How do you know when your marriage is over? When is enough really enough?

Question

I have been with my wife for three years now and we have a one year old daughter but recently we have been fighting non stop. This usually doesn't bother me but I don't want to keep doing this anymore. I have told her that I want to stop and it goes away for a few days and then comes back full force. I work 12 hour shifts 4 to 6 days out of the week and am tired of dealing with crap from her after a already long day. Can any one help decide on what I should do from here?? Another thing to keep in mind when thinking about this she doesn't work hasn't worked since before we got married and has everything materialistically a women could want. Just a thought. Please help me consider my options or give some advice. Feel free to email me at address on profile. Thanks.

I do take into account my own faults and do accept the fact that I am not always around. I give her the option for personal time she refuses to take it. I try to shend time with her but it isn't when she wants it. She just wants one thing out of me the entire time I am off of work and that is just massage after massage. Thats it i give her attention in other ways too but it isn't the way she wants attention. I am not open to meeting new people some people might want to give anonymous advice or be available for further help thats why I suggested sending me an email. I have done that before and have been successful in my endevors and was hoping for the same thing. Not interested in meeting someone just want help.

Just for those that asked sex life seizes to exist as i know it. Sex only happens when she gets something new.. Anything besides a new purse or outfit doesn't score me any loving. I wish that was all that could fix it was more sex but that would probably just be a chip of the iceberg these days.

To clarify this I do not come home and not want to be by myself I quality time with my wife and child before I go to bed to get ready for my next workday. Nor do I feel that because she doesn't work that she does nothing for our marriage I know exactly what she does and I praise her for it on a regular basis.

Just one other pointer finances have nothing to do with our quarrels I make enough money to provide a lavish lifestyle for us.

Answer 1

The two of you should try marriage counseling. 3 Years is not a long time for your marriage to be so bad. Find a good counselor that can remain neutral or it will be no help to either of you.

Your child is only one year old and you say that you have been fighting all the time, recently........a new child can really throw off the family dynamic. Perhaps the two of you are still in an adjustment phase to having a new child in your home.

The two of you need to sit down together and discuss where you are currently in your relationship and where you would like to be........

Get a sitter for a few hours and communicate!

Answer 2

This is a very hard question to answer for someone else (because I have been there) but in all honesty only you know when enough is enough.

Marriage is not something to take lightly though. So if you choose to stay you have to committ to that. Just like if you choose to leave, committ to that too. Separation/divorce are never easy but it becomes even harder if you can't make up your mind and continue to go back and forth.

Before you make any decisions though, seek the guidance of a member of your clergy (if you're religious) or a LCSW that can offer some sort of counseling. Given the time that you have been married and the fact that you have a small child this very well could be just one of those phases of marriage (its not all sunshine) but once the honeymoon is over (@ 2 yrs) and kids come the dynamics of the marriage change and it is hard to adjust to (especially for a stay at home mom). Another thing you may want to consider is that if youtwo always bicker she may not realize that you have grown weary. She may actually see it as the way that the two of you communicate.

Dig a little deeper for the source of your current situation before making a potentially life altering decision.

Good Luck & God Bless!

Answer 3

Once a week or once every other week, get a sitter and spend some one on one time with your wife on a "date". You or she could plan what you want to do (maybe take turns).

Once a week, plan a "family" day to go do something together as a family. It doesn't have to cost a lot or anything at all, just spend the day doing something together as a family.

Fighting is going to occur in your marriage. You need to find out what it is that you're fighting about and if it's truly worth arguing about. Is it really that important to be right? At the expense of your marriage and the possibility of seeing your child on any kind of regular basis? Something to consider, as a divorce does not solve your problems, it simply separates the problems. She'll still fight you even after a divorce. Sharing a child ensures that'll happen. (Trust me, I know firsthand)

You may also want to consider a career change...either by asking for reduced hours or by changing jobs entirely. When you're not there, she has to deal with problems alone. When you come home, she's still thinking about those things and wants to share them with you....either to vent or in hopes that you'll solve the problem. (Remember, sometimes wives aren't looking for a solution, they just need vent time and then they can go on their merry way without another thought)

Check out some self-help guides for marriage and family strengthening and try some of the tips that they suggest!

Answer 4

why not just stop the fighting and do something special for her. For say when u comes back give her a smile and hug her and tell her how much u miss her etc. Which early in the morning just give her a gentle kiss on her forehead and when she is about to get out from the bed carry her out to the kitchen tired and shagged it is... but aint that what u would be willing to do in the very first time u2 were together...

remember she is the world to u ? treat her this way and sure she would treat u better... what do u treat her as? shutting her off imagine 1 day she were to turn mute FOREVER... cant tell u hw much she loves u etc wad would u do hw would u feel and i mean forever... treasure her now that u can........ u nv know what would happen tomolo... if today were the last day u 2 are together and u are to be dead tomolo how would u like to spent today....

How long had u did something different for her... praising her etc... hope it helps =)

Answer 5

Buddy, Sorry about your situation but sometimes when their is a new child in a marriage the husband or wife sometimes feels neglected. You have to try to make your marriage work for the sake of your child. I also work alot of 12 hour days so I know how you feel. Even if you have to swallow your pride try not to fight with your wife. If you end your marriage not only will you have to pay child support and since your wife is not working and is very materialistic you will lose half your check and you probably wont be able to see your child as often as you might like. Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 6

I don't know what kind of crap she's giving you... I just know, that even though my husband is the primary money-maker in the household, he still does a lot around the house. He makes dinner couple times a week, he doesn't fuss when I don't get to clean or cook being busy with our kids. We also set time to just be together as a couple, even it is 15 minutesof cuddling on the couch after the kids are gone to bed. I certainly hate fighting and try to avoid it by all means. Maybe your wife wants some attention as a woman or needs 15 minutes to take an uninterrupted bubble bath...

Answer 7

Don't give up yet, every marriage goes through rough times. Remember, though she does not work, she is with that child full time and that can be just as stressful as a regular job, if not more. Material objects don't equal happiness. Have you really talked to her about what is wrong and why you all are fighting? Maybe it has to do with you working such long hours. So much of the time it feels like she lives alone with the child that when you come home, she forgets what it is like to have to compromise. Maybe you two could talk to your religious leader or a counselor. Most counselors these days, charge based on what you make. (my hubby is one, his office does).
Don't give up yet, think of your child. Communicate to her what you have to us. Open the door to heal your marriage, don't shut it off for good just yet.

Answer 8

Just for the fact that you are reaching out seems to me that you do not want your marraige to really end.. You say you have a 1 year old.. I am the mother of 3 I stay home and I am constantly hearing that I do not work.. maybe your wife feels underappreciated because in her eyes you do not give her credit.. I know thats how I feel sometimes and it does cause hurt feelings. My husband works long long hours and weekends too and I know how it feels to be alone.. She may be lonley.. As much as I am sure she is totally happy raising your daughter just once in a while to get a break can make a big improvment in your happiness together.. you say she doesnt take the time for herself.. Maybe you can make her a facial appointment or take her to get her nails done.. just time alone.. All marriages have there ups and downs.. without the real specifics of what the fighting is about its hard to give advice.. just that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Every time me and my husband fight I think is this making us better or making us worse.. it shows my kids that we disagree but mom and dad stick it out no matter what.. I cant see anything that is so terrible that you would want to end it just because of some fighting.. is it an uresolved issue that keeps coming up.. something from the past.. you say its not financial wich is what most people fight about.. I think you love her and are just hitting a rough patch in the road.. Does your wife show you her love.. I praise my husband all the time for taking care of us and letting me be a mom and wife.. this is all I ever wanted to do and we struggle he doesnt make a lot of money.. I always thank him. he doesnt ever ever ever thank me for making dinner, doing laundry, bathing the kids, food shopping, paying the bills, running our household, taking the kids to all of there bday parties, sports, everything.. and than at night when the kids are asleep he wants his back tickeled and to be pampered.. because he works all day.. sometimes if you swapped places you just might see who is getting the bum end of the deal.. no days off, no paycheck.. no sick days.. no vacation.. the kids and house are always there.. your work goes away when you leave.. end of sentence.. I try to explain that to all the dads who think their wives dont work.. I would love to treally find out whats going on behind the scenes.. I am sure its she is holding out sex and you resent her.. thats what its really always about. Women need to be happy to want to be intimate.. if she doesnt feel loved, needed , appreciated or sexy its just not happening.. When was the last time you kissed.. really kissed.. not just hi I am home, good night kiss, quick pecks I am talking a big kiss that gets her in the mood.. I know it takes 2 to fight but you need to examine what you are bringing to the table too .. Good luck..

Answer 9

maybe your wife has eveything but you... mentally and physically. seems like you r not around and then when u are,,, you want to be left alone. taking care of a house and one yr old is work, by the way,. ALSO u wanting e-mail indicates you are also open to meeting someone else. how about taking a look at your own misgivings and faults.. take some responsibility in this marriage falling apart and the fighting. if u are tired than leave. stop complaining and blaming. sorry but you asked

Answer 10

The crap comes from two sides, not just one. Just cause she does not work, does not mean she must have nothing to say but yes or no or whatever, that she has no stress, would you rather she cry one someone else's shoulder, find comfort elsewhere?
If she tries to communicate with you what happens? Fight. If you just want to work and come home and not speak or communicate or do the things that one does in relationships, if you don't want to put anything in, you'll get nothing out, it's really simple.
You're stuck in a habit here - running solves nothing. Find a therapist, get it sorted out - if it matters to you, that is.
Sorry to sound harsh, I'm just being very straightforward since I was caught in that same cycle, and he forgot it takes two to fight, two to make things work.