I only want to be friends!?

Question

A couple of days I ask about meeting this one guy that I had met over the internet. He is 20 and recently came back from Iraq. He is a father of 2 children from 2 different moms and from 1 night stand both. He says that he has change and all. So on Sunday we actually went out to the pool with my 4 year old and then we went to church and ended up at my house hanging out with my family and watching movies. When it was time for him to drive back to base,he asked me what was going to happen with us? I responded nothing. I told him that I was not interested in dating him because of the whole military issues and the restrictions he has. I also mention to him my last horrible relationships with military man. Well the problem is that he refuses to give up and in fact he called me this morning saying that he was at the mall buying me my b-day gift since I will be 24 on Sunday. I have offer my friendship, but he doesn't want that. Can any one help me puzzle this out PLEASE!

Answer 1

Be firm. You don't owe him anything. Tell him if he refuses your friendship then we'll just have to not talk anymore. And DON'T accept the birthday gift, this will leave you with a sense of obligation that he will use. He'll get over it. There are many other girls out there.

Answer 2

I think because you said it was all about him being in the military he isn't understanding you have no interest in HIM. Now is that the case? Forget that he is in the military just for us to figure this out. Would you have any interest in him as a person if he was doing something else?

Depending on how you reply I would make one of two suggestions. If you could see liking him, I'd tell him that right now you have nothing to offer but friendship, and you are willing to see how things go down the line. But if he refuses to respect that line, and respect your feelings then he isn't someone you could ever be interested in. If you really have no interest at all, I'd say close to the same thing but make it clear that the only potential you see with him is as a friend. You don't want to hurt him, and you don't want him hoping you will change your mind.

I think you should at least have one conversation where you are totally honest, and tell him whatever you are really thinking. But when you base it on the past, he is thinking "well I'm different" and not hearing you. That's why I think you need to figure out what you feel for him based on him, and tell him that. And make it clear if he doesn't respect you and whatever your wishes are then that shows he isn't a friend (which is at the base of every good relationship).

Then, if he doesn't hear you or respect what you say, I would stop taking his calls. But be honest with him, make it crystal clear what you want and what you don't want from him. But make it about him..not some other guy. Plus it's easy to say "he's changed" but he isn't really showing that is he? Sounds like he is in a vulnerable point, going after what he wants, and not caring or listening to what you are saying. That's why I think it's so important to make it clear to him and see if he is willing to hear you and do what you want. If not, you have no hope of a successful friendship or relationship IMHO, so better to find out now.

Best of luck to you with it!

ETA; after reading the other answers, I would ask one more question of you. What do you want with him? Do you want a friendship? Do you want nothing? Do you see any potential once he is no longer military? I think you need to figure the answer out to these questions and go forward based on that. Don't overcomplicate it. Decide what you want, tell him, set boundaries and stand by them.

Answer 3

Sounds like you have a problem. You have tried to be Nice and offered friendship, did not work. Plan "B" you now are going to have to be very blunt and to the point. You offered and he wants more, having to children already, by two different women, his track record is already mess up. Stop all contact, give no hints of any feeling's, or you may end up with a stalker.

Answer 4

Look, if just one of you wants to be more than friends and th either definitely wants to be "just friends" than there can be no true friendship. There will always be the sex monster lurking in the background. IF he wants to date you and you don't want to date him then you must cut off all contact with this guy.

Don't be his friend, don't be his buddy, don't be his shoulder to cry on. You must be his nothing. If he tells you he has changed his mind and he doesn't want to date you anymore HE IS LYING. Do not believe him.

I suggest you run for your sanity, if not your life from this guy.

Answer 5

I'm just trying to understand what do you mean by "whole military issues and restrictions?" Well if you only want to be friends with him be friends and leave it at that.

Answer 6

You may just be forced to stop all communication with him if he can't accept that fact that you only want to be friends. And just for the record you should never introduce your child to strangers.

Answer 7

Tell him if you want me then you have to leave the military.

Answer 8

You just have to be firm, don't except the gift either. Good luck.

Answer 9

just don't return his calls and maybe he'll get the hint or explain it to him that you dont want anything more out of the relationship

Answer 10

im so sorry! gosh that would be awful...
just tell him be like "i am really, really, really not interested in u in that kind of way but i'd love to be friends" and if he doesnt get it just tell him u cant talk to him anymore.