a teenager. That was over 20 years ago. She has been the only person that is not happy about this.

Answer 1

I feel for you.

I am going thru a shitty time and I haven't even married my bf of 6 years yet. (we've been engaged but I am seriouslt thinking about whether I should take the plunge or not).

But my sweetie finally decided that moving out of state would be for our best interest (I have been trying to convince him for years)... so that's kinda cool for me...

goodluck

Answer 2

You didn't like the fact, that she planned an event for the groomsmen and you weren't invited and everything started at this point. Honestly, why would she invite you to a groomsmen event? You were just married and were supposed to be on your honeymoon. Why didn't you confront her back than, when she stole your wedding presents? Did you actually see her steeling the presents? Does your husband know about this? Why don't you plan your own vacation days and let her know, that you already have made plans? Why don't you send the checks back to her and ask her to please write down the correct name and thank her for her generosity? Are you sure, she knows that you didn't chance your name? Open communication is the best way to get this resolved. It really doesn't sound that bad and you both can resolve this for your husbands sake.
I have read your additional comments. I just have to say in that case screw her. Stay as far away as possible. If she doesn't return the wedding presents than you should tell her you will call the police on her. She needs to earn respect just don't give it to her. Tell her, that it is not necessary for her to send you checks, instead she should by herself a gift instead of stealing it from you. She is evil.

Answer 3

You are putting to much into what she has to say. If you want to keep your name then keep it. I am married and did not change my name. I have friends who only use the married name when it pertains to the children and school. My mother in law made a comment that I did not change my name and I told her very nicely I am not interested in changing my name now and it is not up for discussion. She then went and started with her son on (the name topic) he told her that it is not her place to say anything and he was not interested in hearing it. Also where is your husband while all this drama is going on? He should be setting everything right as it is his mother. But, again another son who sits by and allows this to spin out of control rather then have peace. I am sure you would just like her to stop with the drama of the name and she should not be planing your vacation as your husband should tell his mom if you have other plans that you both can not make it and make other arrangements for another time.

As far as her steal ling gifts, that shows character, morals, values. This person has none so don't be upset with her behavior as what kind of person acts like this.

Answer 4

Wow! She sounds quite the loon.

Unfortunately, you can't change other people.

You could try having your hubby speak to her, letting her know that NONE of the checks she's EVER made out to the wrong name are cashable, among some of the other things that bother you. (Maybe he can suggest she make furture gift checks out to him.)

The only choices you have are to not have anything to do with her (which breaks up the family, and isn't recommended), or to try to see her differently.

If you can manage to get a sense of humor about her (not easy, but, frankly, her behavior is pretty laughable -- try to think of her as though you were watching a wacky comedy TV show that she was a character in), she won't bother you so much.

The only way to deal with transgressions is to calmly and politely point them out to her: You've forgotten my name again; my name is [insert your name here]. I would appreciate your remembering it in the future.

That sort of thing, said quietly, might get an apology.

It's really up to you whether she gets to you.

Look at it this way, if she gets to you, SHE wins; if you laugh it off, YOU win.

Driving you crazy is what she's after here.

If it doesn't bother you, that will drive HER crazy.

If you have a friend with a great and silly sense of humor, use that friend to help you get some laughs out of all of this ridiculous behavior. I mean, she almost sounds like a little kid with some of this stuff.

Sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear, but it's just not the case that people can change other people, especially their mothers-in-law.

When you feel yourself reacting, remind yourself "If I can laugh at her absurdity, _I_ win." Then look at the silly side of what she's just done.

Edit after realizing I didn't address the vacation part.

Why do you allow this? She can't force you to do anything. You and hubby need to plan your own vacations, or at least some of them.

If hubby doesn't get this, then you have a very serious problem with your marriage.

Answer 5

she is TRYING to piss you off. she claims her boy. she either knows exactly how to push your buttons and is really smart and evil, or she's as ignorant as they come. bad things happen to bad people. her time will come. you don't need to do a thing. but, you may need to stop her dead in her tracks. eliminate communication. if you want a change only YOU have the power to control it and be happy. YOU stop her if she won't on her own. close that door. extreme situations call for extreme measures. Honestly, she probably never will give you respect. Some poeple just don't get it. Leave it alone, find peace for yourself and your family. It takes a lot of energy to plot such mean things. Don't loose sleep dealing with it. She burned that bridge on her own if you've tried already to make peace with her. Just feel sorry for her for pushing people away. She might realize one day when it's too late. Looking for solution? Just know that there might not be one. Always give a second chance though. If you have, close the book, and be happy! Life is too short.

Answer 6

A just-married woman keeping her own name is highly unusual; so much so that you should have discussed it with your husband's family and explained your reasons. Most husbands-to-be would be highly offended if their
betrothed told him that she did not intend taking his name after marriage. As for the theft of your wedding presents, you should really talk to your husband. Although not directly responsible for his mother's behavior, he should take some significant responsiblity in resolving the matter. If it happens that your husband cannot see that his mother has done anything wrong, then you should either be prepared to stick it out or else consider a divorce

Answer 7

What does your husband think of this situation? Why did you have to wait to be invited to the day after party with the groomsmen & Your husband, You SHOULD JUST HAVE WENT ALONG....... Call her or go to her, in person, state you want your wedding gifts back, or your going to involve the authorities, Yes, Call the Police...... or call Dr. Phil and bring her azz on his show, he'll put her in her place!!!!

Answer 8

Hi there...

I really only have these words for you...
Your Husband should be dealing with this on your behalf. He married you and should be assuming the proper role as head of your household.


I'm pretty sure that a lot more is hiding within these details but I have to tell you that much of what she has done is actually criminal in nature.

For example, if your name is legally your father's name then she must send items to you in that fashion. If she is mailing these items, the postal service cannot legally deliver them to you (and you cannot legally open them believe it or not).

You probably can't win but you can at least find the common ground and grow from there!

Blessings to you!

Answer 9

First of all, this is your husband's problem. He should deal with it. Secondly when it directly affects you and you are confronted with lack of respect, don't let it go. I did for years to keep peace in the family and it never worked. The family imploded anyway. So keep your dignity. You can tell her where the line is in a respectful but firm manner. And that is the way to deal with bullies...cause she is one!!
Would that I had the chance to retrace my own steps...I would do this in a heartbeat!

Answer 10

Your husband should take up for you! Thats the first step. He should step in and let her know how you feel. If that doesn't work, than you should bring out a new attitude towards her. Maybe eventually she will get the idea. My mother-n-law isn't the best, but she has gotten better since my husband had to step in one day!