should i try to get in touch with my sons dad?

Question

this is a difficult one and i know im going to get a mixed response, but here goes: i was in an abusive relationship with my ex, and left him when i was 2months pregnant with our son. we have had no contact ever since. my son is now 5 and has started asking questions about his dad. i have been to his last known address, with no luck, and only have his mothers address to go on now, although they wern't close. i dont know whether to get in touch with her to see if she knows where he is, or whether to let sleeping dogs lie. im a bit scared of opening a can of worms, but at the same time dont want my son to resent me for not doing it. any advice?

Answer 1

Why not contact the child's grandmother for starters, and see what reception you get there. If it's hostile, you might be much better off leaving the whole thing alone. When your son is old enough, he can make up his mind whether he wants to seek out his father or not. Later on, you could explain that he (the father) wasn't very nice to you, as a reason for the split. When he's of an age of understanding, he'll be able to work it out for himself. I would save myself, and maybe the boy, grief for now.

Answer 2

The bottom line is whether or not your son would be in any danger whatsoever from his father. I left a man when I was pregnant. It's a different situation because he was not abusive, but he chose not to be involved for the first 5 years. Then he suddenly contacted me and has been a pretty good dad for 2 years now. If you believe your son would be safe, send your ex's mom a note with your return address. If this guy is willing to step up, he'll do the rest.

Answer 3

Tricky. Only you can know exactly what benefits there are for your son in meeting this man. If you decide to make contact why not do it by mail using a friend`d address or by a friend`s telephone without giving away your whereabouts and then you can "test the water" and if you are uncomfortable then leave it be. None of us here know the exact circumstances , so it`s really hard to advise you, but remember.......being a sperm provider and being a dad are two completely different things. Your son will never resent you if he knows that everything you did or do you do with his best interests in mind.
Good luck and most of all stay safe!!

Answer 4

Just answer his questions truthfully. Just because he's asked about his father doesn't mean he wants a relationship with him. I asked about my father too, but I definitely didn't care about him. Don't make it more than what it is and please don't get yourself into a mess by looking him or his family up. When you said you were concerned about opening up a can of worms, I have to agree. That's exactly what would happen. It could be very negative for your son if his father comes back into your life. Violent men almost always become more violet with time.

Besides, I don't think you need to be worried about your son resenting you for not hunting down his father. Your son will, as he gets older, find many things to resent you for. Like not letting him go to a party or hang out with the wrong group, or refusing to buy him something that he wants, etc., etc..

Let him decide if he wants to meet his father when he's older. He'll let you know if he does.

Answer 5

Just because your son is asking questions doesn't mean he is ready to meet his bio-dad. I would start by answering your sons questions with direct (and truthful) answers - and don't add information he doesn't ask about. Kids are really amazing - if he can think of the question, he can probably handle the answer. Once you've satisfied his questions, he may just let the topic go for a while. If you do this, you're likely to know when he is ready to meet his dad because he will tell you. And you are probably years away from that happening, so you have time to figure out if you want to let them meet.

All kids are different, but this worked with my daughter. Every couple of years we go through a period where she asks about her bio-dad. Of course, the questions get more in-depth but I am always honest. She is 13 and still hasn't asked to meet her dad. In fact, recently she has admitted that she doesn't think she's missing out on anything because she sees a friend with a similar situation except this friend has met her dad and been disappointed.

Answer 6

This is a very hard situation, you must be really confused as to what to do.

In my opinion, you should at least to try and get in touch with his mum, and be honest with her about your son asking about his dad (assuming that she knows about the situation in regards to your relationship). if she has no idea about the abusive relationship, its better to say that you would like to get in contact with him, but you dont have to go into detail as to why.

In the end, you will have to put your feelings about your ex to one side, and concentrate on your son's need to find out where he comes from, because he will only get more curious as time goe son, and he gets older.

When you have an address/phone number for your ex, you do not have to tell him your address/phone number, just explain the situation to him, and see what he says.

if he decides to see his son, then there are mediation centres, where the visits take place, and are supervised, and you do not even have to be present if its too distressing for you.

Ireally hope that all goes well for you and your son, good luck!

Answer 7

I guess the first thing I wonder is if your ex knew you were pregnant when you left? If he did, then he knows you had a child and it's up to him to be involved or not. If he didn't, you may want to try contacting him just to let him know and see if he wants to be involved. However, with his background I'm not sure if that's something to approach or not. But at least you would be being fair to him and your child about them knowing about each other. If he has already chosen to stay away all this time on his own, let it be and just tell your son some guys aren't made to be dads.

Answer 8

Thats a tough one. Do you ahve any feelings for this man at all? Would you in any way be tempted to start back up with him again if you saw him and he acted nice and friendly? If so then do not do it and explain to your son that his daddy has a problem and gets really mad really easily and hurts people and you don't want him hurt so he cant come around.. or something to that effect.

If he was abusive - you really dont need that kind of influence in his life. If he has matured then maybe - and if there is no chance of you putting yourself or your child in jeopardy of being with him. But I'd lean towards no and if you do find him, make sure visits are supervised until he's proven he is a responsible person and wants to be in his child's life. But remember - evn if you find him, he may want nothing to do with you or the child.

good luck.

Answer 9

Been through the same i was with my ex partner for 10 years he was very abusive to me,my son i now 10 we have only been seperated for 2 years, its a very hard situation to be in i stopped my son from seeing his father for nine months and i rearlised that my son needed to see what he was really like
after a wile you will want your son to see what his father is really like so he can make his owm judgement about him and he is abusive then his true colours will show like my x ,this way your son will not resent you later in life.

Answer 10

I sympathise with your dilema. If he had no idea you were pregnant, then perhaps it would be good to make, as has been suggested, tentative enquiries, through his mother.

If he knew of your pregnancy, its a shame he hasn't made enquiries himself.

I know there is no justification for abuse of any kind, but it does rather depend on the level.
If he was extremely violent, then have no more to do with him.

If you are considering contacting him on behalf of your son, ask how you can assure his abusive nature has no detrimental effect on your son.

There is allways the chance that in 5 years he has matured and changed for the better.

Best off luck in your decisions, approach it carefull through his mum, is the best suggestion so far.