Grandparent favors one granchild over another?

Question

I was wondering on how to deal with a grandparent who openly favors one grandchild over another? I have noticed before that my mother in law favors her older son; however after we had children it became obvious. My mother in law spends a lot of time with my niece and buys her expensive things, while my daughter gets cheap trinkets. My niece is 2 years old and my daughter is 8 month, so they are not at the age when they understand but I am wondering what to do long term. There were a couple of incidents that really affected me. First one happened couple of months ago. My daughter just had her shots and she was sleeping. We saw my mother in law with my niece at the park, my niece started to cry because she wanted to touch the baby. I refused to let her touch her, because my daughter would wake up and start to cry. My mother in law said, she is crying let her touch her! She did not care that my daughter who just had her shots would wake up and cry. Couple of weeks ago, we saw my mother in law at the mall. We saw that she was buying expensive items for my niece. When she saw us, she said that she bought something for my daughter also. It was the ugliest, cheapest shorts that I have ever seen, while my niece is getting all designer stuff. Last straw was this weekend. My mother in law kept promising that she would take my daughter for a night, so we could have some rest. This weekend we took her up on the offer. Couple of minutes later, she called us back saying that she does not feel well. Later we found out that my niece stayed over that night. I am so mad but I don’t know what to do? My husband is really upset also but he does not know what to do either. Should we yell and scream or should we hold our head high and pretend that nothing is going on? Should we keep our daughter from seeing her grandparents?

Answer 1

I wouldn't even bother with her. Does she favor the girl's parents as well? There's not much you can do. If you let her have contact with your child, make it on your terms. If she doesn't show up, she doesn't get another chance for a long time. I hope your child has another grandparent figure she can look up to.

Answer 2

It happens sometimes, that Grandparents favor one grandchild over another for whatever reason. Maybe the child reminds them of themselves at that age or a favorite aunt,,,who knows, it happens...but you can turn it for good by holding your head high, telling your daughter how wonderful she is and ignoring it when the Grandmother treats her in a different way ..I'll bet if you ignore it, she will. And you surely don't want to cause these two little girls to be jealous of each other. Remember, it is your attitude, your daughter will pick up on. Never let your daughter know your feelings about this. And there is the fact that your daughter is just not old enough to have fun with Grandmother, the way the other little girl is...just wait until she can talk and look her Grandmother in the eye...might make all the difference..

Answer 3

Don't ask her for anything. Don't expect anything. Stop trying to make someone else play fair. You have to realize that with some people life revolves around them. It's how they feel. It's how they are affected. It's what they want that matters most. You can't win with that kind of person. You can control what goes on with your immediate family. Don't worry about cheap gifts. Say thank you and put it aside. If you don't want your daughter touched or woken, that's your decision, stick by it. Who cares if a spoiled brat cries. And if your daughter was older and grandma had someone over in her place, she would feel demoralized. You can't let that happen to her until she is old enough to get married. She can see the inlaw grandparents on holidays just like the rest of the extended family. No special privileges. Remember the definition of respect: Treat other people the way you want to be treated. She isn't doing that, which means she isn't being respectful. Don't be cold to her, just professional.

Answer 4

This is so sad. My mother-in-law also favored one over the other. Unfortunately, they were sisters! She gave the older one all sorts of things and the second almost nothing. What she did give her was never anything that could be used. They were only a year and a half apart, so it wasn't as if she had lost money in the mean time. We never were able to figure out how to get her to see what she was doing.
Now that I am a grandmother I want to be sure I don't do that sort of thing to my grandchildren. I know that I didn't give you any advice, but know that at least one other person understands how you are feeling about this.

Answer 5

Wow, this is sad. Is it that she has a problem with you? If so she should be old enough and mature enough not to take it out on her Innocent grandchild. While she's acting foolish she's missing out on what I'm sure is a beautiful little girl. It's her loss not yours. I'm sure you don't want your daughter to feel mistreated once she's old enough to understand. So the 2 of you should have a talk with her and see if the true problem can be solved before theses kids get older. This may cause a strained relationship on 2 cousins. I pray the best for your family.

Answer 6

you're married into the family, so it's your husband's responsibility to deal with Mom, not yours. The first step is to make sure your man has the cohones to stand up to mommy because anything you say or do won't hold as much water and you'll just be seen as the devil B****.
I'd suggest to your husband to talk politely and maturely to his mom about the obvious preferencial treatment. He should be able to ask why the difference in treatment. Hollering and shouting about it will get you no where and only make matters worse. Your husband should be able to explain (depending on his relationship with mom) that your kids are too young right now, but very soon they're going to recognize this difference in treatment. Hopefully, it's a subconcious thing she's doing, and grandmom will correct it. If she ignores it, let it go, but do NOT expect her to change... know what she is and don't ask her for the favors that she's proven that she can't keep. Just be civil and polite, but know not to expect her to change.

As your children get older, your job as parents isn't to talk bad about the grandparents and make sure they grow up with respect for them. Difference in treatment that's obvious to you may be completely unnoticed by a young child and it's possible you're being oversensitive. Another possibility in quality of gifts is maybe your neices and nephews are used to getting designer stuff and you shop at walmart? I don't know the family, but if I knew my brother always shopped at walmart, I wouldn't buy his kids clothes from abercrombie. Maybe your mother-in-law really did like those shorts that you thought were hideous! My mom buys stuff for my daughter that I don't like, but i know she does.
If your kids to eventually notice the difference in treatment or attention that is obvious to you, simply tell your children "I don't know why she treats you differently, why don't you ask Grandma about it if you feel that way?" That would be a priceless moment to sit by your child's side while they ask that question, but hopefully, it doesn't come to that!
Escalating won't help things so make sure conversations are between your son and his mom and they're calm, and i wish you the best of luck... it doesn't sound like an easy one.

Answer 7

WELL THIS ALL MAY BE FAVORITISM..BUT.... the 2 year old is walking and is almost potty trained..older ppl dont like takin care of babies..also the 2 year old will be in her clothes longer then your 8th month old..im telling you ppl dont like dealing with babies..if the case is shes playing favorites..it will never change..my grandmom played favorites with my cousin took her everywhere ..never invited me over..i always was at my grandpops..i guess he favored me a little more cuz my cuz was a bad mouth..but it wont change..now my grandmom lives in another state and my cuz dont even talk to her..my cousin stopped talking to her a lot too becuase of the favoritism..even tho it was to her..she has a son now and woulndt want our grandmom to do it to her kids..i think you should juss stay away from her..your kid is better off...i know from experience

Answer 8

i think u should confront ur mother in law because that's not fair ur child is also younger than ur niece and should spend time with her grandparents, but maybe u should not have the baby around someone who does not want to be around the baby. Hold ur head up high enjoy ur baby's younger years forget about grandma. obiously she doesnt care.

Answer 9

This is SO common with all family members. And there is not much you can do. You could complain, but she will not care..and you could just keep away from her, but then you loose out on the good stuff too.

The best you can do is to just minimaze things. Don't bother asking her to do things for the one she does not like. And just accept she will buy them junk. Just ignore the way she acts.

Answer 10

You need to tell her everything. You need to tell her that she's being mean, and having favoritism. Just let it all out and maybe scream a little It seems rude, but that's obviously the only way to get it across to her. She's being really rude.
Good luck!