A very good friend and I were planning our weddings at the same time. I was going to marry the man I had been with for 3 years and had a child with. It would be my first (and I would hope only) wedding. She is marrying for a second time and had only been with him for 3 months before he asked.
Anyway my (now ex) finace and I were going to be married in January through a justice of the peace and then have a ceremony in the summer. He took off, yet to be heard from, a week before we had it planned. But every time I talked to her after that happened, all she wanted to talk about was how her planning was going. I found it to be very insensitive and rude knowing what just happened in my life. Am I wrong?
2007-07-02 05:58:13 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
I felt that since my son's father had just abandoned the both of us with no explanation or warning, and my wedding was now torn away from me, it was incredibly insensitive for her to go on and on about the caterer and the gown and so on when I didn't ask and she didn't even allow me a week to get past it. She would call me to tell me about these things.
2007-07-02 06:05:45 · update #1
I would never expect her to cancel, postpone or anything else. Her wedding is still 10 months away now and this happened back in January. And I wasn't calling her to talk about what happened, she was calling me to tell me what she was doing and ask my opinion.
2007-07-02 06:12:32 · update #2
A lot of you are just assuming that I was calling her and crying to her about it. That's not the case. I am very happy for her and her fiance. They are both wonderful people for the most part. But my life was turned upside down over night, and in my opinion to call me the very next day to tell me how wonderful hers is in incredibly self-absorbed behavior.
And for Lizette: I'm sure you're right. I worked 7 days a week and took our son to work with me, only to come home and cook and clean and pay all the bills myself and support all three of us while he sat on his *** trying to get over his depression and drug addiction, but I'm sure this was all my fault. It's nice that you can laugh at someone else's misfortune, I hope nothing that life altering ever happens to you.
And I am over the entire situation, that's why I am asking this now instead of then. I just wanted to know how many people out there think like I do.
2007-07-02 06:34:46 · update #3
In response to Lydia: Don't judge me. He wanted to get married several times, but I wasn't going to get married for the wrong reasons. I certainly hope that none of you ever find yourself in this situation. Why do all of you think I was insensitive to her? I didn't say anything about bringing her down, or not being happy and supportive of her.
2007-07-02 10:19:59 · update #4
People tend to use big personal events (such as weddings) as an excuse to be rude and selfish. She should have tiptoed around things, but you're not going to get an apology. After all, her wedding is the biggest thing in the world!
2007-07-02 06:02:00 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 4⤋
I am sorry to hear about your situation. I know this might sounds strange, but perhaps she does not know how to help you cope with what you are going through. Some people do not know how to handle certain things, even if it is a friend going through a rough time. She might just keep calling you with the details etc...because she thinks in some strange way that it will distract you from your own problems. I honestly do not think she even realizes how hurtful it is to you when she calls and talks about those things. People get so wrapped up in their own lives that sometimes they do not even know how to help their own friends. I would try to focus on the positive things in your life, no matter how hard that is. I know it is easier to focus on someone else, but I think you need to look out for yourself right now. Instead of getting angry, just tell her you are going through a rough time and would rather not talk the next time she calls. If she is a true friend, she will respect your wishes. Good luck to you and hang in there.
2007-07-02 13:13:06 · answer #2 · answered by SargeeBee 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's very possible that she's trying to avoid the subject that she knows is going to upset you...Miss Manners, after all, would recommend that she offer her regrets about your situation, and then move on with being your friend, but otherwise dropping the topic (to spare you any additional grief).
It may be tough for you right now, but most of us would prefer to focus on the positive, instead of dwelling on the negative. Besides that, she still has a wedding to plan, and she can't just stop now.
I have two recommendations:
1) Try to enjoy the excitement of your friend's upcoming wedding! This is the biggest day of her life, and as a friend, one would hope you'd be able to enjoy the celebration, at least on her behalf.
2) Tell your friend that you'd like some quiet time, to talk about what's bothering you, and leave off the wedding chat a bit. It's okay to be sad, and it's okay to ask your friends to talk through your problems with you.
2007-07-02 13:08:11 · answer #3 · answered by abfabmom1 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure it's hard for you knowing the jerk turned into a wuss. It probably makes it double hard hearing your friend planning her wedding. But she can't postpone or cancel her wedding on account of yours being ruined. Whether you think it's unfair or not, her happy day is still a go!
One thing I would ask: has she shown any feeling for your wedding being ruined? What has she said about that bozo running off? If she hasn't shown any feeling at all, then yes, I can understand a little more about your feelings being hurt when she talks about her wedding.
Have you asked her why she acts this way, and that it hurts your feelings? I assume that, being very good friends, that you can talk about just about anything.
Those other two bozo answerers up there don't realize this idiot left a kid behind, too. Shows the state of their mind.
Good luck, and God Bless.
2007-07-02 13:06:27 · answer #4 · answered by Sacrificial 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Maybe it is a little insensitive. But no more insensitive than your not allowing her to enjoy her happiness. The door swings both ways. Yes - I am sure that it is painful for you to hear about her wedding planning when you are having a tough time. On the other hand, it is also a bit selfish for you to expect her to guard herself from sharing what is an especially happy time for her. I know that it is hard for you to hear about blissful romance right now. That is understandable. But - if you cannot be grown up enough to allow your friend to be happy and not try and hide what is going on in her life, then you need to distance yourself from her. I am sure she is not trying to rub anything in your face. You can't expect other people's worlds to stop just because things are not going well for you. You need to either be able to handle this, or dissassociate yourself with your friend. Otherwise, you are being selfish and insensitive too.
2007-07-02 13:10:05 · answer #5 · answered by Anj 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No ones wrong... as your friend she should be supportive and listen to you and take your feelings into consideration, however as her friend you should also be supportive... She's still getting married remember.... You can't expect that she will ruin (or call off) her big day just cause you are no longer getting married... Its sort of insensitive of you to put a damper on her wedding and make her feel uncomfortable or expect that she somehow feel guilty...
I'm sure she's not purposely rubbing it in your face or anything (which would be EXTREMELY insensitive), she's just excited about her wedding.... you will have your big day too one day and will be just as excited and driving everyone around you nuts with your plans!!
Be happy for her, but talk to her, mention your feelings and maybe you 2 should have a girls night out where ALL wedding talk is off limits!!
Good Luck :)
2007-07-02 13:06:01 · answer #6 · answered by busymum 5 · 0⤊ 1⤋
yes, i think it is insensitive. But you have to see this from her point of view too. She's starting a great new phase of her life, and she probably wants to share it with you and talk about it alot. She would probably be much more sympathetic if she wasn't having her own wedding, but this is a huge part of her life. Tell her straight up that you're very excited for her and know that she's going to have a great wedding and marriage, but also that you want her to realize the hurt and saddness you're going through, and that talking about weddings all the time is hard. I hope she understands.
2007-07-02 13:08:17 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
she's caught up in her wedding and you've just been through hell - and right now neither one of you can be there for the other or want to hear about it. It's just the way it is. What you're going through is horrible - and it's bringing her down & she just can't relate - that's just where she's at right now. As for you, you are in a very bad place right now - you've been dumped and now you're a single Mom and you have to be very strong and you really don't want to listen to someone's wedding prattle & that's okay too. You need time to heal. It's okay too. Hopefully, when her wedding come around, you'll be in a happier place & able to attend with a new date and a smile on your face. Good luck & Goddess bless!
2007-07-02 15:44:37 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Yes, a little insensitive I think. But I don't think her intentions were bad. Also, you were probably extra-sensitive to this topic at the time, so her perception of how much she talked about her wedding, and your perception of it, could have been dramatically different. (She very well may have thought that she had only mentioned a few things in passing, and to you it came off as if this was "all" she was talking about. Perception plays tricks on us sometimes.) I'm sorry this had happened to you, it's gotta be one of the worst experiences to have gone through.
2007-07-02 13:33:35 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
She may not realize how insensitive she is being, but yes she should be more understanding of your situation. Wedding talk only lasts so long so you could stick it out or be upfront and explain to her it's too hard of a subject for you at this time.
You also have to remember her big day just passed and as you expect her to be a good friend, you must be a good friend in return.
The only one wrong in this situation is your ex.
2007-07-02 13:03:53 · answer #10 · answered by Liz 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You are comparing your apples to her oranges a bit.....
Respect her right to be happy. She is not required to be unhappy because your plans have changed......
If you are uncomfortable being around her, then go where you are comfortable.
Reminder for you: When life doesn't go the way YOU plan it is all ways because God has a better idea for you....... Keep your eyes & mind open.
Sounds like the guy leaving was a blessing...... If you love someone the kindest thing you can do for them is set them FREE.
Maybe he will come to terms with himself and take responsibility for his part of the relationship, maybe he won't. Either way, you are blessed with a child..... and God wouldn't have given you one if you couldn't handle it.
Enjoy your blessings.
Don't focus too much on the temporary disappointments.
2007-07-02 13:07:47 · answer #11 · answered by wildflower 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋