Am I doing the right thing for my daughters future?

Question

I have a wonderful 3 and 1/2 year old daughter. My ex husband is an alcoholic. He drinks heavily and its only gotten worse & worse since we separated 2 years ago. We have mostly tried to stay civil towards each other since, but he would often call me up to 30 times a night leaving horrible messages/then apologizing. In april i took my daughter to drop her off where he lives with his parents and he told me "i hate you, i wish you were dead, you make my life hell," all in front of my daughter. I left with my daughter. I am pretty sure he was drunk. I got a restraining order the next day. His family doesn't take his drinking seriously (even though he hasnt held a steady job since early 2005and he has 3duis) They blame me for his drinking. I know i am doing whats in my daughters best interest, but i never imagined being a single mother, AND having her entire paternal family against me. I am sad for my daughter that they arent in her life. I feel alone. Until he gets help i cant let himnear

Answer 1

i agree with what youre doing. it is tough. but in the long run your daughters health and welfare are whats at stake.

Answer 2

I say BRAVO to you. You are doing the ABSOLUTE correct thing. Your ex needs help and, if their family can't see that, you need to take steps. Let's run this scenario out. what if the grandparents petition the court to get your daughter. And don't think it is far fetched. It could happen, You need to put yourself in that mind set and start thinking from there. Some questions to ask:

1. Could you move somewhere else? She's young enough and she will adapt.

2. You have a TRO against him. Why not take his visitation rights? You need to be AGGRESSIVE not Passive. your Daughter comes first. A TRO is only good if the POLICE will enforce it.

I think you need to take the bull by the horns and start the process of taking his parental rights. I would also ask a lawyer since he lives with his parents if you could enjoin them in the suit. He may not have money, but, you can put the heat on the parents. They hate you already, but, what have they truly done for your daughter? I'm guessing not much since they can't admit to his drinking 2 years after your separation.

one question i would ask, and I'll ask your forgiveness, but did you know he was a heavy drinker? If you did, then you made a huge mistake

You need to start the process of the divorce. You need to "throw the first punch" otherwise, you could be on the receiving end of this. Just imagine if:

1. he files
2. he wins
3. he gets your daughter
4. you pay the child support
and yes it is possible.

Proactive. that's the cure

Answer 3

With three DUI's, I'm suprised he's not in prison.

I do think you're doing the right thing.

If I were you, I'd try to cultivate a relationship with your former in-laws for your daughter's sake. Tell them that they can see her, so long as the provisions of the restraining order are met (meaning if he's in the house, she is not). And continue to stress to them that a grown man not holding a job, and three DUI's, does not count as normal. He has a problem. The best case scenario would be that he gets the help he needs and can become a positive part of your daughter's life. Tap into their values. Getting treatment is the best thing for him.

May I make a suggestion? Don't back down on child support. File for it as soon as possible. The judge will probably offer him somewhere around 2 weeks to be gainfully employed, and the amount of child support will be ruled on at that point. He has a responsibility, and it sounds like he'd have to be forced to step up to it.

Answer 4

Sounds like his family is enabling his behavior. What a shame. But families do it all the time ... like the family that hid the guy that molested and killed that little girl in Florida. People are crazy ....

You will probably need to get a lawyer at some point and get the custody bit taken care of. Sounds like he is a no-good and is only getting worse.

Do your best not to get into spats with him around your daughter and keep your personal lives out of it if you can. Also, try not to talk bad about him in front of your little girl. She may not understand everything now, but she will remember things and she will know what is what when she gets older.

Good Luck

Answer 5

Yes you are doing the right thing. You could easily stay in the relationship and your daughter will think its ok to have a drunk husband who belittles you. We all want our kids to be 10 times better then we were and become good mature adults. Get over the single parent thing there are thousands of us single parents out there. You may meet someone to put happiness in your life.

Answer 6

i think of time and area could be what's mandatory. enable or no longer it truly is a lesson to computer screen your criticisms, tremendously approximately trivial concerns. There are effects. %. your battles. you're actually not on my own. many human beings have made blunders like this. What I do now - i think of - how substantial is this? Is it a huge deal or can i enable it bypass? you may bypass any different way too however. it truly is tough to discover a stability between letting issues bypass and speaking up too lots. supply her time and area and that i'm constructive she will have the flexibility to return around, tremendously if it replaced into something trivial. i does not carry it as much as her back. Or in case you do, think of heavily. think of roughly what her reaction must be. you should ask for forgiveness and clarify why you probably did it. ? Why it replaced into incorrect and why it truly is not substantial. ask for forgiveness for no longer pondering her emotions approximately it.

Answer 7

Encourage your ex to get help. Until he sobers up you are doing the best for your daughter. If you think your daughter needs a father figure. let her spend time with your dad or brother if one is around. Being a single parent is tough, but your daughter is better off without her dad around if he is drunk. Find a single parent support group in your area to help you thru this.

Answer 8

I think you are doing the right thing. I would rather not expose my child to an alcoholic because that imprint could be trouble down the line. As for the family hating you that seems to occur with all families as a result of divorce, this will lessen in time. Good luck to you.

Answer 9

I have gone through the same thing as you. As far as I know he has not blamed me for anything he has been 100% missinf sinceour divorce. His parents blame me for driving him to drink.I am really sorry about this because our children have been cheated out of one set of grandparents. I have never talked to my children about their father in a negative way, always telling them he is very sick, and the grandparents don't understand because they have not seem him. So yes you must protect your daughter at all costs. It will be difficult at times, and you will be looked at as the problem, but remember you are the mother doing what is best for your daughter. Families tend to stick together and not see problems in the members of the family so they will always be looking somewhere or to someone to blame for their problems. Hang in there you can make it.

Answer 10

If you are doing your best in your heart, you are doing the right thing.
My mother left my father with 6 of his children because of his drinking and drug use. Yes when i was little, I missed my father and I didnt understand what was going on, but now I understand what was happening and thank her for doing what she did. Being a single mom with 6 kids is one of the hardest things i can imagine going through, and she did it all for her children so we wouldn't be subjected to his behavior.
I now have never done any drugs or alcohol because I have seen what it can do firsthand to loved ones.
Be strong darling, your needs will be met if you are able to ask for help when you need it.

Answer 11

My father was an alcoholic as well. My mother divorced him after both of her children were adults, claiming that she'd had enough, and that she really only stuck it out for the children. I'm fairly certain that had she taken us away from him when we were younger, we could've grown up in a more healthy environment.

Nobody else can (should!) tell you what is best for your daughter... as a mother, you have intuition, instinct, and insight that nobody else will have for her well-being. Trust in yourself as a mother, and you will continue to provide the best possible environment that you can.

Oh, yeah... don't think that it is within your power to change your ex-husband. I spent my entire life trying to help my father out of the mire of alcohol, and while there were periods of sobriety, they would always end in utter frustration. The alcoholic is the *only* person who will be able to overcome his problem. While it is true that he will need a very supportive team of people to be there for him (family, friends, AA sponsor,) in the end, he will have to do it for himself.

My heart goes out to you... your life as a single mother will never be easy, but in the end, it will be worth it for your daughter's sake *and* for yours too.

Best wishes!