Ladies....really seeking your wisdom on this one...?

Question

I dated a woman who was s3xually abused by her oldest brother as a little girl. She also had a long series of abusive relationships. I was her friend for 20 yrs. and dated her for 14 mos. We never had s3x. It was a real struggle because she could be verbally & physically abusive. I really tried to be understanding and sensitive, but it never seemed to make it any better. She would accuse me of being s3xually inappropriate in conversations, etc..No other GF has ever said this about me. Anyway, she freaked out on me and told me that she was "cutting ties" with me--accusing me of saying s3xually inappropriate stuff OVER A YR. AGO! After 4 mos. of no contact, I wrote her and emailed her, but she has not responded. I was on the path of trying to heal from all of this, but I found out she told other women I know that I am a "Peeping Tom" and other totally crazy things that are not true and never happened...Again, we never had s3x...I've never been in a situation like this...This is crazy....

It’s really painful and now scary. I have even considered consulting a lawyer about suing for slander and libel. I definitely feel deeply betrayed…Believe me—if I knew this was going to happen, I would have never gone out with her. I just thought that everybody has their stuff, and it can be worked out. I never realized how serious an abusive past can be. I still feel sorry for her a little—but now I am the one who is being targeted and persecuted. Women who have known me for years are starting to have doubts about me. I feel powerless and really frustrated. It’s like if I speak up about this and desire the truth to come out—it will be a mess. If I stay quiet and just let it ride out—it will be a mess. What should I do?

Answer 1

The very best thing you can do at this point in time is to sever all contact with her. This is for your own protection in case you are accused of anything further by her.

Understand that this has very little to do with you and a whole lot to do with the trauma of her being abused. It is very common for females who are abused as children to develope a personality disorder, bipolar tendencies, PTSD, and mental disorders. There is no way for you to help her with this, so better that you keep your distance. (one of the things that someone with Borderline Personality Disorder will do is find sexual overtones in innocuous things and this is the most prevelant of the disorders).

If anyone questions you as to the accusations she has made, refer to the above!

Remember--CYA--Cover your A** on this type of situation!

Answer 2

Regardless of the outcome...you should look for a professional therapist to talk with. People (men or women) don't stay in abusive relationships...unless they're dealing w/ their own issues or demons. In your case, (like sooooo many others) you were actually trying to hold on to the abusive relationship even after it was over. That is NOT GOOD!

You not only tolerated a sexless...physically and verbally abusive relationship for 14 months...you want to go back for more???!!! And despite the quasi-legal question you've asked here....deep down inside you still want her back...don't you??

You'll probably want to disagree...but it seems pretty clear, this situation didn't arise because you're "understanding and sensitive"... that's a complete fallacy. Sincerely, it sounds like you're dealing w/ some serious co-dependency issues ...which ultimately is more important to address than this messed up situation w/ your ex.

As for her...do your best to just let it go, and focus on yourself. You can talk to a lawyer...but he or she will tell you that unless this woman is really going out of her way (calling your boss, your family, your co-workers) actively trying to discredit you...or cause you harm...you don't have much of a case.

She's allowed her opinion of you right or wrong. Telling a friend that you're a "peeping tom" or similar (unless there is a LOT MORE going on that you indicated) won't be proper grounds for a lawsuit...how exactly have you been damaged??

If your "friends" are looking at you differently...or suspicious of you based solely on what she's said...even after hearing your side they aren't very good friends.

If it persists, I would call her or email her and tell her that you don't appreciate her spreading falsehoods about you...and let her know you've considered legal action, but would prefer not to go that route. I would also be very upfront w/ her that if she continues you'll have to help your mutual friends understand...in great detail... all the bad things that happened w/ her brother and how it left her w/ this skewed perception of you and of reality.

Good Luck!!

Answer 3

She needs to seek some professional help. And don't let her lie about you to others. Maybe a lawyer is going a little to far, but she can ruin your life with a few well placed words. Confront her about what she's saying to others. Tell her that if she doesn't stop you WILL be forced to contact a lawyer about it. I'm sure she doesn't want a long, drawn-out process to be started by her obviously deranged behavior. And follow through if she doesn't recant. In school, it's all right to say "sticks and stones" and all that jazz, but in the grown-up world, it can really devastate someone both financially and emotionally for someone to slander them. Stick up for yourself, and see if you can talk her into getting some psychiatric help,

Answer 4

Leave the crazy woman alone first and foremost. She needs help and she needs to be able to seek that out. Hurt people hurt people and she wants the attention and right now it is at the cost of your integrity and stability but she will run you through the hot coals until she is stopped. I trust that you can talk to an attorney to have her stopped at all of this malicious behaviour because it sounds as though she has never healed but continues to mask her pain. If you don't want to seek out the attorney to clear your name, you can ride out the storm because 9 times out of 10 the more you explain it the more guilty you will look. Going through this process though you need a good counselor and a trusting confidential friend that you can lean on and share with. I am sorry for all of the drama, but it too will pass.

Answer 5

Okay, first off. Keep in mind of ALL the things she has went thorugh in life. It is a strong possibility that she may have some trust issues...especially towards men. You cant even imagine the sexy and dirty remarks she's heard from the men that violated her in her life...that is why she maybe act like that when you say such things. Be easy on her, give her time. If she wants to go, let her go. However, please keep in mind that she has been through a lot a needs someone to literally BREAK that wall...that barrier so that she can finally live her like fully. Good luck. :-)

Answer 6

hmm. she definitely sounds delusional. i think you should recommend a great psychiatrist, let your friends know how unstable she is, and if here constant bad talking has not affected your career, i wouldn't sue. But stay away from her. She sounds like a ticking time bomb. BACK AWAY!! RUN!!! I think cutting ties is what is best for you. It's awful what she has had to go through, but it is not YOUR responsibility to fix her life, that's hers. You don't need her problems, i am sure you have some of your own! Chin up, you learned your lesson... MOVE ON.

Answer 7

I search knowledge from the ones I don't forget smart, comparable to Nietzcshe, Socrates, Immanuel Kant and 1000's extra. In flip those guys, and in many instances ladies (surprise/horror), take their knowledge from rationale, expertise and the emprical international. It's a first-class course to tread.

Answer 8

Just because she WAS abused does not give her a god given right to wrongly accuse innocent people of it! If i were you i would go to a legal advisor and pursue sueing for slander! it is not right that she should f*ck you up after you have done nothing!

Answer 9

This girl obviously is having a hard time dealing with her past. She needs to get into some therapy were she can talk to someone (a psychiatrist/ psychologist) to deal with these issues from her past. You may want to seek some legal advice as well since she is slandering your name.

Answer 10

hey she has been wounded ,, her sexual abuse had got to her,,, i mean she needs help and a place to hang on to, be that person without losing your own life, if she leaves u after feeling better then she will drain u all of your emotions too, how i know ? i been there and done that, sometimes ppl are stronger then you think,, so lend a support but never get involved in her emotions because she needs you to be strong,,,, and be prepared to be leaved just in case she uses you as a support ......