Wife is mad cuz I have porn on my computer...?

Question

About 9 years ago (my wife was a girlfriend at the time), she found porn on my computer. She got pretty mad and I ended up telling her that I would stop lookin at porn. I was pretty good at it for a long time. However, since getting married, and having 2 kids and other circumstances, our sex life is almost nil. I recently started looking at porn on the computer and she found out. She's very upset. She tends to overreact to things sometimes can blow things out of proportion and says that I'm "addicted" because I promised to stop 9 years ago and I broke the promise recently. Would you say I'm addicted? I do not look at porn day and night. Maybe 2-3 times/month.

Also, she says it is a step below cheating on her. Do you agree with her? To me, I don't know why this is such a big deal. Many guys I know (married and single) have watched porn one time or another. Give me your opinions.

to add detail...our sex life is probably going to get better in the next few months. she had a c section so her body is not fully recovered yet from the surgery, which is why we haven't done it in a while. Before that, the pregnancy was the reason why we didn't do it.

Answer 1

Well ask your self this who do you love do you love your wife or do you love those pics that you look at on the computer ? because if your looking at those pics and saying oh yes I like that you are really saying oh I love how she looks and your falling in love with a pic on the computer and yet also loving your wife now you can not fairly love both because like when you tell your wife I love you but I also do love those pics on the computer and so with all this in mind I am almost sure my he says he loves me but yet if loves me why does he need took look at those pics and show his love to them a love that he should only give to a wife and she also maybe thinking what am I not good enough for him anymore since he has to look at pics of other nude women maybe she doesn't tell you or let you see it but it probably makes her cry to see that you have to look at those and make her feel like less not because she is insecure but just because you are looking at them you just looking at them can make her feel like she is less then she really is and so why do you want to make her feel like she is less of a person then she really is because every time you do that you make her feel like she is less of a person then she really is and you saying your not addicted well OK now if someone oh like say someone like did a drug or so oh like once a week or even only once a month would they be addicted because they could say well I ONLY NEED THIS fix only once a month I only have to have it once a month nothing more I don't know about you but I could ask almost anyone and they would say once you say I Have to have this no matter how little or how few of times it is they are still addicted to that and another view lets say one of your kids says oh can I have a beer just like you dad do you say oh yes you may because only one won't make you addicted to this now no who would tell there kid that any parent that really cares about there kid would say no you can not this is only for parents sorry but once your old enough then you can have one but that is years from now And as far as saying well my buddy looks at them and his wife lets him well are you married to his wife I hope not ..lol because if your not married to her then why does it matter what she lets your buddy do and not do because your not married to her or love her you love your wife not your buddies wife and it doesn't matter if single guys look at them ether because there not you are they now ?

Answer 2

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Answer 3

I think that it's not a step below cheating, but if I found my husband in the circumstances that you describe, I would be upset.

And let me soapbox a little: If your sex life is nil, what are you doing to jazz it up? Looking at porn secretly, even only a few times a month, isn't going to make it any better!

After kids, things...shift. Perhaps she doesn't feel as attractive and discovering your stash has only added to that feeling. And if she stays at home, I am sure that she is just as tired as you are after a day at work.

You need to talk with her, honestly, and let her know you miss her, that you need her physically. I can see why she would think that you are cheating if you all are not having sex and she sees you returning to what she thinks of as your addiction.

Talk. And then talk some more. And then go get naked together. Sex is not the end-all, be-all for marriage, but it is necessary for that special connection between two people. And it takes two people to make the sex life work. Arrange a date night, find a sitter for the kids, and romance her. You might find that the the sex life comes back with a vengeance!

Good luck.

Answer 4

Have you ever thought of watching porn with your wife? Or maybe she isn't open to that sort of thing I don't know. But from my own personal experience it can be pretty erotic and fun. I do NOT agree that this is a form of cheating. I really think your wife feels like you're looking at the other women and wishing she was of that caliber. She sounds very insecure. Nothing is wrong with porn, however I would get upset if I caught my boyfriend watching it without me : ) My ex husband used to watch porn all the time. And I found a stash he had hidden from me. I don't know why he hid it when I was open to it, but HE had a problem. He was watching it any chance he got. So I don't think you have a problem if you're not watching it every winking moment. Have a talk with your wife and ask her point blank "why don't you like me watching it?". Let her know as well that since your sex life is next to zip, this is another form of entertainment, and she should be glad you're not frequenting strip clubs or paying a hooker. Maybe she'll step her game up. And kids,,,,hell no! That's not an excuse. It just sounds like your wife has no libido.

Good luck to you partner!

Answer 5

Try to think about this for a second, you have been with a guy for 9 years. Had his kids. Things are just naturally not as firm and as tight. He no longer grabs you in mad passion and reaches for your hand when you walk. Showers together and Sunday mornings in bed are replaced with Barney videos and making eggs for the munchins.
Then your husband is looking at women who are trim, very firm and have breasts that don't jiggle. Their nails are done, their hair is curled and they aren't changing diapers.
How can she compete?
First of all, you need to show her a little of what you watched.
Make her feel desirable and not like she is lacking.
Second, you did make a promise, so acknowledge it and explain that looking just adds some non threatening spice to your day.
Finally you have to think about what is more important. If she is really hurt and angry, can you stop? Can you find something else to add some fizz?
I don't think you are cheating and I don't see you as addicted. I think men like to look at pretty women and porn turns men on. But the important thing is what does your wife think? How can you make her feel secure and loved and desired?
I am sure if you get rid of the nil part of your sex life, she will feel so much better and so will you!

Answer 6

No, I don't think you are addicted. If you were, you wouldn't have been able to stop cold turkey 9 yrs ago. I understand the temptation. Even if you don't want to look at porn, it seems porn comes to you, seeks you out through email spam and pop up ads. Yes, alot of men do look at porn but if your wife feels this strongly about it, I would stop doing it. It would show her your respect and care for her feelings. But you DO need to discuss your feelings and how not being intimate with her is affecting you. She needs to know there is a problem and that you can't live the rest of your life in a sexless marriage. Hopefully she will be spurred on to do something.

Answer 7

Porn is a sin. It is also cheating on your wife. It is emotional infidelity. You are not to look at other women naked when you are a married man. Let your own wife intoxicate you. Porn can also become an addiction and just because other people look at it, doesn't make it any less wrong. Respect your wife and stop viewing this evil. It will only bring trouble to you. As you know already it has caused problems in your marriage and it can also lead to the end of your marriage.

Answer 8

What I get from your description is that your wife feels you don't respect her because you insist on doing something she feels is wrong, and you want to argue with her, which won't change her feelings anyway. She apparently has very strong feelings about it, so why do you need to do this? Perhaps your nookie-meter would register more activity if you thought about things you could do together. Just because you are married and have 2 kids doesn't mean you've both stopped needing some intimacy. How about a weekend out of town sometime, or how about one dedicated night every week when you two have a "date". Maybe if you could re-connect emotionally you'd be able to re-connect in other ways (wink! wink!)

Answer 9

I think your wife has insecurities about herself. Often times, women compare themselves to the women in the adult films, and feel like they're ''not enough'' if you watch them.
If your sex life is almost nil, have you tried re-lighting that flame, instead of downloading porn? Have you talked to her about it? So on and so forth. She needs to know that you feel like your needs are going unattended.

I'd be a bit concerned if you are looking at this stuff, on a computer that your children may use. You are not ''addicted'', but you are a bit inconsiderate for breaking a simple promise to your wife, and trying to keep it a secret from her.

I do not believe it's ''a step below cheating'', unless you'd rather watch it than make love to your wife, BUT she feels it is, and that's really what matters.

Delete the porn. I know it's not a big deal to you, but it obviously is to your wife, and you should respect that. Don't let something so insignificant cause disagreement within your marriage. It's not worth it!

Answer 10

OK so why are you allowing her to blame you, you are doing what all men do, its normal to look at porn for men and some women, You are not a addict to porn, and you are not cheating on her either, its not like you are going out looking for women or sex , are you ?? Rather talk to her and explain to her why you are watching it, as you said you aren't getting any from her and that's properly why you are watching it right, Tell her that you love her but you need to get some affection from her as well otherwise you will just keep on watching it, Good luck with the wife

from another wife