Competing with grandma??

Question

My daughter is 4 half years old and everytime she goes over to my moms house (grandmas) she gets everything she wants. I mean everything. She will go through walmart buy her candy and snacks clothes, and still buy her a barbie and a doll if she wants it. She's completely spoiled when shes over there. If my mother doesnt give into what she wants she throws a huge fit. Lately I think my mom has been trying to persuade her to come live with her. Out of no where the other day when my mom calls shes like adrianne said she wants to come live with me. I let her take adrianne overnight last night because i was planning on getting her back so we could do 4th of july stuff together and they could do it the day before..but now my mother just texted me saying adrianne said she wants to stay 3 days with me....ill call you in a few days. How do i quit competing with granny and make it to where my daughter does want to come home???! Shes never told me to my face or over the phone she doesnt want to

Answer 1

If all you have to worry about is your mother giving your daughter too many things and undermining your discipline, then count yourself lucky. It may not seem that way right now, but there are many worse situations.

Politely thank your mother for being so generous and loving. Thank her again for watching your daughter and giving you so much free time. Then gently explain that you miss your child so much you want to keep her home for a while.

Don't compete, as they will see it as you interfering with their relationship. But it's okay to keep visits infrequent and short enough that it's a special treat for them both. Make arrangements for your daughter to be busy with you, friends, or other activities at least every other weekend. This way you're not rude, just very busy.

Your daughter will know how much you love and cherish her, and your mother will gradually understand that your daughter lives by your rules, not hers. Hopefully she may even learn to respect that.

Answer 2

I am a grandmother of three beautiful granddaughters (12yrs, 17mos and 1mo). At 4.5 years old, where the child lives isn't determined by anyone but you. It is not a topic for discussion, nor should your mom be encouraging it. I know grandparents have a difficult time saying no to their grandchildren, but you need to draw the line somewhere. Let your mom know that you don't approve of her giving your daughter everything she sees. Tell her it's undermining your authority and needs to stop. I'm not quite sure why your mother is attempting to "buy" your daughter's affections, or give her the impression that she can come live with her. Text or no text, call your mom and tell her you will be there to pick up "your" daughter. You decide when you are getting a 4.5-year old. Nor am I quite sure why your mother is treating you so shabbily, or why she feels you are incapable of raising your own daughter. Set some rules and tell her that you love her but she's interfering. She might be peeved, but won't stop loving you for being honest with her. Otherwise, I suggest limiting your daughters overnite stays with your mom and being specific about when you will get her. You as the parent are allowed to say when enough is enough. Do not relent when your mom attempts to manipulate you and the situation. Give her lots of time to visit in your home or when you go out.

Answer 3

You need to GO GET YOUR CHILD. It's not your daughter's fault. Of course she wants to stay somewhere she can have any and everything she wants.
Tell your mother she is out of line and you will only allow unsupervised visits if she follows YOUR rules. If she doesn't, then stop the visits. Explain (nicely) that her being lax on the rules and spoiling your daughter is causing problems. This could turn into a really bad problem when your daughter is older.

I will never understand why some grandparents think it is their God-given right to spoil a child senseless, no matter the consequences, just because they are the grandparent.

Answer 4

Don't let her control things. YOU are the MOTHER and SHE is the GRANDMA. Tell your mom that your daughter needs to come home and be with you. It will be hard but you have to make it clear if that means limiting the time she spends at Grandma's house then that's what it has to be. Get your daughter involved in activities or with friends so she won't want to go to Grandma's so much or it'll be harder because she's involved in something. My mother-in-law goes nuts with my daughter sometimes-it's hard cause we live with her. At the dinner table she'll just plop more food on my daughter's plate w/o asking if she can have more. Try hard not to scream. Especially in front of your daughter.

Answer 5

I think it is a grandparent's job to spoil, just like it is a parent's job to set limits. But both are only within reasonable boundaries. Your mom is NOT being reasonable.

I really think you need to limit your daughter's time with grandma, and NO MORE sleepovers! If your daughter (or your mom) asks why, say that it is great to have a grandma close enough to visit, but it is important for kids to live at home.

You can't compete with your mom, because you are trying to raise your daughter to be a wonderful person, not a spoiled brat. Your mom is just trying to buy attention. Lay down the rules, and tell your daughter that she has to stick to them. She may not act happy about it, but every book about parenting (and every pediatrician too) will tell you that kids crave boundaries.

You have to do what your daughter needs, even if it makes you unpopular with her and grandma. Your job is to be a parent, not a friend. It is a rough job trying to raise a decent kid even without interference - good luck!

Answer 6

You need to be very careful! It sounds like your mom is manipulating the situation to get what she wants. This is YOUR daughter. YOU have control over who she visits and how often. Don't let your mom see her again until you have a serious talk with her and tell her how it is. Tell her she won't be able to be a part of your daugther's life if she's going to spoil her completely rotten and turn her against you. YOUR daughter lives with YOU, YOU take care of her, and seeing Grandma is a privledge for both of them, not a right. Take control of the situation before it's too late!

Answer 7

I wish I remembered more of my psychiatry, but I think of this in Freudian terms. Your mother is insecure, resents growing old, losing her attractiveness, and is jealous of your youth. Her immature reaction is to compete with you for your daughter's love. It returns to her a measure of control.

Did your mother handle things more maturely when you were growing up, or did she always show signs of jealousy and resentment? If so, you have serious problems. While her role as grandmother permits a certain amount of spoiling, it is no excuse for sabotaging your efforts at discipline. If she is not mature enough to understand this, you have little choice but to limit contact until grandma or Adrianne grows up, whichever comes first. And yes, you have to confront her directly about this. Is your father in the picture? Perhaps he can assist you.

Answer 8

My son is 6 and he goes to my moms for a week at a time without even wanting to talk to me on the phone! He doesn't get all the cool stuff your daughter gets but he does have an aunt who is close to his age that he plays with so it is a fun place to be. I let him stay over there for almost as long as he wants. He always misses me after awhile and wants to come home and wants to stay home with me because he missed me so much. I say let her stay until she wants to come home (she will want to come home eventually for one reason or another). Its fun at grandmas and your daughter is only 4. She has no idea she is hurting your feelings. In a few years she wont want to spend time with your mom like she once did. You are making it a competition.... don't take anything a 4 year old does personal.

Answer 9

You need to tell your mom to mind her business and stop spoiling your daughter. She is obviously putting ideas in her head and that needs to stop now or you daughter will never respect you as she gets older.
Just put the cards on the table and tell your mom that if she doesn't stop she won't be able to see her anymore. YOU are the mother not her.
Why don't you ask her if you got everything you wanted when you were young and if she would of like for her mom to interfere with her raising you.
Just stand up for yourself because you will be having big problems later on ..
Good luck

Answer 10

This doesn't sound good at all. You need to severely limit her time with this lady, and you should always be there as well if she is at grandma's house. Of course the kid wants to be there, she gets everything she wants, but that is the worst thing in the world for her, because real life doesn't work that way at all. Her brain is going to get fixed in this mindset and she will be ruined for life. You need to get this kid home, limit the visit to ONCE a week or even every two weeks, explaining to grandma that you WILL NOT have your daughter spoiled and manipulated as she has done. You owe ZERO explanation to the kid. It's up to you to fix this, and you have to understand that your mother is one of those older individuals who in some sense, to some degree, has "lost her mind," or is on the verge of it. What she's doing is not rational, she's likely lonely and looking for something to fill her life with.