Can I be Comfortable with an Open Relationship?

Question

I have been with my boyfriend/fiance for six years. He really wants to have an open relationship, we he can sleep with other women. He wants more excitment or variety. I have been trying to deal with this, and trying to be comfortable with it. Just sex with other women, as in one-night-stand type deals (of course ones that have been tested and are clean) doesn't bother me as badly. I still just don't like the thought of him with someone else. But, he really wants to find one other person to have a long-term relationship on the side with. I just don't think I can handle that, and all the problems it brings. He has this idea that monogamy is wrong and that being with more than one person is natural. And when I tell him I just don't like him being with other people he can't understand it, he says. He says that its just something selfish, and that I want him all to myself so I can say I "own" him. And that's not it at all. I just don't know how to make him understand why it bothers me.

Answer 1

i am sorry but he is totally trying to control you! he is telling you that YOU are being selfish because you dont want to SHARE him. that is total bs. you cannot be comfortable with sharing your boyfriend of 6 years, because you are not comfortable. its just that easy!! there is no way to get him to understand that by asking you to share him is not only demeaning to your relationship but to your sense and sensibilites as a woman. i know you put a lot into this 6 years, but really if he insists on having an affair, because that is what it is, there is no way to save this relationship. and warning, if he all of a sudden says that he is going to drop the idea of having a woman on the side, he is LYING. clearly he wants it and will do anything to maintain it. another piece of information, any woman that comes into a relationship knowing that the man has another woman, is trashy and probably sleeping with another man or men on the side as well, therefore, your health is at jeopardy!! get out before you catch something that medicine cannot cure!!!

Answer 2

Hi there,
Let me start out with there are many types of people out there and you and your boyfriend/fiance are two different people and it will never work unless one changes. You are not a bad person for wanting the traditional relationship where there is just you and him. And there is nothing wrong with your man wanting to have one other woman that he is with. Before you or anyone else reading this starts to jumps down my neck let me expand. I am a woman that when I met my husband and I knew we were going to be together forever, I asked him if he wanted to be with another woman and he said no. But if he had of said yes I would have been okay with it only, if his other woman knew he was married and it was just for butty calls when I could not help him in his time of need. I had to let him know that I wasn't going to sleep with anyone else but I know that men have needs and sometime we as women can not always be there for our man when he wants it. What I am getting at here, is that no one is right and no one is wrong, the only time you are wrong is if you keep lying to yourself and stay in a relationship that you are not comfortable in. Hunny you have to love yourself (I am getting from your question, is you are not 100% about yourself and some men feeds off of that and uses that) but once you do, than other men that are like, who wants traditional relationships you will find you and you will be very happy. But don't try and fool yourself into believing that one day you will be okay with it, because if you haven't after six years you will never be. And don't go out there sleeping around just to prove a point to your man because you are not that kind of person and it won't change a thing but the way you feel about yourself in a bad way. So go with your heart and jump out there, tell your man how you truly feel and love yourself and the rest will follow. Drop me a note at my email if you need someone to just talk to. I am a great listener.

Answer 3

He's being selfish. He's not ready to settle down with you alone, but he wants you as a fall back.
He could become enamored with one of these women and end up leaving you and then try and come back when it doesn't work.
He could also bring you an STD. He's so selfish he would risk your health for his ego.
He won't ever understand why it bothers you because he doesn't care to. Right now he's trying to hit every button on you to get what he wants, that's selfish.
You don't own him, but if you give him his way he will own your emotions.
RUN. Break it off. He's not worth the heartache. The chances of him being faithful to you just dropped out. He's going to do it with or without your blessing, don't let yourself be his fall back when he can't find it anywhere else.
Good Luck.

Answer 4

First off, I don't think you should be engaged to him. Having an open relationship can work, but definatly NOT in the terms that he's thinking. When you're engaged to someone, you don't date and sleep with anyone else no matter what! You have every right to be bothered. It has nothing to do with saying you 'own' him, that's stupid. If he thinks that monogamy is wrong, he is the wrong guy to be engaged to. You should be with someone who thinks the same way you do and only wants to be with you. Being with ONLY one person is what is natural. If I were you, I'd end it. eFind someone who thinks the way you do about relatoinships.

Answer 5

I can understand why it would bother you. My question is if he doesn't like the idea of monogomy and being commited to one person, why did he ask you to marry him? (Im assuming he did, because you refer to him as your fiance) This is something where if he feels strongly about having a multi partner relationship and its something you aren't comfortable with....perhaps you should walk away from the relationship. If I were in your shoes, I cant imagine how hard it would be to have someone you love say they want to be with other people. Although you love him, I believe it will only cause you hate and discontent in the future if you try to force fit the type of relationship he wants. Perhaps when he realizes he is going to lose you...being with other women wont be nearly as important.

Answer 6

You are right to be uncomfortable and concerned. This guy has serious commitment issues or he wouldn't even be suggesting this. Ask yourself why you all have been together 6 years and are not yet married? If he is hell bent on this then you need to get out and move on. He will only break your heart.

There is nothing wrong with monogamy. It is what God intended, no matter what you read in the old testament. God wants there to be one man and one woman in the relationship. Don't let him drag you into this.

God Bless!

Answer 7

Open relationships can truly work with mature people. But it is only for a few. There are too many hangups, especially in Americans. You will find them more often in liberal states like California. But both people have to be ready for it. You're not, and maybe never will be. That doesn't mean your wrong and he's right. No right or wrong... just people being themselves. I suspect you will need to move on as he won't change. Eventually he will cheat if you don't agree and then what.

Answer 8

ha! he is already cheating on you and you dont know it, he is trying to convince you it will be ok , he has the problem with commitment not you right? drop him sounds like he is taking u down with him, maybe he just doesnt want to let you go either, and thats why he is making an "open" relationship deal with you..... how does he feel if you are with other people? throw that one out in this "deal" of his, or even tell him you found someone your going to hook up with and you know when he plans going out so you can also go out.... give him a taste of his own medicine..... good luck girl all he is lookin for is chaos

Answer 9

Having a relationship on the side can be very strenuous on a relationship so I'd say that you should talk to him about this and explain the negative effects of having an open relationship.

A lot of relationships have been torn to peices because one or both of the couple were having relationships on the side, and I would hate see that happen to you.

Answer 10

Because cheaters are often selfish. They can have someone loyal and adoring of them while they get to screw other people too. In an open relationship, their s/o is also getting to have sex with others and the cheater isn't ok with that because they have to share their partner and are probably insecure in themselves and fear their partner may find someone better.