My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now and we have lived together for two of those years. Recently we've been discussing moving out of state and my heart tells me that he should marry me before I leave. I would be leaving my family and all that I have known for 24 years. I brought this up to him today and told him that I wanted to be married in order to move out of state and he got really frustrated. He told me he didn't appreciate me giving him an ultimatum and that he wasn't going to be pushed into marriage. He told me that if I really loved him that I wouldn't end the relationship just because he wouldn't marry me. I told him that was manipulating and that I do love him and that he is giving me an ultimatum by telling me that he doesn't want to marry right now in his life. What do I do? Do I go with him or do I stay? He might have a hard time commiting b/c of a past marriage with a wife that changed right after they married. Thanks for your answers!! :)
2007-07-02 13:55:16 · 15 answers · asked by hellokitty23 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
Unless your in for the money, respect him for his choices.
You have to understand that a relationship isn't driven by one person. It's a long road of compromises.
I had a teacher way back then, who had a girlfriend for 8 years before proposing, and honestly, I could understand why.
He was just too active to be married; surfing, mountainbiking, playing bass, and ect.
Just wait it out, if you really do care for him, it'll be worth it ;)
2007-07-02 14:00:51 · answer #1 · answered by Jack 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋
Marriage is a giant step in a person's life and those who have already experienced a failed one aren't really sprinting back to the alter, especially if they haven't figured out why the first one failed.
The decision to pick up your life and move to another state should be a decision that YOU alone make based upon what is best for YOUR life. Forcing your boyfriend into marriage before you leave home does not guarantee that things won't still fall apart when you get there.
The important question that you are faced with is after three years where does this relationship stand and what is your future with this man? Despite the relationship problems he may have faced in the past you guys have grown together in these three years and you should be able to determine whether or not marriage is a possibility. If you are unsure, then I would advise you not to uproot your life and move. It may be wise to excercise other relationship options if he is still interested in moving. Many couples have long distance relationships and still manage to marry and have great lives together. So, talk it over, weigh your options and make a decision based upon what is best for your life and not according to what you think will make him happy.
2007-07-02 14:15:52 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He did not seem to have trouble committing when you moved in together. I realize that this is not the same as marriage, but it is a commitment nonetheless. I don't think the ex wife thing is a valid argument since you and he ended up living together after a year of dating.
If you have not brought up the subject of marriage until now I can see why he may feel pressured; though that is not a valid argument either.
Personally (and this is just me) if I wanted to get married, I would not move out of state and set up another house with someone who did not wish to marry me.
2007-07-02 14:02:43 · answer #3 · answered by Patti C 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I could see his answer if you had been dating for a couple of months but 3 yrs and 2 of them living together he should know the answer. He wants a major commitment from you but he doesn't want to do the same. He definitely has commitment issues and moving with him probably won't help them. Also his reaction to when you tried to discuss marriage should give you a clue too. He may love you but I doubt he has marrying you on his mind anytime soon. Your relationship isn't just about him but you also and he showed how he really felt by getting upset instead of sitting down with you and talking about it that is another sign. Should you go and leave family and friends behind?......No....I know I personally wouldn't. Maybe he needs some separation and time away from you to decide what your relationship really means to him.
2007-07-02 14:17:14 · answer #4 · answered by miester44 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should stay. Not because he threw a fit about marriage but because if he isn't willing to TALK to you about an issue this big in your relationship what kind of a relationship do you really have?! My husband and I lived together for 3 years and had 2 kids before we got married, and I never pushed the issue.... I hinted like a crazy person, but I didn't tell him he HAD to. I guess to keep this short I'd say talk to him about it again, if he sincerly loves you and wantsto marry you someday, but just wants to wait, then leave with him if you love him too.... but if you're tting the idea that he just wants you around till he finds someone he wants to marry then I'd say stay close to your family, you'll need a shoulder to cry on sooner or later!
2007-07-02 14:04:49 · answer #5 · answered by Kelly 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sweetheart he just isnt that into you. First of all after 3 years, especially if you live together, you know whether or not you want to marry someone. You shouldnt have to give up your life in order to prove your love for him. If he doesn;t know it by know then he never will. Why is it necessary for you to drop everything and follow him around? The same thing happened to my parents. My dad was offered a job out of state and he wanted my mom to come with. She said not unless we get married. He said no at first and they broke up. He moved away. After a while he realized how much my mom meant to him and he proposed. The rest is history. So I say that you should never move out of state or anywhere with a person with out some sort of a commitment,. Good luck.
2007-07-02 14:03:57 · answer #6 · answered by kystik83 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was with a man for almost a year that wouldn't even allow me to use the term "boyfriend" with him. It didn't matter we slept together exclusively, that he always let me know of his whereabouts, or that if he wasn't in bed with me he always called me to wish me a good morning or night. Then I got very sick and he almost lost me, that event changed everything for us. It was one of those things where they say - you don't know what you have till it's gone, and it was almost too late for us. Now, we're both big advocates of doing the right thing before it's too late. Maybe ask him if you weren't there tomorrow would he regret not doing the right thing?
The thing is though, babe.. if he is not going to settle down with you or at least be willing to compromise, like settling for a long-term engagement, then he has no right to expect anything from you, you should be able to have the life you dream of also, if marriage is in that dream for you and not for him, maybe you aren't that well suited.. especially if he's not willing to give you say in the future he's trying to make for the both of you. Remind him that although marriage is a big step so is walking away from all of your loved ones for an unsure thing!
2007-07-02 14:04:03 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have your feelings on this and he has his. If you think that he should marry you, and you are ready for marriage, then obviously his way of things will not be satisfying to you. Either break up with him, or continue to be with him and let him move away on his own. Just because he isn't ready, doesn't mean you have to settle. And the fact that he got so defensive and pulled that "if you loved me then you wouldn't bring it up" crap, just pretty much should show you that he won't be considering marriage anytime soon. You deserve happiness just as much as he does; however, it sounds to me like you're the one making all the sacrifices. Just sit down and think long and hard before making this move with him, and then you do what you think is best.
2007-07-02 14:02:05 · answer #8 · answered by LibraT 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
as quickly as a guy starts off to devote to a woman, he particularly shouldn't shield friendships with different females using fact there is way too lots probability of cheating and ruining the courting. He can communicate, yet lots greater gets risky. i comprehend using fact I had much greater lady buddies than guy buddies starting to be up. I even have chatted with those previous buddies a sprint, yet i've got continuously been careful that each and every little thing i've got suggested is public as properly, looks like he's being properly careful. on the different area, it seems to me like he substitute into purely complimenting her and attempting to help her experience greater efficient. i could say you're the two wanting to be a sprint greater careful, and you're the two wanting to chat to one yet another greater. in case you won't be in a position to easily communicate this out and conform to alter so as which you will save trusting one yet another you're courting won't final long.
2016-11-08 00:05:36 · answer #9 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can really see both views on this. It's pretty tough but I would say that ultimately, it's not good for a marriage to be rushed into. If he's not ready, it's better to take it slow. I'm not sure you'd want to throw 3 years away because he's not ready for marriage. That's really not fair for him. Whether you go with him or not, I do not know. But long distance (I'm not sure how long of distance it is) is never really fun. :/
2007-07-02 14:01:44 · answer #10 · answered by therapymoth 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋