Seven years ago my father committed a horribly violent crime & is in prison.?

Question

He shot a younger woman he had been having an affair with after she allegedly was blackmailing him. Luckily, she did not die.

I am a happily married physician with 3 teenagers, yet I am still having a hard time with all the conflicted feelings I have about him.

I abhor the life he led. He was an unfaithful, racist, liar; who is not really remorseful-he was alternately ruthlessly hard and kind to me as I grew up.

I write him an occasional letter and send him money monthly. I ask him only to call my cell phone about once a month. In the last seven years, I have visited about 8 times in prison.

I have family members who still make him out to be some wronged, misunderstood, giant of a person. These people often make me feel guilty for not offering him more support & comfort.

It often keeps me up at night thinking of him in a tiny cell while I have a vey comfortable life.

He'l be free in about 3 years and I am ambivalent about how I will be to him.

Thoughts?

Answer 1

You are entitled to your feelings and you are a much more generous person than I would be. If my father had shot someone for anything other than self defense, I would never speak to him again. Perhaps those family members that are trying to make you feel guilty think that he did not commit the crime he was convicted of. Or perhaps they think he was right to shoot her. Either way, they have no right to tell you how you should or should not feel about your father. He was the one that made the choices that got him where he is. It is his fault and not yours that he is in a cell.

As far as when he gets out? I suggest you be cautious and see how he chooses to behave.

Answer 2

The ambivalence speaks volumes. Why must you attach a label to how you feel? Feelings change everytime a new understanding or explanation is encountered. Being open to finding this input is the hard part and that can take a long time or maybe be never.
You are married a long time, grown kids, successful. You and your family are now a seperate unit. With no dependence on your own father.
Your way of life could in fact be directly connected to your previous experiences of family. In the way that when you know how not to do something the right way is always the preferred option. When you care that as a parent the consequences of your actions ripple through the family core you will consider each action.
It sounds like your father got lost in a sea of troubles. It sounds like he was drowning in his own wrong doing and in a moment of madness figured that this last crime might just be the only way out.
You seem to have a handle on things at this time. With keeping contact and giving financial support you are keeping the door into his life ajar, but rightly so your first concern should always now be to your family. If you're apprehensive or fear his presence in your life then you should listen to that and take things really slowly when he gets out. Possibly stay in touch in a similar manner as you do now. Visit him only when comfortable doing so.
Over analysing can cause more confusion than just going with the flow and letting your brain process naturally. Ultimately how you react will be based on the turn of events at the time. My best advise would be to take every situation for what it is and trust your own instincts, that is why we have them they are more powerful than reasoning and defy logic on a regular basis. Good luck.

Answer 3

Regarding your comfortable life and guilt you feel over his uncomfortable life; he put himself there with choices that he made. You had nothing to do with that.

You send him money and talk to him at least occassionally on the phone. You are providing him support. Others might think that you should be doing more, but if he isn't asking more from you, why should you? Maybe he'd like to call more, but I'm sure that it is a limit you placed for your own personal reasons. That doesn't mean that he can't communicate with you more than phone calls. Does he write?

Your family members may be having a hard time accepting that he could do something like this. You knew him intimently enough to know whether or not he could. I wouldn't worry too much about what they think. Did you do anything to contribute to his incarceration? If not let the guilt go. If you think you might have (which I'm certainly not suggesting you did), analyze what makes you feel that you did, and if necessary do whatever you need to resolve those feelings and forgive yourself.

Answer 4

You sound like you had a difficult childhood. The question you have to ask yourself is: If you initiate more contact, how will this affect your family now. Your father is your father, but your first and last thought should be your family now. If memories of him are different from one family member to the next, and you do not have good memories and believe he is deserving of the prison time, do not involve teenagers who do not need to be influenced by someone who is unfaithful, a racist, and a liar.

Protect your family. Learn from your father. Teach them right. I would not let someone like this near my family.

Answer 5

Tell him he has had time to think and be honest with himself.You hope he has repented and will behave differently and also own up to the wrong he has done.Tell the others maybe they out to be shot by someone like him and we can make the shooter a victim.Or ask them if they would mind being shot by him.

Answer 6

well make sure that he knows how you feel about the whole thing so he is not surprised when you don't invite him to every weekend cookout
but dont forget he's served his time and prison life is hard because it is almost as dangerous as life on the street

Answer 7

Only you can answer this; your perspective has already skewed your question. I'm sorry that he was this way to you but you clearly overcame the issues. Continue with your life and see what happens.

Answer 8

stop worrying about what "others" think... you feel how you feel about him, it sounds like he really wasnt a good parent and he had some apparent mental issues that you are aware of... you are married, and i hope happy with your life... do what You feel best concerning your father, you can have him IN your life, or NOT... its up to you, no matter what Others think

Answer 9

I'M AM SO SO SO SORRY. if you do not like the things they r saying about your father say good things about him in your head or say it to them don't let them do that that is disrespectful to your father and you.think of good thoughts about him.god bless you and your father
-Ashley T

Answer 10

he sounds like a sociopath who has relatives that have dingy thinking.you've done more than your share of paternal obligation,no reason to feel guilty,,,neither for dad ,or the relatives