Question for parents. Especially if you have only one?

Question

I have had 3 different parents tell me the following. I think it's inconsiderate, cruel and selfish. I'd like to hear from a larger audience to see if this is truly the thought process of single child families especially if you are a single parent to one child. These 3 different parents on 3 different occasions have told me that if they were to lose their child, it would be devastating. Where as if I were to lose a child, although it would hurt, it would not be as earth shattering as their loss because I have other children. What are your thoughts on this. I think this is a selfish and cruel assumption. My other children can never replace a lost child.

Dear gbcopy, unfortuntely, my very own sister is one of the people that has said this to me. Another is a friend, the last is a former church member. It especially hurts me when my sister says it to me.

I have read everybody's answers. My heart just bleeds and cries for many of your that have lost a child. Though I don't know you, and I'll never fully understand your pain, my heart does feel sorrow for you. I simply can not choose a best answer and will leave it to vote. Thank you all for your sincere support. I've been blessed with 3 children and I love and live for all 3 equally and joyfully.

Answer 1

Wow! l don't think l really have an answer to this question, except that l'm so sorry you had to hear that off those people! l don't think any parent can put into words how much each and every child they have means to them, be it 1 or 10, and frankly, l question the theory that your child could ever be 'replaced'. *Shakes head*

Answer 2

OH MY GOD!! I am so angry at the people who said this to you!!!! It is not true at all!! I have only one child and I would simply die if something ever happened to her, but I also know that I plan on having more kids in the future and it wouldn't matter which child you loose, they are your children, it would be equally as devastating. Tell these people if they want more children, if they think that would make it easier then go ahead and have more!! My poor aunt lost my cousin a few years ago and even though she has three other children she will never get over it. She still isn't the same person and this was almost 5 years ago this happened. Loosing a child is earth shattering and devastating to anyone, I don't care how many kids you have!!

Answer 3

As I'm reading your question, I'm realizing the implications of your sister's (and other's) words. It seems to me that the only way you could be less hurt by losing a child because you have others.... is if you love them each less than you would love only one. Like you can love an only child 100%, but 2 children are loved 50% each, 3 children 33% each...etc. That's the ONLY way their comment makes any sense.

And that is some ignorant, awful BS to tell another parent. IMO you have a right to be hurt by that, but at the same time consider how ignorant these people must be to believe that they could not love a second child with all their heart 100%, the way that you do for each of your children. It's hard to respect the opinions of a person who clearly has no idea WTH they're talking about.

Answer 4

I have lost a child and I can tell you that you never get over it no matter how many children you have. You just learn to live with it. My living son doesn't replace the one I lost.

You would be surprised and shocked to hear some of the things people tell you when you lose a child. I know I was. I think only someone who has had a loss of a child can understand just how devastating it truly is.

Answer 5

I was stupid and I kind of thought this way until I was older and had my first (and only) daughter. Although, even when I wrongly thought it- I NEVER would have said that to a mother. Ever. How tactless!

My only daughter is irreplaceable. Having 100 more beautiful children would NEVER even come close to replacing her. It is impossible. Your children are all individuals. Any loss of any child is terrifying and horrible and a tragic, tragic loss. It does NOT make it any better if you have 1 or 100. All I can say is that if you have more than one you HAVE to go on living, for the sake of your other children- whereas if it were your ONLY child that died, you may not really feel a reason to move on with your life.

And you can tell your sister, "By your logic, if your kid dies, you can just have another one- or adopt one and you won't feel the pain anymore...That is total and complete nonsense."

Answer 6

That is so heartbreaking to know that MOTHERS can even remotely consider those ideas legitimate. I can sort of relate in a different way...I have fertility problems and had trouble conceiving both of my children. When my first child turned three, my husband and I desperately wanted a second child. It was taking even longer than the first one! When we shared our story people would say "...well you should be thankful, you're lucky that you even have one!". Although we were elated and BEYOND thankful for our son, it use to infuriate us to hear this because it is a dream that WE had. We poured our heart, souls and bodies into creating another human being to add to our family and month after month, year after year we were disappointed, knowing that we may have to let go of that dream. So even though it is not an official death of a child (which I know, as a mother, would be the ULTIMATE devastation)...it is the death of a vision and dream that we wanted for OUR family. But bless God we finally got that little girl and we feel very fortunate to have our dream...our family!

Answer 7

I am shocked that these 3 parents have said that to you! I am currently a mother of only one, but I plan on having others and I would be devasted no matter how many more children I have, if I lost one. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY FALSE IN MY MIND - what those other parents told you! : (((

Also, I still feel sad when I think of the fetus that I miscarried and it was only 8 weeks along, so I cannot imagine how I would be if a child of mine died, whether or not I had other children! I am in total agreement with you my friend. I can't believe how callous those other parents were to tell you that : (

Answer 8

I totally agree with you. I can speak from personal experience. When I was married the first time, my only daughter died at age 3. My sister put me in touch with a mother who had lost her son around the same in the hopes that we could somehow help each other through. This lady had other children and I remember saying those words to her, that at least she had her other children, whereas now I had no-one.

Later I married for the second time and had three girls. A few years ago I lost the youngest one at age 10. The devastation and pain and ache and sadness and loss and anger and desolation and gaping wound in my heart are exactly the same as if she had been my only one. I miss her just as much as my first. I know now that what I said to that lady was utterly stupid and wrong.

Every child is a unique individual, a person in their own right, a potential adult citizen of this world. Their death deprives us of an irreplaceable being, and the impact of that is lessened by absolutely nothing! Children are not like a bunch of flowers in a vase that can be rearranged to hide the hole when one dies before the others.

People who say this kind of thing do so out of thoughtless ignorance. We can try and get them to understand by making them think it through better. Ask them this - did the child who died mean more to their parents in life because s/he had siblings? No, of course not. Then why would s/he mean less in death because s/he had siblings?
Or something like this - when your mother died, did it not hurt as much because you still had your aunties?

Our children are not just a series of carbon copies. They are not interchangeable just because they come from the same family or just because they are small and there are several of them. To view them as anything less than unique, special and irreplaceable is to rob them of their true worth as human beings.

Answer 9

As much as it sounds terrible, there is an element of truth to what your friends are saying.

I would say look at a topic that is a little more common. Take a look at miscarriages. Couples who have no children and have a miscarriage usually are devestated. However, couples who have children and lose an unborn baby tend to "move on" much more quickly.

Does that mean that the parent with chidren still alive loves the child they loss any less than the parent who lost their only child? Absolutely not. It hs to do more with basic psychology. The parent with children still alive doesn't have time to dwell on the loss so to speak. Keeping busy is one of the best ways to deal with mentally tramatic events is to keep busy (this advice is given to people ranging from people who lost loved ones to war vets who suffered tramatic experiences).

You are right. One child can never replace another. A loss of any child would be devastating. However, I do believe with a one child couple and a couple with multiple children were to lose one child, you would see a definate difference in the grieving process.

Answer 10

That is the most amazingly stupid thing I have ever heard. I had only one child for about 4 years before my second child was born. If I lost either one of them I would be devastated. It is possible that I would be more able to function because I would have to to take care of the surviving child, but that is not always the case. More likely, people blame the surviving child for being alive. My mother in law has a friend who was told point blank by her mother that " the wrong daughter died."
My point is, a child's death is devastating and it doesn't matter if you have one child or seven.

Answer 11

Well that's the kind of thing I'm surprised anyone would ever really say to you lol but I do agree. I'm not a parent or anything, but I have often thought about this. If you lose your only child it's like losing everything. For most, their children are their whole point of life. If one out of many children dies, then you at least still have a reason to go on.