Treated equally?

Question

My mother, my aunt and I were out at dinner on Saturday and they were talking about how they were each one of nine and felt that certain siblings were treated better than the others. For instance my mother and oldest aunt (now deceased) were told that they had to leave school at 15 and go out and get a job to support their two younger brothers who were staying on at school to get an education. They were told that after all they didn't need an education and would be getting married and having children. However the list went on.

Not wanting to rock the boat I kept my mouth shut about the fact that I feel my mother favours my brother (1st born) better than my sister or I. She has helped us all out tremendously and I'm very greatful for her support. But I feel that she is always jumping to his defense and never to mine.

Do any of you feel you weren't treated equally as your siblings.

Or are there any parents who know and can admit, in hindsight, why they treated their kids differently.

Don't get me wrong. I have come to realise that there is nothing I can do about my mums attitude. I will never talk to her about it either because she takes everything very personally.

When I say she sticks up for my brother this is what I mean;

My brother is 7 years my senior and still treats me as though I am 12 (I'm 28). He is very condescending and patronising. He feels the need to tell me how to bring up my own child although he has none himself. He speaks to me like dirt he has trodden in and in the few instances I have stood up for myself my mother shouts that the fighting should stop and that she's sick of it but only after I make a retort never when I am the one taking the abuse. It's rules for one and rules for others.

My biggest point of contention is the fact that my brother can speak to me in any foul way he pleases and my mother says nothing but the minute I say anything back she on me in a second.

There have been some really great answers. I'm not interested in doing anything about it because I know my mother will never accept that that is the way things seem to my sister and I. I'm not jealous of my brother in any way. I think he's a bit of a plank really.

My sister and I get on really well and can vent when we get together by having a good b1tch about him.

What I will not stand for is the way my brother speaks to my son. I think my brother enjoys having an easy target and who is an easier target than a child. He doesn't make that mistake very often though 'cos I give him what for.

Answer 1

Yes, my situation is identical - I am the middle child and have a younger brother and an older sister, both of whom seem to be much more favoured than me. My sister is jealous of me and takes every opportunity to try and bring me down and my parents sit back and do nothing. The minute I defend myself they jump in and take her side. I have medical problems and my sister, who has no idea of the scale of my problems and no interest in finding out, seems to think she can make judgments or that my problems are not real. Same as someone without a child telling someone with a child how to bring them up, I tend to tell her to butt the f*ck out, since she has no personal experience of my particular issues and therefore zero context in which to frame her judgments!

My Mum has even commented that "my sister always seems to land on her feet" despite the fact that my sister already had one divorce behind her at 27 and never visits my parents!

My brother still lives at home (rent free) and is 26 and when I still lived at home at 18, my Mum had her hand out demanding money even though I was at college. Now my brother is at uni and she does everything for him. There is absolutely no doubt that as middle child, I am the black sheep of the family. I had a very bad accident as a small child due to their negligence and they still refuse to explain the details and get very defensive when I mention it, perhaps it's all tied up in that and guilt.

Answer 2

I don't have any experience myself of this as I am an only child, but my mother was the 2nd of 6 kids (She is now nearly 60, my nan is over 80). She has always said though that all of them got treated pretty much equally. When my nan was younger she had the opportunity to go for higher education and become a teacher as she was very clever, but her parents couldn't afford it and so she ended up in 'service' as a maid but then later as a seamstress. She vowed that she would do anything to help any of her kids get ahead in life, and that included boys and girls. My mum and dad are the same and have always encouraged me in everything, so I reckon they would have been the same again if I had siblings.

My dad however, although treated very well, always seemed a little less favoured than his younger brother. My uncle lives in Oz and so in my other nans eyes can do no wrong and is wonderful as he lives in such a great place and he owns a restaurant on the beach blah blah blah. My dad has to be here and run around after my nan and although she is grateful, the sun always shines a little brighter out of my uncle! It upsets him and my mum.

Answer 3

My partner and I were discussing this the other night, I don't think anyone can say that they got the amount of attention from their parents that they would like to have had. I have 6 brothers and sisters, and I can guarantee you that each and every one of them thinks that someone else was the favourite and got all the attention. I think that's just what happens in families. Because I am the youngest, with quite a large gap in between myself and "the next one up", I get accused of being spoiled etc.

As a parent myself, I know it's not easy to give your kids equal attention, but I try my best and comfort myself with the fact that I cannot give them a perfect childhood, or they'll have nothing to moan about when they're adults!

Answer 4

Of course not. Men and women can never be equal no matter how much feminism takes over our modern society. My thoughts on women 1) women are extremely intuitive and emotionally intelligent. 2) women can use their sex to their advantage, but end up becoming a company whore as a result and never get any respect. I think a study was done where women who DONT use sex appeal in a work place often get ahead and with more respect 3) women can be extremely hard working and can surely manage to have jobs that men ahve, except for playing linebacker for a professional football team. That is just absurd. MEN 1) Are the bread winners 2) Simply want to do good work and get ahead in their careers. That's what men are born to do, to accomplish and become achievers. They have much more pressure on them to succeed than women do. that's why you see more boys dropping out of high school and than women. 3) Most good, honest, hard working men would never mind being under an intelligent woman who understands the work they do. BUT there are always sleaze balls who make other good men look bad. 4) MOST Strip clubs and bars are NOT one of those places where women workers will ever be treated with dignity and respect.

Answer 5

I am the eldest of 3 and we were all treated differently. I think the fact that my dad was the youngest of 3 boys helped him to favour my youngest sister but he was always very sexist and always had 'man time' for my brother and he. I dont have a problem with the way my dad treats us as my mum always treated us equally.
What I must say is that the way you're treated as a child defo has an impact on the way you parent your own children. I think you should be aware that your brother's lack of respect probably continues into his own family and needs to be addressed before he passes it onto his family.

Answer 6

I was the scapegoat when we were growing up -- three sisters, i was the oldest... so everything that happened was naturally, my fault.

i had an abusive father to top it off, so i've had to learn to cope with my past, and go forward....

i have two grown sons, and i feel i treated them about the same....

one thing to remember is that everyone has different needs. some children are less confident, and might need a little more support, ect. some are sick all of the time, and the list goes on.

lots of times, the oldest can be favored (not in my case though).

i say try to go forward with your life and feel thankful for the help and support you did receive from your mom.

as for your older brother, you might feel better if you don't talk about him with your mom, since you say she "jumps to his defense"... you didn't say why she is defending him?

take care.

Answer 7

We raised 2 boys, now 33 and 31 years old. Both have terrific families of their own. You cannot love one more than another. Love is love. But we did not treat them identically. They had different abilities and different needs. One was very responsible, the other not so much. One was very academically oriented, the other more sports oriented. One was not very social the other very social. We gave each what he needed.

Now, sometimes mothers or fathers have favorites. I'll admit that I like being around my younger son more than my older son. My older son reminds me of me and I see traits in him that I do not like about myself. The younger one is more like my wife and so he is more appealing because I chose my wife for the characteristics she has. That doesn't mean that I love the older one any less or do fewer things for him.

So I guess it depends on the details of what's going on in your family. There are always sibling rivalries and there are always things about one child that might appeal to a parent differently from another. That's the way life is.

Answer 8

Each child is a different person with their own personality. Therefore they will get treated differently at times. I'm sure you don't treat all your family or friends equally. Each one has different needs at different times.
My kids are jealous of each other over all sorts of things it's normal. I never buy or give to one without the other. I care for them both equally and would do anything for them. I try to give of myself and my time equally, or whenever they need me.
That said, there are times when one has needed me more than the other either emotionally or for physical help.
I do have a very different type of relationship with each of them though. One is full of fun and the other quite deep and serious. They have a wonderful love hate relationship even though they are grown adults now!

Answer 9

My parents both always preferred my older brother and sister to me and my younger brother. We were always compared unfavorably to them. At the time I blamed my older brother and sister for this {illogical I know}. My father died when I was still a teenager though and I left home as soon as I could. I didn't have much to do with any of them for several years. Now however we are all great friends. I was surprised, in fact, to discover that my sister thought our older brother was the favored one and not her at all. She told me a few things that I was too young to realise at the time {she is 7 years older than me}.
I think things are not always as they seem to be. I do admit that I am inclined to favor my older son and I try never to let any of the kids know this. It is just human nature to be this way. You just have to make doubly sure that your kids never notice.

Answer 10

I think everyone has this problem. I am the middle of 3 children, our brother is the youngest and has always been treated totally different to us because he is the only boy. He gets away with alot more then me or my sister did and he is a hell of alot worse then the two of us put together.
It does get really frustrating at time but parents genuinely don't realise they are doing it!