how can i stop being used by my 28 yr.old daughter . i cant ever seem to sy no & she treats me bad?

Question

I LOVE MY ONLY DAUGHTER WITH ALL MY HEART. SHE IS ALWAYS IN NEED OF MONEY,, HELPWITH GENERAL LIFE, THEN WHEN I DO GO TO HER AIDE AND SHE GETS WHAT SHE WAS AFTER SHE ENDS UP TREATING ME LIKE AN OLD DISH RAG AND WONT CALL ME EVEN IF IM REAL ILL TO SEE IF SHE CAN DO ANYTHING TO HELP OR EVEN ASK HOW IM DOING . IN THELAST 3 MONTHS IVE LOANED HER OR SO THOUGHT IT WAS A LOAN OF AROUND $4000.00 IM AFRAID TO STOP TAKING HER CLLS FOR FEAR SHE WILL DENIE ME VISITS WITH MY 2 GRAND-DAUGHTERS. SHES GOIING THRU A DIVORCE AND TREATS THE GIRLS SO BAD THAT THEY WANT TO COME LIVE WITH ME WHICH IVE DONE BEFORE WHEN SHE RAN INTO PROBLEMS AND COULDNT KEEP THEM AT THE TIME ID APPRECIATE ANY ONES ADVICE ON THIS I FAM LITTERLY GETTING SICK FROM WORRING ABOUT HER DAUGHTERS AND HER TOO BUT MORE FOR THE CHILDREN,

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you. You sound very similar to my mom, who is always coming to the rescue of my younger bro and sis. My advice to you is to "Let Go and Let God". You are attempting to fix the situation by your own strength, but it is not working. You are getting physically sick and your daughter is still acting the same way. As painful as it sounds, the reason she treats you badly is because you allow her to treat you badly. You are her personal doormat. You have to begin to realize that your happiness is just as important as hers. She doesn't have the right to disrespect you and she doesn't have the right to treat her badly. I would give her an ultimatum and cut off all financial help. She is a GROWN WOMAN, not a child and needs to start acting like one. You don't go around demanding money from people and acting like a witch in return - And neither should she. Tell her that she will respect you, she will take care of her own messes and she will begin to treat her children right. If she doesn't, cut off all ties with her. If she threatens to keep the grandkids from her, tell her you will call Child Protectice Services so fast her spoiled little head will spin. I think the key is to put your foot down - you deserve respect. Now, start acting like it!

Answer 2

Just give her a taste of her own medicine.
She does it because you let her... Don't talk to her and stand strong when she tries to "TAKE" from you
make her sign a contract saying it must be paid back, or worked off somehow. Let her know how you feel and tell her you won't be treated like that anymore, then you have to HAVE TO DO IT
You can also contact children services and you could be considered a better living environment, and be their legal guardian until she gets herself stable and gets some help

You have to deal with the rough for awhile (could take months), she will be mean, and not bring your grand-kids over, not call, not care, but if she has a heart in her body she will see how much you have done for her and will get over her EGO and apologize cause thats what you deserve

Answer 3

I am afraid to say that you are feeding the problem. Its time that you separated all the events surrounding your daughter. There are many issues at hand, and having them all mixed up is causing plenty of confusion. Here is a list of the issues at hand:
Love, money, help, expected returns, grand children, divorce, past problems, future worries.

You have to separate these issues and deal with them one at a time. Not every issue can be sorted immediately, nor alone. But some can be sorted faster than others. Begin to priorities the issues at hand. Make a list that is more detailed than mine. Use a branch technique to develop more refinement to each part. For instance: Money: How much, reasons for giving, how much over last few months or years. Who spent the money and what were your agreements.

Grand children: Who is involved, father, his parents, siblings; Who can help intervene on that particular issue, as in school teachers or counselors...Learn to separate, bring in the right people to help you on each situation, manage your priorities one at a time. Measure your success. React to your failings. Be honest with yourself first. And try not to be selfish. I know that seems a strange point given all you have given. But giving with expectations is worth less than saying no without expectations. Think about what drives you to make your decisions. Guilt? Compassion? Honor? Look in a mirror, and be clear about what you want first. You will find your reality more manageable.

Answer 4

I hate to say this, but she's using you. Nothing more. She just wants money. My sister is the same way. She called for money and was telling us this sob story of how she doesn't want to see her children starve. Blahblahblah. I suggest you talk to your daughter, tell her you'll take the kids for a while just until she get's back on her own two feet. If this doesn't work, I'm sorry to say, but you might want to do some research and see about social services and how you could get custody of the children until your daughter gets her life together. It seems like a viable option and from the way you describe her treatment of her own children and lack of money, I wouldn't doubt if you did get the children. Also if you can get the childrens father on your side or if he wants to take them for a while, as long as he's a better parent, at least it'll give your daughter time to get her life straightened out. She's using you and using her kids to make you feel guilty and she's using them against you to get what SHE wants. This has nothing to do with her, remember, what matters is your grandchildren and whats best for them, even if it means losing your daughter.

Answer 5

I feel really, really bad for you and I'd love to help in any way I can.

Okay, first of all, you are not an old dish rag. If she treats you badly, then don't treat her like the world, even if she is to you. The most I can tell you about this is that you should stop treating her perfectly and handingher everything.

About your granddaughters: If you want to treat them well but you cannot trust your daughter, do it yourself. My grandma (I call her G) used to give my mother money to buy me school stuff like clothes, bookbags, notebooks, ect. BUT my mother always got stuff for herself and I didn't get much. My mom bought me $10 worth of pencils or something and told G we got stuff when mom spent the other $240 or something. If your daughter is in a real money-crunch, she may do the same.

If your granddaughters are old enough (14 in PA) you can have them say, in a court of law, what really happens at home.

Also, if you choose to gey custody of them, at 8 years (in PA) they can choose who they wanna go with.

Best of luck in your endeavors!

Answer 6

From an outsider looking in, I see this same situation with my older sister and my mother. Here, it is the mother who treats the sister bad, and the sister who just can't seem to say no.

I looked all over for advice on this situation, and the only answer that made sense was for them to go their separate ways for a while, if not permanently. Its a hard thing to tell family, but when one person leans on another just because the other values the relationship, the situation can get out of control before you know it.

Your daughter is over 21, and a mother herself. It seems obviouse that she can only be troubled to think about you when she needs something, which isn't healthy. And you can't keep doing things for her just to feel that she needs you.

One way for you to distance yourself from your daughter, and the needs she should be meeting on her own, is to involve yourself in other activities in your community. There are LOADS of them out there. Learn something new. Join a ladies club, join your local YWCA. Get out there and do other things.

Honey, you raised your daughter, and while its ok to care for her, and her well being, this is the time she is learning the life skills she will need to teach her own daughters. If you are providing for her, and not letting her learn how to meet her needs on her own, how will she teach her own daugters when it is time for them to go out into the world?

Also, not bringing your concerns to your daughter or demanding that she return your money for fear that she will not let you see the grandkids, only handicaps you more. She can use the kids a leverage to get her way and she knows it. Write your daughter a letter. If that doesn't work, take her to court. It is important for your daughter to know that while you love her, that doesn't make you her doormat.

As for the kids, I'm sorry, but getting tough with your daughter may mean that she pulls the only real punch she has and uses them against you. If you are truely worried for their welfare, seek custody of them. Though honestly, if she is doing bad by them, it won't be long before someone else involves the social system, and at that point, you may be able to get temporary custody of them that way.

It sounds harsh, but if the social system takes the kids, even if they are placed with you, your daughter will have to shape up and prove that she can provide for them properly and on her own. You will know that the kids are safe, and your daughter will have to learn that she has to grow up.

Answer 7

Well,you need to grow up as much as she does,All you are doing is enabling her to be a screw up,and that is not a good thing.I'll tell you this,my 19 year old daughter,my first born baby girl princess love of my life tried that with me....and I threw her out.You let a person sh%t on you without doing anything about,and they will do it all the time.Not to be an #sshole,but you raised her and obviously if she is treating her kids like garbage,it is your fault.You owe it to her kids who, are suffering due to your actions.I'm sorry but she sounds like a waste of skin.I raised my two older kids alone with no help from their mother and they had a gtreat life that is why I do not put up with any crap from them...it's time you do the same

Answer 8

When parents don't discipline their children for fear the kids will hate them, you know that isn't doing the kids any favors. It's bad for the parents because they will get taken advantage of and not appreciated, and it's bad for the kids because they grow up being selfish jerks that no one wants to be around. When kids are given boundaries and made to stay within them they grow up loving their parents for it, NOT hating them. I know yours is grown - but I think the same general rules still apply. It's time for some tough love! You need to confront her with what you told us and how you feel about it and DO NOT let her hold your grandchildren over your head. I would tell her you would be glad to take the kids again to help out while she is getting her act together, but that you will not be able to offer any more money.

Answer 9

I am so sorry for your pain. I have two daughters and I can't imagine them treating me in such a way. I am not trying to judge you at all but I think that maybe you have to stop lending her money and let her survive on her own for a bit. I know that your grandaughters mean the world to you but letting your daughter provide for herself is not only gonna help her learn to appreciate you more but it is gonna teach her to one day set the same examples for her children. I believe in helping our children out but when it reaches a point where they just don't see the blessing in your help anymore then it can become poisonous. I hope this has helped you and feel free to add me so that we may talk more I love helping people in any way I can. Bless You.

Answer 10

Get some therapy. Sounds like a cheap answer, but I assure you it isn't. This isn't a problem that someone can throw an easy answer at you and solve all your problems. It will take work, and getting a professional to help you is a great place to start. Discuss it with your doctor and go from there. Good luck!