How can I forgive myself for ruining our relationship?

Question

A Mother is suppose to be the one person you can always turn to and the one person who always is in your corner and has your back. So then, how do you forgive yourself when you ruin that relationship? I know I can never regain the love. I don't think I should be judged for protecting myself and walking away from such a devastating situtation. Does this mean that nothing I did before or since was good or right? Does this mean that I cannot validate myself in their eyes? And does this mean that I am a failure because they've walked away from me? I did alot of good, but I'm being tossed aside with the garbage. I don't think it's right. And why do I feel the need to be proven a success only if I have the approval of people who don't value me as a person?
Serious only, please.........................

I realize that I was so upset when I posed the question that only I knew what the details were. I apologize. My only child, a son, has no use for me. I chose to walk away from the relationship with his Dad and I am blamed for everything that is wrong in the world. He was not living at home at the time. I stayed until he was on his own. Yet, even then, I didn't do it right. I guess I feel that I've been made to suffer enough. YA isn't going to be able to give me the kind of help I need to forgive myself. I'm actually a nice person. I just miss my son, and a grandson that will never know me.

Answer 1

Your right about the fact that YA will never give you what you need in this situation. I know from personal experience, that forgiving oneself, myself, is the hardiest thing to do when I mess up a relationship or make a bad decision in life. I don’t know about you, but I’m ten times harder on myself than the person I’ve wronged.
After being separated from my parents for many years, I could not find forgiveness for the things they put me through, or the things I said and did to ruin our relationship. We were both at fault for what happened to our family.

The healing that’s needed to mend such relationships comes with, first prayer, then accepting forgiveness for yourself and forgiving others, then putting the past behind us.

Living in such pain is a form of bondage, and much of the wedge that was driven between you and your son was driven in by forces that know the love you have for your son and his family. These forces, seek to destroy family bonds. They know they have no chance against the bond of true love between mother and son which is just as powerful as the love God has for us.

Seek out others you can trust and pray with to break the chains that have you and your son in bondage.
Sometimes, we unconsciously contribute to the forces that bind us form loving one another.
When we say things like, “they tossed me aside like garbage” or “I am a failure”. You should never say things like that about yourself or others. Not because it’s affirming anything, but because it increases the strength of the chains that bind you and gives the evil forces ammunition to blast away at your heart some more.

What you perceive and conceive of in your mind about this relationship, is what you will create in it. So when you think about it, and pray for this relationship healing, look for and imagine this relationship to benefit others, and not yourself. Take the “I” out of the equation when rebuilding this relationship and your heart. For example, say “Let love come forward, and Pain fall back” instead of… “let me be loved so I can stop feeling pain”
Or, “Blessed is my son, and may peace radiate in his life” instead of….”I want my son to be blessed so we can regain the relation we had”
Do you understand? Leave the creative forces room to right what has gone wrong in your relationships. By taking the “I” out of the equation your letting the natural order of things be restored instead of trying to get them to conform to you.

What about your pain, the feelings of loss, and regret? You answered this in your question. You know deep in your heart you did the best you could to restore this relationship. It’s time for you to get on with your life and be at peace knowing you did what you could. The rest is up to your son and his family (which is your family too), they need to be able to forgive and work on mending the broken parts of your lives.

It’s going to take some time, but if you and your son don’t work at it, it’s not going to get any better. If you and yours keep dwelling on the past, creating tomorrows will take longer.

I will keep you in my prayers and ask God to pull the wedges out that separate your family. You should know though, that once these wedges are pulled, you’ll have to fight to keep them from falling back in, until the love is restored. It's going to take a lot of work, don't do it alone.

No pain, no gain. Keep looking ahead, never look back.

Answer 2

Generally speaking, a mother is a person you can turn to and will support you;
However, you ask how do you forgive yourself when you ruin that relationship? and follow with "I know I can never regain the love.

If you have had a pretty good relationship in the past with your mom, but have blown it somehow, you forgive yourself by giving permission to make mistakes-then OWN those mistakes-be honest with yourself and the part you played, then forgive yourself. Next, act responsibly about your wrong, go to your mom and ask her to forgive you for whatever it was that you did that ruined the relationship. Don't try to justify the brokenness by thinking it's ok to walk away from the devastating situation instead of facing it. Face what has happened, communicate to your mom in a loving way what you did wrong (not what she did wrong or the bad situation you ran from) and you might be surprised at how your mom will not only forgive you, but have new found respect for your transparancy and honesty-without making excuses for what happened, or thinking your behavior from the past will remedy the problems of your present.
I think you have a mom that loves you-warts and all, because she knows that no one is perfect but we are all human. Growing up, is when you take responsibility for the wrong or brokeness, seek forgiveness from parties involved, and try to restore the relationship. A mother longs for moments where a hurting relationship can begine to heal.
You desire value as a person, first value others, and you will be a success in relationships. You can regain that love.
I wish you all the best in this relational endeavor. My mom just passed away and I could write a book on how many times I blew it and wished I made the effort to bring the mother-daughter relationship to what it was meant to be. It's not too late for you.

Answer 3

It sounds like you had a tough choice. Help your child and do something that you saw as morally wrong or use the moment as a teachable one and do the "right thing." First you need to forgive yourself. You are a good person and you are valued. Otherwise they wouldn't have had you "in their corner" to begin with. Wounds take time to heal. Make attempts to make things better. Be respectful even though you are hurt. Make sure your child hears "I love you and I care about you." It sounds like the situation can only get better. Hope this helps.

Answer 4

Sometimes people who love you do very hurtful things. Not everyone knows the true meaning of unconditional love... which means you love someone for who they are, no matter what. I don't know exactly what happened that you feel you ruined your relationship, but always try your best. Often times, people have too much pride, and they miss out on life. If you can try your best to regain a relationship, meanwhile maintaining dignity in yourself, things may workout. Family is forever, and although they tend to dissapoint us (trust me, i know!), it's important to try. If it doesn't work out, then at least you made an effort.

Answer 5

I know its hard no you, and yes it sucks big time, but you have to do whats right for you and what would make you happy. Its hard when the one person you love, loves someone else, and there is nothing you can do to make that person love you the way you love them. But in the end, hon, you need to be free of that person if you don't think you have a chance, and if you says friends with him that feelings will never go away because you will always see him as that person you could have...its not worth your losing sleep over. When push comes to shove, you have to choose. Be strong, you know you can be over him if you want to, its takes time.

Answer 6

You love your child or children.whichever. That's why it bothers you now. What they think does matter to you. You did what had to be done though. Sounds like this is really hurting you now. Just talk to God and ask him to help you get through this. Not our business but easier if we know exactly what you mean. Good Luck in it all though.

Answer 7

i'm not totally sure if i understand this correctly. yes a mother should always love you and be there for you. you should never have to try and regain that love. i'm sorry i can't give more than that but not sure what the detail are . you can e-mail me if you like.

Answer 8

Sweetie It really sounds like your hurting and I wish I could help you but If I had more info perhaps I could...... check out my info. I'd really like to help if I could.

Answer 9

I feel for you. If your son will talk to you, explain to him why you left. You deserve to be happy.

Answer 10

i fail to read your Q cause it is too long so i have no answer. SORRY.''