Help please!?

Question

I am in a mess. I was living with my hubby and my 22 month old in a sweet world of my own. I thought why not utilise this free time I have and I joined a correspondence course so that I will be employable by the time my toddler begins schooling. I study when my toddler sleeps. Recently my mother in law moved in to stay with us. She has been abused by her husband for the last 35 years. She has also taken it all silently like some dumb cow. Last time when it happened, her younger son decided it was enough and brought her to live with us. Ever since she has come, she has been keeping this sad face around the house. I've tried my best to cheer her up. I basically don't like her as I like women with guts. She expects us women to treat our husbands as Gods. She doesn't like it when my man helps me around in the house. Now MIL has taken over my baby by bringing her all sweets, chocolates, juices, lays etc. I rarely give her all that as I don't consider junk good for her.

MIL takes her out whenever she cries. This has kind of spoilt her. My toddler has now realised that she can get away with anything. Also that it is OK to throw tantrums as she will get attention from her granny. I used to ignore her tantrums because of which her tantrum throwing had come down greatly. Now it has doubled. Head banging, crying pointlessly, not listening to others has become a routine. MIL says that she cannot stand her doing all this and that I must have a stone heart to not lift her during those times. Now my toddler does not want me. I weaned her off my breast completely a few days ago as I was diagonosed with PCOD and have started taking medication for that. Ever since then that woman has really bribed my baby. She does not even want to see me. She sleeps with me thats it. She cries when I try to lift or hug her. And runs away from me. I had a fixed routine for her, but MIL has spoilt her. My toddler wants to go out in the sun and drink cola and MIL takes her and buys

I am already disturbed as this woman has spoilt the peace in my house. I dont scold her as she begins crying even when my baby bangs her head. I need help. My husband tells me to take control but that leaves me with a sobbing MIL and a wailing baby. I am depressed because of all this. Please tell me what to do. I have this urge to grab my baby from MIL and run away somewhere. My studies have taken a backseat and my health is also going down. My daughter doesn't even want to look at me and my MIL thinks I am an Ogre.

Answer 1

This is one of the exceptional case where I see a daughter in law not happy with her mother in law who is quite type of lady & taking full care of the small baby although exposing the baby to all sort of chocolates, juices, sweets, lay etc as these are junk food according to the daughter in law. Just this morning I was reading a news story about a young married lady who came out semi nude in her underwear’s in public in order to protest against the physical & mental harassment by her husband & in laws for dowry demand & her bearing a girl child in India. Sometime I feel just answerless for such extreme cases on one side the height of harassment & on other side love. The person who is harassed is definitely not happy but here a person getting love & care for her child is also not happy. What I can suggest you is to sit with your old MIL & explain her that such junk food is not good for the child's development & it will affect the proper growth of the child as well spoil the eating habits of the child, rather the child should be given only proper balanced diet that is prescribed by the doctors & dietitians, hope this will make your MIL understand & she will do the necessary in future, thus make you happy & satisfied.

Answer 2

It's hard. In some ways you're going to have to give her some space. I kind of gather you are not overly fond of your MIL. But you haven't been in her shoes. She's had it rough and you don't know what it's been like for her.
As far as some of the things she has been doing around your home, such as criticizing you letting your husband help and taking over with your child I would agree you do need to do something. This is your home after all, not hers. You are doing her a favor by having her in your home and don't deserve to have it taken over.
I'd say before you talk to her sit and talk with your husband. Make some decisions together on what to do about it so you both are in agreement and unified in the process. Set some boundaries and maybe also find some ways that she can help as well. The most important thing is that she know while you and your husband do love her and want to be there for her the two of you are in agreement on these issues and that is not going to change. I hope this helps.
She really doesn't want your husband helping? Man, she'd go crazy in my house. I love helping out my wife and hate leaving the house a mess before I leave for work. Also I love to cook. I can make some of the best food you've ever had. I think your MIL would be very jealous.

Answer 3

Point 1 - Stop thinking that you are in a mess.
Point 2 - Talk to your MIL and educate her on the ill effects regarding the junk food that she has introduced to your baby. You would need to put an end to this act immediately because it can have an adverse effect on the baby. If your MIL does not respond positively to your talk, take help of your hubby ask him to explain to his mom how it would affect the baby.
Point 3 –As you are studying you would need a calm atmosphere at home, so you would need to talk to your hubby and ask him to request his mother to be more co-operative with you.
You would need to do all this in a gentle manner because strong words and harsh reaction definitely do not solve the problem.

I really feel sad for your situation. Take your MIL along with you when you meet your baby’s pediatrician, who can talk to her about the negative effects of Junk food that she has been feeding your baby. Secondly you need to divert your kids mind to something attractive. I guess the kid is attracted to the package and taste – so with little bit of experiment you can get some healthy food attractively packaged so that the baby eats full and does not crave for outside food.
It is time you put in a bit of effort and divert the kid’s attention from food. To do this - observe his/her and find out what interests your kid apart from food try to introduce colors, crayons, most of the babies love water – you can introduce some water games. Introduce her to some gismos (keyboard is the best) that would keep her involved for a long time.
Reward and Punishment works aptly on ever kid. Punish but don’t be harsh – don’t show your anger by yelling or beating her instead move her and move away or just say a stern NO. Try to appreciate and reward - YES you NEED to reward her with something that she likes – It can be food like small piece of chikkies or something that is healthy or it can be something she likes to play with. Some kids are even happy with a hug and kiss.
Note: Make it a point to reward very positive move your baby does. Your MIL could have got close to her using the same technique; there are chances that she would appreciate even her wrong move, so now you need to guide your baby so that you don’t get a spoilt kid.
Try involving her in game - teach her names of things in the house later ask her to locate them for you appreciate every correct item and Rewards her at the end of the game. Make it a routine and make it innovative so that the kid is curious and she looks forward being with you than your MIL.

Answer 4

Your views on life and your plans for the future assure that you are a person sure to win and not to despair
Family relations are made of silken threads and demand great care in their solutions..You have very ably presented the picture as you see it. For the best solution, raise yourself up a little and view it form your MIL's side.Compare notes . You will find a few common grounds and some or more conflict areas. Build up on common grounds of agreemnent. You will get the best solution.

Answer 5

First of all, you have to remember that your Mother in law was raised in a different time than you. She was told that she was supposed to stay married and take it. You can't blame her, but you should feel sorry for her. You should also explain to her that you love the fact that she wants to take an active role as a grandmother and help you care for the baby, but to please not give the baby sweets, and that you prefer to give her healthy snacks. Just explain that if she would like to give her a treat, to please ask you first. Then take the extra time you have, with her taking care of the baby to use it to study and do some nice things for you!

Answer 6

your MIL was abused by FIL for 35 years but now you know she deserved it . so make yourself collected and go to your mothers house for some months till your MIL changes her mental thinking towards you and your husband as well her behaviour to your toddler.

Answer 7

I think you have made mistake. You have not given proper attention and time to your child.By the time she got all these love from your mother in law. But, now it seems that she became indiscipline. So, if want better life for her my advise is to sent her hostel for study

Answer 8

tell your mil that you respect her as your mil and she needs to respect you as the baby's mother and allow you to attend to your child the way you see fit