your daughter is dating a loser, how to get her to see what a loser he is.?

Question

fathers and daughters maybe you can shed some light on this. now, my baby girl or only 3. BUT i have been talking with lots of fathers about their daughters anywhere from 17 to 27 and they have something in common, a loser for a boyfriend. and no mater what they do, they cant get them to split, when they try to get them to split, the relationship gets more serious!!! so, i am just preparing.

yes, i am still with her mother, we have been married for 8 years, and have a total of 4 children, 3 boys and my baby girl. i talk with her about her future plans, but right now her future plans are to marry a handsome prince, live in a castle, and have mommy and daddy live with her. sooooooo, i doubt that will turn out but i tell her that sounds wonderful. my wife and i have a great relationship. we were at the doctors office the other day and the doctor asked if we were newley weds, and when we told her we have been married for 8 years and have 4 kids she couldnt believe it. i still bring my honey flowers home every once in a while, and cook breakfast some sundays and things like that. so i think i am a good example. and my kids are really close to both sets of grandparents, both sets live within 30 minutes of our house. so she sees those healthy man/woman relationships too. i would like her to finish college and not even think about dating untill shes in her mid to late 20's

but wishful thinking and reality are two very diffrent things. i just didnt want her to end up with a loser, i never even thought about abuse untill a someone responding to this question brought that up. that would be awful. but i also dont want her to realize "hey this guy is nothing but a wanker" untill its too late and she has an accidental pregnancy. i was talking to my buddy today and asked him if his daughter ever dated a loser, and he said all the time. his daughter is 27 and has a 6 year old girl. i dont want that to be my baby girl in 20 years.

Jamie M...your brother in law sounds like a real bastard.

talentedchimp, my idea of a loser is someone who would rather play ball with his friends instead of take care of his kids. someone who thinks women cant do anything and are inferior to men. Who thinks a “woman’s place is in the home” and that they do not not need an education. Someone who will not work, someone who is not reliable in any way shape or form. Someone that will not even attempt to apply themselves to anything productive. someone that will tell her “what she can and cannot do”. I don’t care if he is rich or not. I would not want her to end up with a wealthy man if he is not going to treat her with respect. That’s my general idea of a loser.

Answer 1

This is a good question. I think that every woman has to kiss a few frogs before she finds her prince. That being said, though, I hope your daughter never enters into an abusive situation. Just be there for her, communicate with her as much as possible, don't be afraid to talk to her about sex and relationships, and give her the support she needs.

Answer 2

Their mistake is trying to break them up. The harder a parent pushes, the more the child pulls. I have a teenage son and a toddler son, so I get the best of both world's! (notice the sarcasm said with a smile) The best thing you can do now is instill in your daughter self esteem. Many of these girls go out with guys that are bad for them because they are getting attention from them. Kind of like a spoiled toddler. I can tell you from a woman's perspective, a former teen, although please don't ask me how long ago that was! Seriously, if you can teach her to respect herself, you should have no problem. Make sure you treat all women she knows with love and compassion and respect. She will learn by watching how you treat women. If you treat them well, she will pick up on that. Many fathers can not understand why their daughters have picked certain men. They choose what they know. You'll probably find many of these dad's don't communicate, they argue,. and when they argue, they get mean and call names, possibly do or threaten to do violence. Just be a role model. Remember, everything you do, she sees, no matter how old she is. Be the best man and father you can be and she will look for the same. And don't forget, we all make mistakes as we grow up and enter the dating community. I'm sure your first girlfriend is not the mother of that beautiful precious gift you have. So give her some room to grow and be there to catch her when she falls. Not only off her bike, but out of a relationship was well. Good Luck

Answer 3

Buy 10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives by Dr. Laura Schlessinger and have it handy for her to read when she is, oh, 10. Long before it is an issue. Then brain-wash your daughter. Point out all kinds of situations where the girl is in a losing situation--when your daughter is young.

I told certain children (I have several) starting around age 9 that they better get family advice before they marry, bcause if they are anything like my brothers (and yeah, the 2 kids I have that I tell this to do take after my brothers) they will need help picking a decent person.

I also think that dads who are very involved with their daughters, teaching them sports and very huggy with them and spend time with them have daughters that grow up to be more selective about their boyfriends. You can't assume anything, you have to discuss losers and why girls should not marry losers, and you have to start early, long before the girl is even looking at boys.
Oh, make sure your daughter plays sports all thru school. Girls who play sports are less likely to engage in early sex.
I have 4 daughters. the oldest at 26 is so picky that I despair that she will ever marry! The 2nd one at 23 picked a decent-seeming and well-employed boy (I told her to find one who was kind to marry, and she told me that's what she did!). The 3rd one is only 20, and is concentrating on her studies in college because she told me she can't have a boyfriend and study too, she already tried and it's too distracting. The last is just 15 and NOT boy-crazy. I fear she is like #1, quite picky, too, but I think after reading your entry that maybe I should stop complaining. I must be better off than I thought!

Answer 4

I think you just need to let her see it through. My older sister dated a loser once and she soon learned that she could do better. My Mum was worried about it sure, but she didn't do anything and soon enough everything was back to normal again. If you try to interfere then your daughter may lose respect for you both and rebel. Perhaps for now you could have a quiet word with her and just set them some boundaries, it seems that you have a pretty good relationship with her and I'm sure she would take that better than you just telling her that she can't date him any more!

Answer 5

If you are still with her mother, my advice would be to treat her mother as you would want any man to treat your daughter. Treat her with respect, always show love and appreciation. I also agree with one answerer in particular on how to use everyday situations, or TV/movies to show her what is acceptable and what is not.

I agree also with someone else that there must be a few losers in order for her to realize what a prince looks like. I've dated quite a few bad seeds in my time, who appeared good at first. Every woman's problem is that she believes she can change her man (when they do start to realize he's a loser.)

It's hard to say what will happen if you take my advice. My mother stayed in what was for her, a very unhappy marriage because she thought it was best for us kids to have a father and a mother. I learned not to put up with the things my mother put up with, whereas my sister is with a guy who is a spitting image of my father, behaviour-wise. I don't really know why she puts up with it, but I know that if she didn't have kids with him, she would have left him a long time ago. She is constantly under stress because he purposely does stuff to push her buttons. He's not abusive or anything, but very selfish and will buy for himself before he will buy for his daughters. She was actually in the process of moving stuff out of their apartment little by little when she learned she was pregnant with her second child. Since then, he continues to annoy her but she also continues to put up with it. Like she thinks she's better off with him the way he is than to try going it alone.

Keep in mind that teenagers take a while to figure out who they are. You have a few years to go yet, so all you can do is try your best , but realize that she will grow and develop into her own person with ideas that may (and will) differ from yours.

Answer 6

For one make sure you have a GREAT relationship with your daughter throughout her up bringing. IF you aren't close it will make things impossible for you. I am 23 years old and I resently got out of a very abusive relationship it took me 2 years to do that because i knew my only choice was to go home to my dad. Well for the LONGEST time that wasn;t an option in my mind becasue our relationship was/is SO bad. Other thing ESPECIALLY for 17 to like 23-24 girls "fall in love" VERY quickly. Also they are still trying hard to become themselves and so you have to be patient they in a sense still get a "thrill" out of doing the opposite of what you want. YOU just have to be a good dad and LOVE your daughter and allow her to make her own choices about her love life. After all it is her life, I am sure as a parent that is diffucult to do but thats ok. The more you push to split them the more resentment youll get. JUst support your daughter and sooner or later shell figure things out on her own. When she FINALYY figures out the guy is a loser just have your shoulder available. DO NOT be an *** to the guy though that will push them together. BE "ok" with them and things will work themselves out. Make sure as you raise her you raise her to know how a guy is SUPPOSE to treat a girl so she has good standards to start with. Encourage self-esteem and Self-confidence. Like i said just LOve your daughter and be there for her when things fall...she might have to figure it ou the hard way...just don't make her want to go blind to mistreatings though.

Answer 7

Invite him with you to places, show her how he fails, don't just talk about it. Can he afford to pay his own way, does he flirt with the waitress or staff? Does he ignore her when she wants his attention, does he use drugs, have NO ambition, an atheist, a player, just plain dumb, lazy, you need to show her. Other than that, just get her out and away from him a lot. Limit the free time they spend together and allow her to grow up safe and secure. We all make mistakes.

Maybe start young talking about what kind of person she would like to date and one day marry, she will have a foundation of what she should look for in a mate and how to handle relationships before they actually happen. My girl is 6 so I am already talking to her about her future and all the choices she'll have to make.

Answer 8

I think this is one of those issues where you can tell her your opinions until you are blue in the face... yet there is something she sees in him that you obviously don't. Let her figure it out on her own - she may, or may not. As long as he isn't hurting her - beating her, verbally abusive... I don't see a problem with it. You aren't going to like ever single guy she brings home and dates - you can't control that. She is her own person, and has her own taste.

I say just let it rest and keep your opinions to yourself, and if and when she does realize he's a complete douche-bag, DON'T tell her - "Told ya so!"... just be there for her...

Answer 9

What I did was to say nothing directly negative about my daughter's boyfriend. I was polite and pleasant. Sometimes he wasn't as polite or pleasant and she would pick up on that, though she didn't say anything.
In daily situations, I would ask a question here or there occasionally like (when a 3rd friend left his cell phone in a car where all three of them had been and SHE ended up with the task of having to drive to the mall to meet the other guy there just to give him the phone and leave)......."You're so busy....why couldn't (name of boyfriend) drop it off on the way back from work and save you the trouble?" (depending on the answer, in a very subtle way you are pointing out the selfishness of the boyfriend in not taking care of it himself)
"Because he had to get to go home early to get sleep because he works tomorrow, mom!"
Mom says "Oh" (like just "Oh") no approval or disapproval in tone of voice.

Little instances like that...building up over time, but without directly pointing out the negative aspects of the boyfriend's personality.

Or sometimes, I'll tell a story about my past (all teens love stories about your own "love" life, even if they pretend they don't) that praises one young man I might have seen for a particular trait (but didn't continue to see because he had a major negative trait).

You'd be surprised how even regular conversation here and there can influence their ultimate decisions.

Answer 10

Pretend to like him, then the relationship will lose its appeal. Girls love to bring home guys daddy will hate, it turns them on. You see, teenagers love to rebel against what society tells them in order to make themselves seem more unique. It is an odd way of saying "I'm not a kid, I can do what I want!" And they LOVE to piss people off by doing the opposite of what authority expects of them. I go to a catholic school, where a bunch of kids are atheists because the teachers preach about God. So therefore they rebel against the teachers. So, pretend to like him, invite him over for dinner, get to know his parents. It will PISS your daughter off, but your the dad, what you say goes. So, beat your daughter at her own game.