Am I wrong?

Question

I married 7 years ago...and very much in love. Still am. Two years after we married, his mom moved in with us. We had just bought a home and she couldn't pay rent to live on her own. She is 80.. His sister...and mom don't get along. His sister is a control freik, with every family member she has. From her husband down to her sons, to us and her mom...and anyone else she can get her fangs into.
Recently.she has been to our house..cleaned her moms room...complained how dirty it is.. She took our ashtrays and washed them all....and put them away. Said we shouldn't be smoking in the house. Well, we agree and respect mom, so we do not smoke with her in the room. She removed our throw rugs and put them in the basement, so mom don't fall. Hubby wants to tell her to take mom if we're not doing a good enough job. but he promised his dad before he died. My off days she comes and hangs out like she owns this house..Making me feel very unconfortable. Is it me? Am I wrong?

Answer 1

Is it wrong for you to uncomfortable? Not at all!

For 5 years, you & your husband have opened your hearts & your home to your mother-in-law & you continue to do so.
You did this even when you were still relatively newly weds. Your husband gave his word & has kept you. You have stood beside him, encouraging, supporting & helping him to do so.

Your sister-in-law, perhaps, feels uncomfortable with herself for not having stepped up to plate and doing more herself. Her coming over to dust and such may be her way of 'helping.'

Perhaps you could gently remind her that you appreciate her helping out & let her know that although you appreciate her opinion, you have been taking wonderful care of your M-I-L for years now. More firmly, you could let her know that her words are 'opinions & input' at your house, but your word & your husands' words rule the roost.

I am an 'all about upfront honesty' type of person, so I would go so far as to say that you should let her know that you feel hen-pecked in your own home. I would probably tell her that if I were to go inspect her home, that I could probably find things that needed changing for the children's sake, but that I would not go hen-pecking in such a way because I trust her ability to be a care-giver. Then I would ask her to give the same deserved respect to me.

Also, you should sit down & discuss your thoughts & feelings with your husband. He may have insights that you have not yet thought of. Furthermore, he may be willing to confront her, himself. Finally, you do not want third parties to cause riffs in your own marriage.

peace/love girl... you're doing good.

Answer 2

OMG! Linda, I'd say not to let her come over, but I guess she has to cause her Mom's there. You should tell her what you expect from her if she wants to continue to visit. If you sent mom to her, is that going to be bad for her? Otherwise, maybe she should have a turn.
What you do in your own house is none of your sissy-in-laws business. Unless it's illegal, of course.
When she comes and starts cleaning, say things like, "Last time you put those away in the wrong place.", "You should have washed those throw rugs first.", "When you get done with that, I need you to mow the yard and take out the trash.".
Anyway, put your foot down! It's your house and you've been gracious above and beyond to have Mom stay with you.
Best of luck! You're the greatest!

Answer 3

It is not you. It sounds like she is a real control freak. You and your husband need to sit down with her and tell her that while you appreciate her help with mom, that there really is no need for her to be there everyday. Exspecially when you are off from work and are there all day with her. This is your home and you are quite capable of cleaning it, deciding what to do with your items to ensure mom does not fall, etc. If the polite route does not work then you could always be blunt and to the point and tell her that she is welcome to come and help out with mom when you guys are at work and not home to care for her and on your days off, that she should not come unless invited.

Answer 4

Wow! Nope...You are not wrong. She is bulldozing right over all of you and you are allowing it. Who's house is it? YOURS! She needs to be put in her place, gently, but firmly. You have got to take control of your family atmosphere and do not give her the chance to run a mile if you give an inch. Yes it is her mother too, but that does NOT give her the right OR permission to come and take over. Your husband and you have to make a united front and SET THE GROUND RULES for how things will be in YOUR home, and if she cannot abide by these, then she would not be welcome. Take back you life, and tell her to get one of her own.

Answer 5

No! Its not you and you are not wrong. This is your house and she has absoluely NO say in how you run your household. I suggest telling her how you feel and tell her that if she doesnt like how things are done then she doesnt need to visit. Ask her to only visit when you or your hubby is home and ask her not to move, clean, rearrange, etc.. Once you have made your feelings clear then next time she does this you will have the right to ask her to stay away. Good Luck!

Answer 6

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Answer 7

No, you're not wrong. It sounds as though you are doing everything you can think of, and what is asked of you, to help take care of your MIL. It's your house so you get to set the rules. It would be constructive to sit down with your SIL and discuss the situation. Allow her to give her opinion and ask plenty of questions. Then tell her that you will take her advice into consideration, but since her Mother is living with you -- you and your husband will be making the decisions. Tell your SIL that she is welcome to visit, as long as she makes arrangements with you ahead of time. If she visits & starts acting as if she owns the place tell her to leave.

Answer 8

Hi.

your sister in law sounds like a major control freak.

it's nice of others to help, but she's come into your home and tried to take over! NO, you are not wrong.

let your sister in law know that while you appreciate her "help", you expect guests to call before they come over, because sometimes, you'd rather have your privacy.

if she gets crappy about itl just let her know she's been intruding, and it's making you uncomfortable.

sometimes we have to tell it like it is... if she doesn't get the message, then tell it like it is.

you never have to let her inside your house when she comes over uninvited, do you? don't answer the door!

she sounds like a real pain in the butt.

Answer 9

You both need to sit her down and tell her how it is and how it will be. You need to remind her you are caring for mom and while you appreciate her help she needs to keep her negative comments to herself and she needs to keep her hands off of things in your home. Someone needs to remind her that she has no right to come into another person's home and disrespect them and treat them as she does. Also let her know that if her behavior doesn't change she will not be welcome there.. you have that right.

Answer 10

You aren't wrong. Explain to her in a nice way that this is your house, and you don't go into her house and tell her how to run things. You Mother in Law is happy, you are taking care of her and if she can't respect you and your home, then she isn't welcome there to visit.