Question for LDS men - though other men can add their thoughts as well.?

Question

My husband has always had a steady job, but never one that made enough to support a family. (ie. $25,000 - $35,000) so I have always had to work too to keep a roof over our head. Every time we discuss him looking into a different line of work or education, his answer is "I don't know what I want to do". He then asks me to tell him what to do. For the first 15 years or so, I tried to help him find answers, but I now have refused to do so any more. I've explained to him that it is part of his priesthood responsibility to provide for his family, but instead of taking it to the Lord, or even discussing it with other men, he wants me to solve his problem. What should I do?

Let me add the following:

My standard of living has been rock bottom for years. I drive a 7 year old Neon and raised 4 kids in a 700 sq. foot apartment. Our home, now that we finally have one, is 1100 sq. feet. And I have prayed for years about this. The answer I keep getting is that hubby has his agency.

Answer 1

religious beliefs don't have much to do with it. If you tell him what to do he can then avoid responsibility and blame any failure on you. If he wants he to get somewhere he can have a professional job skills assessment/aptitude test done at a job placement agency, from books at the library, and even some free ones available online if you do a search. It's just a matter of caring enough/wanting to help oneself and making an effort/commitment to do what it takes. I don't know what I want to do is a cop out. If you're always picking up the slack and making up the difference, maybe he's just too lazy to care? Actually there is a good do it yourself assessment book I'd recommend... "what color is your parachute" it's continually updated by the author to keep up with the changing times. (requires thought and some effort) Good luck!

Answer 2

well I'm not a man, but I'm an LDS woman and I am dealing with the same exact situation. my husband make 45,000-50,000 per year, but we also live in San Diego where homes are expensive. He is very unhappy with what he does and I would prefer a smiling husband walk through the door everyday. He doesn't have any other experience, but I think of careers that he would enjoy that would bring in some more money. He went to see a sports Dr today and came home wanting to be an X-ray technician. This would require some schooling, but if it brings in more money in the end....I think he should go for it. This conversation comes up a lot and it always leads to having to go back to school which we can't really afford right now. All I can do is be supportive and let him know that I will do whatever I can to make this transition. I have done the research myself because he won't do it. He always has these ideas (inventions, and ways to make millions, but never follows through). It's very frustrating, but all I can do is tell him I agree in hopes that one day he will actually go out and DO IT! I don't want to say that he is lazy, but I'm starting to think he is because he won't get out there and do anything about his great WONDERFUL ideas.

I would make an apt to see the Bishop and hopefully he will encourage to get out there and find a way to make more money. If he doesn't have a degree...that would be the first step.

Hope this helps!

Answer 3

People will not like my answer (I am assuming ahead of time) but here is my two cents worth. This life is but a short time in the big picture of the eternities. We will only be here for some 70-80 years at most. Life with God in the eternities will cause us to look back on this mortal experience and wonder why we took so much issue with trivial things. It will all seem so inconsequential that we worried and fussed over our standard of livings. It really doesn't matter in the end.

Now, if you are still reading this, I would say with that said, God has told us that man should have joy in this life. I think that through encouragement, through persistence, through love unfeigned, and through a swift kick in the rear by talking to the Bishop or Stake President, one can jump start some enthusiasm. But if all of that fails, it all really doesn't matter As the nursery rhyme song goes, "Life is but a dream." Its what happens afterwards in the eternities that is real.

Answer 4

I'm not a man. I'm not even married, so take my answer for what it's worth. But couldn't you make it a matter of prayer during family prayer or couples prayer? Or what about asking him to fast with you about it? Are you close enough to a temple for both of you to go there and contemplate it?
You say you've tried to give him ideas in the past. Have you asked him to take one of the many career quizzes that's supposed to help you pick a good field of study based on your likes/dislikes? I'll include a website I've used before just in case. What about asking your HT to give him a blessing concerning this? I mention all of these things, as if they are directed to you, but I think they should really be coming from him.
If he doesn't want to step up and magnify his priesthood responsibilities by providing for his family, then there's not much you can do to MAKE him.
I hope things improve for you, but after 15 years, they may not.


UPDATE: He for sure has his agency. And if that is your answer to prayer, then I would say God has spoken. Assuming your husband knows how you feel about this, then there is nothing more you should do. Don't nag, or be insistant. And certainly don't try to trick him, or change his mind about it. While there are distinct advantages to having more money, there are distinct disadvantages to having money too. You may be only making it by the skin of your teeth each month, but there are distinct learning and growing experiences as well as protection in being in that financial situation. I also seem to be on a similar financial ladder rung as you and your family. But I'm learning to embrace the fact that while "I" think I would be better off with more money, God KNOWS what I would be like if I had more money and that may not be as good as I think it would be. I try to remember that old saying, Bloom where your planted. It helps me remember that for some people, me included, there is never enough when it comes to some things. Also trying to remember that they are just THINGS, they aren't what's REALLY important. It sounds to me like you are where you need to be. If you were to push it, either with your husband or with God, things might/probably will get much worse and you may even long for the days you have now.

So I guess my final advice is to take the personal revelation you have been given, take a deep breath, and bloom where your planted. Be grateful for the small things, and be grateful that you don't have the financial temptations that others sometimes find themselves in. Perhaps this is a trial of patience and your reward is waiting for you on the other side.

Answer 5

I question how much faith this man has in himself or prayer. He must find ways to develop a more personal relationship w/Heavenly Father for guidance. I'd like to think he prayed over marrying you, what job to be in, how many kids, etc. So this should be no different. He must make use of fasting, prayer, and his priesthood leaders for direction. Nevertheless, you may yet be an instrument in God's hands to send the message your husband needs to hear.

Answer 6

As a woman in the Church, I can tell you that this is NOT what we are taught.

I heard a woman speak once who said that there were 3 people in her marriage, her husband, herself and the Lord. She figured if 2 of them were dedicatd to keeping it going then it would work. She is still married today over 30 years later. I take her story to mean that if you pray about it, you will know what to do. Remember that we are daughters of our Heavenly Father and He is always there for us. Pray about it!

Also, marriage is a team effort. If he is doing all he can do, then he IS honoring his priesthood.

Have you thought about lowering your standard of living? Smaller home, older car, thrift store clothes? That's what I've done to live with a lower income so I can have weekends off work and attend church regularly.

Answer 7

This is a truism: It's not what you know but who you know. It's about contacts in the business world, and who makes decisions. Perhaps the bishop can start the ball rolling, but it's ultimately up to your hubby to keep the inertia. He would do well to develop as many contacts as possible, and if in a technical or manual labor field, move into management. Education is critical, but if you do not have the motivation to change, things remain stagnant.

"No amount of planning will ever replace dumb luck" only works if you're just lucky.

Answer 8

rather than tell him exactly what to do, try to subtly encourage him. gloat over him and tell him how smart he is, how good he is at this or that. make him feel respected for something he is good at. tell him "God gave you that gift, maybe He would like you to use it in this way." you are a woman, using your subtleties can get you far. always assure him that you still love him, in return he should want to protect and show the same love for you and your family. i don't know exactly how your church works, but suggest that he talk to an older, wiser man whose figured out what to do with his life and gone through what your husband is going through.

i am not mormon or a man, but i felt the need to help...God bless!

Answer 9

I would encourage him to look for work that will allow you to do as you want to do. The prophet is clear that God has set forth a plan of order that is to be followed whenever possible. If your husband is capable of supporting your family, but he chooses not to, I would say that you should strongly encourage him to take responsibility. Obviously, I do not know what entering a different line of work would require or how difficult it would be, but it seems that it would be the ideal in this situation.

Answer 10

Beyond any religious obligation, any man who does not provide at least a stable and sufficient existence for his family is deficient in my book.

Now on whether you should help him solve his problem, he needs to have the drive to solve it before he can seek help from others. He feels weak on the issue so he places it on your shoulders.

I am not LDS, but I know enough LDS girls who would say the same thing.