How to get out of a relationship with someone who has BPD?

Question

I've been with someone for 2 years now who has Borderline Personality Disorder. She was diagnosed as a teenager, and is in her early 20s now and fits the symptoms of it perfectly. She constantly needs to be around me, can't stand being alone or not having notice if I have to go somewhere after work. She wants me to do every single thing with her. I can't even watch TV, can't do anything without her. If we get into a fight, which happens often, and I want to watch tv or play a game on my computer, she spazzes out and says I'm replacing her. She has caused me to lose contact with all my friends, I barely even see my mom and honestly my mom is the only family I seem to have left. Unfortunately I live with her. I was in my own place for the first time for over a year, and then she kept pressuring me to move in with her. I was always at her house and when I was home, she wanted me on the phone with her constantly. I feel trapped & I feel like I have to stay or she'll kill herself. Help?!

She's also a cutter. She also hates being wrong. When things go wrong between us she'll tell me she hates me. I'm not happy AT ALL and I stay for her. I know I can't help her. She is not on medication and not in counselling of any kind. She also has social anxiety disorder which is her reason for not wanting to go see anyone, she's scared to leave the house, scared of what people think of her. I have no freedom, no time to myself, a stressful job then I feel like I go home to her, like it's another job.

Just asking for advise on how to get out, move out, without hurting her to the point she kills herself.

Answer 1

She's going to have to take care of herself (and you will have to do the same for yourself). Find a friend to crash with, and get the F.. outta there. Don't listen to any threats of suicide or revenge. Life it TOO short to sit around and wait for happiness. If you've given it a good shot and it's not working, then LEAVE. Too many people stay with each other when it is so dysfunctional. Good luck...I hope you have the perseverance to go through with it.

Answer 2

I'm borderline, and used to do just like your girlfriend. Her behaviors are symptoms of her disorder - you did not cause it, and you cannot fix it.

Leaving her is in your best interest. If she has threatened suicide if you leave, she is being manipulative. Please don't judge her, that's part of her illness. She very much needs professional help.

Show her the respect of giving her advance notice that you're splitting up with her; if she threatens or attempts to hurt herself, call 911 and have either an ambulance (if she attempts) or the police come and take her to either a hospital, or at least somewhere she can be assessed.

She's living through hell; unless you want to join her there, save yourself.

Answer 3

You need to get some time away (even through meditation!) so you can get centered in yourself. A multi-pronged plan could include:
1) Figure out a plan to move out on your own, or in with your mother, if you can afford it.
2) Go to couple's therapy with your girlfriend.
3) Read assertiveness book (below) to help make clear statements.
4) Remember you cannot make her kill herself, or prevent her from it. It's her responsibility as an adult.
5) Make a plan to separate from her physically (move out), emotionally (therapy), and socially (see more/new people). Going to a new church could help with all three, even if you don't really believe the religion.
6) Plan a date & DO IT!
7) Get a restraining order, if you need it.

Answer 4

HOLY CRAP! I'm in the exact same Position!! and was actually just about to ask the same thing when I ran accross your question. I even "broke" up with her twice but that didn't last for more than a couple days. It was such a feeling of relief and freedom when I was thought we were finanly finished, but she quickly found her way back. Other people i've asked have told me I need to leave her alone before she drains everything I have left and "don't worry about what happens with her". That really hard though when you care for someone. Best of luck buddy

Answer 5

First and foremost, you are not responsible for her. If she hurts herself, it is not your fault. She is using her sickness to keep you there. If she's going to hurt herself, she will do it whether you are there or not. Her holding this over your head is unfair to you.
You need your personal space and her violating that space is abusive.
Tell her it's over. Give her numbers for hotlines and other sources of help and possible places for her to stay. Then call a u-haul and get her stuff out of there.
Sounds harsh? From the sounds of it, the only way for you to move on has no gentle moves involved. She is abusive and manipulative, which leaves no room for a healthy relationship.

Very important that you understand this: Even if she does indeed (God forbid) kills herself it is not your fault. Even if she leaves a note blaming you, YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE! Such moves are only further forms of abuse! She is responsible for her own actions regardless of her state of mind.
Don't be sucked in for another day. If you need more help for stregnth, call the Domestic abuse hotlines in your area. It doesn't matter that you're a guy and she's a gal and it doesn't matter if she has never physically hurt you. You are being abused in this relationship and those hotlines will direct you to people who have dealt with your situation and will give you advice on how to move forward.

Answer 6

you need to find someone who can temporarily replace you as the support person while you leave. Does she have other family nearby ?
I would be honest with her and tell her that you cant live like that and she seems to be making no effort to get help.

If she has said she will harm herself you may be able to get a temporary commitment order for her to a hospital for observation.

She is responsible for what she does , so dont be mean about leaving, but leave.

Answer 7

First of all, you are NOT responsible for her mental health or physical safety. I dated a guy like this back when I was in college and he turned out to be physically abusive towards the end. He used all of his "emotional" issues to basically control my whole life and trap me into staying with him. Every time I tried to get away from him, or even disagreed with him, he would threaten to hurt himself (and eventually ended up hurting me). Sound familiar? Let me guess: She tells you that you would stay with her and put up with her crap "if you REALLY loved her", correct? This is one of the major signs of emotional abuse (not all abusers are male).

It took me two long miserable years to figure this out, so let me tell you what I finally learned. The only thing really keeping you in this relationship is YOU. If you want out, then JUST LEAVE! She threatens to kill herself? Fine. Not your problem. She actually kills herself? Sucks for her. Still not your problem. This girl is ruining your life, and she does NOT have the right to do that. You are NOT trapped!!! Just go! Move out and then avoid ALL contact with her. And reestablish contact with your friends and family. The best thing for you right now is to regain your emotional support structure.

Good luck!

Answer 8

I'm with CPS, get the hell out of dodge! You are too young to be tied down by someone dysfunctional. Call her family and tell them you can't take it anymore, that way she'll have someone to check in on her.

I would move out, lock, stock, and barrel. If the lease is in her name, no problem. If it's in yours, you need to give the landlord 30 days notice. Let them know that she will need to sign papers on her own if she wants to stay. Call the electric company when you leave and have the electric cut off. Same with the phone and water. Nothing stays on.

If you can move to a nearby town, so much the better. If the telephone at work goes thru a receptionist, I would let them know not to take any calls from her.

She is going to have to deal with this mess of a life she has developed on her own. Don't let her drag you down. If she doesn't want to get counseling, that is her choice. But don't let her threaten you with cutting or suicide. That is her choice, not yours.

There is a whole life out there waiting for you. Get in touch with some of your old friends for moral support. But I would not talk to her at all, when it's over, it's over, and there is no need to talk anymore.

Do let her know you are moving out, but not too much notice, lest she tear something up.

Good luck!

Answer 9

I would suggest sitting down with her and talking about how you feel. It's been about nothing but how she's feeling, and your feelings have not been taken into consideration. I realize she's got BPD, but now she's using it as her excuse to act this way, and be selfish towards you. It's not fair for you to have to go through that. I know you care about her, and she may be suicidal. But right now you need to do what's best for you. You could help her get to a doctor, or go to counseling, but you are entitled to your own life, separate from your relationship with your girlfriend. The stress you are undergoing isn't healthy either. You get it at work, and when you come home. You should be able to relax with your girlfriend, be able to socialize with friends, and go out on your own. You deserve that freedom, as does she. I hope you work things out with her, or find a way out of the situation. My prayers are with you.

God Bless!

Answer 10

I was in the same position a few years ago. It's tough, because you do care about them, but you know they aren't what you need or the person you should be with.

You have to live your life, and she has to live hers.

Just end it. No fight, no drama, just say, "Look, this isn't going to work between us." and walk away. That is pretty much the only option. And no matter what she says, you need to stick with your decision.