I'm really struggling with this?

Question

I have been divorced for 7 months and I am feeling a little lonely. I miss cuddling and just having someone there. Then I think about going out with someone and having a good time then I feel panicky. When I go outside I like to look good to draw attention then when I get it I freeze and don't know what to do with myself.and I tend to lose interest. What is wrong with me? I want someone in my life but I love my independence. Where is a happy medium? And please don't say booty call because its not the sex I miss its the closeness and the quiet moments and the fun and security. Am I sabotaging myself or maybe I just haven't found mister right? Please help.

Answer 1

well if i was a girl, id start off with the right booty calls and get a couple guys to keep me good for the night and after finding mister right now for long enough you find mister right... or mister long enough to cuddle and have a lasting relationship

Answer 2

Go out, be social, and say what you actually do want right now, even if it's to be left alone. I did that and in the end it worked, although I had not even anticipated such an outcome.

I had got to a point where I lost all interest. I actually tried to kill my desire. I told women that I seriously had no romantic interests, because I was not interested in ANY of the games. I said I was done, and that I just pursue my own interests and business, and that I like to have as many friends as I can get.

Most women would leave me alone. Some would talk anyway. A few would ask my reasoning, and they'd want to know what might change my mind. At that point I would say "nothing." But if they pressed I would say "ok I would need somebody who ..." and there I laid out exactly what I would accept and what I would not. And there it was.

In my case I said I would need to maintain the benefits of friendship, plus sex, and no commitments or possessiveness in EITHER direction; just the fun and friendship and sex, and privacy and freedom for both people involved, but no bad stuff! That was my answer if I were pressed on the issue.

Hmm, Three women seemingly came out of the woodwork at the same time, all who wanted exactly those same things. They all knew about each other, and I dated all three for some while.

Now I actually consider one of them ny girlfriend, and I do not date the other ones any more. By now my girlfriend and I have just kept the same rules in our lives with each other, because we had both been so insistent on them at the start. Also by now we truly love, adore, and admire each other.

So now we both have our cake and eat it too, so to speak.

My case is just an example of how this social approach of being honest can work for you too. It's truthful to yourself, it will give you the time you need anyway, while you are social nonetheless. It is honest, it is respectable and respectful.

Hey, you've been married, and divorced. It's your life your living. At this point you are in a position to state what you want perhaps more clearly than before in your life.

Look again at what you wrote in your question. You set up your case using some "two sides of the same coin" talk. There's the stuff on the one hand, but then the stuff on the other hand. There's the "I want this," and the "but I also want this other thing," but the two things would confict. You wrote this. You asked for the happy medium.

Look at both sides of your case as you wrote it, and pull out and write down the things you want on BOTH sides of the coin, no matter whether convention tells you that you cannot have together at the same time. Write them down together. Then come up with any other things you want also. If you think they do not humanly exist together in the way you laid out, just look at what you wrote and remember that they just now all came from you, a human being. So if there's one,....

Hmm, come to think of it, there are probably a lot of people who feel pretty much the same way you do right now.

Best,
TQRP

Answer 3

I know that feeling well. It was awhile before I could get back into the dating scene. It was also hard to find a guy that didn't just want to sleep with me. I eased my way into it by joining a charitable organization where I could just meet people and talk. There was no pressure for a date or sex, just conversation and good company. Then gradually, I was able to meet a guy that I enjoyed sharing my time with. Fortunately for me he works out of town sometimes, so he hasn't pressured me to move into a permanent relationship yet. That is a relief, because I am just not ready to give that much of myself again this soon.

You could try joining some type of club or organization that allows you to meet with people that share your interests. Then you will be able to find a guy that is not just interested in sex, but has real feelings for you.

Book clubs

religious organizations

gym or spa

tennis or golf club

theater group

card or game club

singles organization

just to name a few. Good luck!!!!

Answer 4

I kinda know how you feel, I felt like that before I met my gf. If I were you I would just go do what you like to do and hopefully you will just meet someone. The worst thing is to sit around thinking about finding someone or actually go out looking. It always seems to happen when we least expect it for some reason. I was lonely and single, gave up on looking for someone, then I started a guitar group and I met her.

Answer 5

You need to relax. It's OK to be single and it's completely normal to feel lonely and miss the closeness of having a partner. Personally I would rather be single than be with the wrong guy that can be lonelier than actually being alone. Just be patient and a great guy will come along. Best of luck to you!!!

Answer 6

I suggest to just go out with friends, to a nice local bar, or go out salsa dancing...have fun by yourself, with no worries or expectations. And if the time is right, you can meet a guy and go from there. I totally understand your feeling the need for closeness, but until then, just make friends, and have fun. The time will come to start getting close again.

Answer 7

Being divorced for 7 months isn't a long time. You don't say how long you have been married, but I would think it has been for quit a few years.
Your feelings are genuine, it is normal to feel uneasy and to have anxiety with any new events in our lives.
Don't try so hard, take care of yourself and usually when you least expect, your Mr. Right will find you.
Good luck

Answer 8

you are wnot emotioanlly ready. peopel ar laways physically ready before they are emotional;y ready. don't push yourself. cuddle with a pet and excericse for release the tention from lack of intimancy. Find yourslef- relax don't rush into anything. there is more to life than relationships- i wouldn't rush into a new relationship of any kind right after a divorce- work on yourdelf. i'm sure you have things to change about yourself and you need an emotional break from the stress- heal

Answer 9

It's only been 7 months.....give yourself a break. Enjoy being by yourself and learn from the mistakes of your marriage so you don't repeat them. The right guy will show up when it's time....not just because your ready. Don't be too eager or you'll end up repeating your first mistakes.

Answer 10

You can have someone in your life and still have your independence. Dating doesn't mean the guy has to move in with you. You can call the shots as to where you want the relationship to go. Be strong! :-)