I have reached the ten year mark?

Question

This wasn't supposed to happen. This July 4th was supposed to be my deadline for how long I would let myself grieve my mother's death. I have been a wreck ever since then and have only seemed to worsen over time. Despite seeing several counselors and being on anti-depressants off and on over the years I am beginning to think I will never be okay again. I cry every single day. I try so hard not to, but I can't stop myself. I'm starting to forget her. It started with her voice and now I can no longer see a clear image of her face in my head. I literally have NO ONE. If I did, maybe I wouldn't be in this much pain still. I don't know what to do. It feels like the best years of my life have slipped away and I have spent them being miserable. In the meantime I derive zero pleasure from living. I hate everyone I know. There is so much anger inside of me I feel like I am going to explode. I am afraid of everyone and everything to the point that I barely leave the house. The only reason I am posting such a personal question is because I desperately need help. Does anyone have any light to shed on this situation? How does one learn to be happy? I have tried not defining myself as depressed because I think labels only prolong the pain. Other than that, I don't know what to do to make things better.

I have tried Paxil and Prozac in the past. Maybe it would help if I visited her grave (in 10 years I have not gone once b/c I wanted to remember her face, not a tombstone), but I don't think that is the answer to all my problems. I said I have no one because I really can't stand my remaining living family members (all males). It does me more harm than good to be around them. Also, I have lost all of my friends. I never talked about my depression with them because I didn't want to be a "downer" to be around, but I have a feeling that they have abandoned me b/c I have changed so drastically. I am so fearful and self-conscious now when I used to be extremely outgoing and optimistic. Also, I have really severe social anxiety disorder and I'm afraid to drive. On the few occasions I have tried making friends I have gotten hurt. I don't have any relatives to turn to.

Answer 1

My mother passed away about 2 years ago and though I don't have any wonderful wisdom of how to make the pain disappear, I can share that I hurt just as much. I felt as though I lost my best friend when cancer took my mother from me and my only comfort was knowing that I had my friends and family to lean on. I am sorry that you feel so badly that you can't seem to leave your home. I hope that you will force yourself to atleast reach out to someone. A friend, a former co-worker even a pastor of just about any church will take the time to talk if you need someone to listen. I know that you feel like you don't have anyone or anything to live for now that your mother has been gone. Being happy isn't learned, its earned. I understand the pain, its hard...the first thing I would suggest is get out of the house. Go for a walk, find a hobby, join a club or even take a class one day a week. Just do something that lets you mingle with others and take your mind off your mother for a few hours. Don't worry about the forgetfulness, its never gone forever. Look at photos of her, find friends of hers that can share stories of happy times. Our lost loved ones are never truly gone from our lives...we are the ones that share their legacy. Your mom was a very wonderful woman I am sure, and I know you must've loved her very much. Think of it this way, she is in heaven looking down on you right now. Don't you think she wants to see you happy and living life to its fullest? Don't you think that she may be sad that you have mourned for so long? She gave you life, that was her gift to you...let your gift to her be your love and enjoy the gift she has given you. Its not selfish, please talk to someone to help you work out the anger issues. If you need to beat the daylights out of something take up kickboxing...not only is it good exercise...you can really release a lot of aggression. Good luck and remember, you're never alone. Please seek help, I hope this has inspired you. Take care.

Answer 2

Sweetheart, please see another counselor or doctor! If you find the right one, s/he can really help. Also, the anti-depressants may have been the "wrong" ones for you. Many different ones were prescribed for me, but I am finally taking one that "works" for me! I have lost that anger that seemed to rule my life. I am making friends, and making better choices. I was angry and depressed for over 40 years! My personal physician said he does not see how a person can stop taking anti-depressants if they correct a brain dysfunction--so, he and I have agreed that I will probably need to continue with them forever. It's OK, though, because, while I still get sad sometimes, and still have the "blues" sometimes, it is no longer debilitating.

I am so sorry that you are suffering like this; please get some help. If it helps you to know that someone cares, believe me, I do. And I will say a prayer for you and send whatever good vibes I can in your direction.

At this point, I don't think it matters if you label yourself or not--your pain has already been prolonged.......way, way too prolonged. You will never completely forget your mother--you hold her right in your heart every day and night! She is a part of you. But you've got to get on with your life. Your mother would be very upset if she could see you in so much pain and so isolated. For her sake and yours,keep trying to get help. You will "click" with someone who will be able to help you. You want to get well, and you will!!!

Answer 3

Losing your mother is one of the hardest things to go through. I lost mine when I was 21 years old,that was 29 years ago,I still miss her and cry. I too have forgotten her voice and it saddens me. People say that it gets better with time and it does, it just never goes away entirely. I am glad that it doesn't because then I would feel as if I had forgotten her. I don't ever want that to happen. I don't think it could.I know that my mother would never have wanted me to grieve my entire life. I know that she is proud of me for being able to move on. Have you thought about what your mom would have wanted for you? You are dealing with so many issues at one time. That is overwhelming. The best information I can give you is to please try to find a counselor you feel safe with and work to get your life back. You are not alone. I pray that you are able to take a step toward health and happiness. Life is worth it, and so are you. Good luck.

Answer 4

Sweetie i'm soooo very sorry for the lose of your mother but if it helps i can tell you that i lost my son 12 years ago ... he will be gone 12 years Aug 25 and it never gets any easier. You love her and can't see her thats why it hurts so bad. I think you should go to her grave and ask her to help you understand the things you dont' and to help you let go of some of the pain. She loves you and always will .... you were probley her world and her yours ... from what i've heard. Your not crazy or some badly depressed nut that needs a box of meds to help her sleep. What you need is to come to grips that your mom is gone and that you can still love you from a far. You dont' hate everyone you know , your probley in alot of pain and are just taking it out on people you know. Well Good Luck and remember just cuz loved ones leave dont' mean they take their love with them !

Answer 5

Listen up. Your Mom is in a better place now. You are suffering...she is not. I understand how you must miss her but you are indeed wasting your life.Your Mom wouldn't like the way you are living now. It's okay to go out, make friends & still miss your Mother. Cry if you want to..even if you are with people. You don't have to go out and act like you're happy. That would be a falsehood. Other people understand the loss of those we love so much. Also, other people understand that we all need to be consoled at times (that's why this site is so great). Please try and bring yourself out of the sorrow, at least some of the time.
I have heard people say that you never get over or stop missing someone close to you after you lose them. It is so true. (see my source below)
I wish you well.

Answer 6

What anti-depressants did you try? Three months after my father's death I went into a depression, I couldn't function. My doc put me on paxil cr. It worked the first day I took it, though most people need 2-3 weeks to feel a difference. You are right, you do need help. Try to find a therapist. Look in the yellow pages or on the internet to see if you can find a support group. Maybe you can even find a chat room on the internet with people in your situation if you don't feel like leaving the house.

Answer 7

I lost my Mum when I was 14 years old and it hit me hard it took me 17 years to be ok with it

the thing I had to do was confront the anger
it is ok to be angry with your Mom for what ever for leaving you

anger is a stage of grieving and you have to go through it to get over it.

Another thing you could try is write her a letter. Like you are talking to her let her know how her "leaving" has effected you.

And this may seem silly but every day write down at least three good things about your self
and three good things you did that day

and for myself some times if I got out of bed and ate it was a good day.

And give your self permission to look after your self
take a bubble bath
go for a walk
what ever you like doing

this sounds weird but it will slowly change the negative thoughts

you can email me if you want

Answer 8

Right now you are in a lot of emotional pain.You are still devastated by your mother's death.You feel a deep sense of loneliness that you can't seem to get out of.You feel fearful and afraid.I think you are clinically depressed.My solution is simple: "Every unexpected sorrow and pain – the death of a child or parent, a divorce or the dissolution of a relationship, the failure of a business, an accident or an illness – is an OPPORTUNITY to grow spiritually. Even when a painful event happens to others, you can use your experiences of it to observe and learn about yourself. Hundreds of millions of people around the world watched in horror as the Twin Towers in New York City collapsed with thousands of people in them, and then suffered again and again as replays were aired of jetliners carrying parents and children, business people, and tourists exploding into flames. All of these viewers as well as tens of thousands of people on the New York streets that day were given the opportunity to learn about themselves and change themselves constructively.'
http://www.seatofthesoul.com/on-line_courses.html
do this online course.There are a lot of resources you can use on the internet free of charge.check it out and don't give up.you are precious!


ple.Try prayer.Renew your faith in God or a higher power.

Answer 9

Hon, you've talked about the ways you've tried to get past the pain - this may sound weird, but have you allowed yourself to actually experience the grieving process? Really just let it hurt? I know, I know how scary that is, honest I do.

My mom died when I was 10. My dad did not allow me to grieve, I mean really, it was forbidden. I fought the pain for 25 years, and finally was taught how to feel the pain instead of fighting it. It was like walking on glass shards over a bed of coals with fire ants crawling all over me (emotionally speaking), but with the help of a therapist I got through it.

I still think about her all the time (33 years after the fact) and honor the anniversary of her death - but the thought of losing her doesn't tear me apart anymore.

Healing isn't just about time - it's a painful process that can't be avoided.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to contact me.

Answer 10

Hi, I have seen many who have came to answer your question.All are well said ans caring. As for me, I am sorry I cannot be by your side to listen to you and give you a pat on the shoulder or a hug to let you feel loved. I can understand your problem much as I have in my life such an experience.
I only can tell you that you have to be brave face it like a woman, be strong and never let circumstances control you or you will loose your life and everything you have. You have to come to term with yourself and challenge yourself in life. Most importantly, you must first learn to love yourself, cherish yourself and pamper yourself. If you can't love and accept yourself, you will never be able to love those around you no matter how hard you try.
And who says nobody loves you and care for you? See, there are so many people who are concern about you, that's why they are writing to comfort and cheer you up. Even the world does not love and care about you, there is one person who love you without any condition, that the LORD GOD, who gave HIS only Son JESUS to die for you. Will you let HIM love you and care for you? Would you want HIM to come into your life and experience HIS wonderful love and peace?
I was like you until I found HIM, and now I can tell you, life has never been the same after accepting HIM as my Lord and Saviour. Will you do the same?
I know HE will carry you thru, only if you allow Him to. Medication and doctors will not be able to help you, it's not a medical problem you are facing. You are in a spiritual and physical battle and only GOD can help you. Whether you win or loose this battle is your choice. I will remember you in prayer.